Something I Need To Say

[Diamond81]

Within the last two years, I've perpetrated three acts of physical violence on people I love. the scenario in each incident is very similar. An emotion-charged argument, disagreement, lots of screaming (at me) lots of anger in the air and then I lose it. I say "lose it" not in an attempt to avoid responsibility, but it is the only concrete term I can manage right now. I don't hold anyone else at fault but myself.

The last time I recall vividly stating over and over that I did NOT want to engage in this (fight,argument, whatever) and I thought I was being rather calm. After a barrage of particularly foul and loud, and abusive and insulting, stinging ,hurled invectives, I took about 4 brisk steps and lashed out with a closed fist. All three times it has been just one punch. This last time, I did serious damage. I won't go into details, but suffice it to say, I've seen a lot of people get hit and have been hit many, many times, but I have never seen results like this.

I am still so stunned, it doesn't seem real. After I struck, I sat down on the sofa and my muscles ached so badly and I was so stiff I felt almost paralyzed. It happened so suddenly, I truly cannot recall all of it. I "feel" horrible, and yet I really have to admit, I don't have an emotional attachment to what happened. I still cannot believe it. I remember I started to just clamp my hand over the other person's mouth, anything to stop those words-and I got hit in the face and then I let loose.

The best I can come up with on my own is that the other person ceases to be a person to me, and they represent some sort of threat that maybe my brain sees as deadly? I don't want to hurt anyone. I feel sort of like a monster, and this whole thing has set me off now for the past week or so. I am afraid now, to say anything, to engage in anything controversial. I missed an entire week of work. for a day or two afterward, I had very strange thoughts. Thoughts of literal self destruction. I spent hours literally replaying the scene in my head, over and over trying to figure out what really happened.

But I am already feeling a cold distance toward what I did and oh yes, I have sworn to NEVER do it again, and a part of me believes this. How can I say this is not the way I am, when I did this? I dont ever want there to be a fourth time.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Are you in therapy diamond?

 

[Diamond81]

Are you in therapy diamond?

Not yet. Dont know what type therapy would help

 

[intothelight]

Diamond,

Sounds like a very emotionally charged situation. Quite frankly, you referred to the people as ones you "love" and there seems to be a lot of conflict "screaming ...anger", and it made me wonder as why these interactions were taking place?

It is extremely important with PTSD to keep stress levels down. Tension can develop in any relationship, but emotionally charged interaction can make PTSD symptoms go over the top.

I would suggest that you set some boundaries on what behavior all parties should be responsible for. Additionally, make a plan for yourself to allow yourself to exit emotionally charged situations. Only you can be responsible for your actions, so develop a plan and make sure you stick to it.

Therapy can help you develop the skills necessarily to establish boundaries and to regulate emotions. CBT, DBT, EDMR and some anger management would be good areas to check out.

Wishing you the best.

Debbie

 

[Meadowsweet]

Not yet. Dont know what type therapy would help

Given that you feel unable to stop yourself in these situations, I think its important that you seek help as soon as possible. Because at the moment this condition is endangering others, and putting you at risk of losing friends, job or even landing you in court.

Intothelight has suggested some good therapies, but if you've not had a particular diagnosis, I think that's something you should seek as soon as possible.

 

[Diamond81]

Given that you feel unable to stop yourself in these situations

I never see them coming is the problem. These are family members, and yes, there has been a great deal of conflit; an addicted teenage son with more than enough issues of his own, for starters. Once when he was stoned out of his mind, he unleashed a barrage of what may well be the worst tongue lashing I've ever had. This was not the first time but it was the worst, accompanied with threats etc. I mean, he is bigger than me physically, just saying , he was 18 at the tme.

In other words, strangers could never impact me in the same way as family members. It is the emotinal charge, the feeling of betrayal, I have actually "felt" the proverbial blood draining from my face. So.

I do have a DX of Bi Polar as well as PTSD. I have had nuemrous DX's, so many, I cannot possibly know which of them are legitmate. I do not take meds. My SO also has severe PTSD and drinks. I do not drink or use drugs and have been in recovery many yeras. I DO try to avoid conflict with my SO, but at times, too much alcohol fules-something- and the harder I try to descalate, the more anger gets directed at me. hitting my SO was a first after 7 years. We both have now come to grips that there is a problem, but I am the only one who has taken it to a physical level.

I have told SO that no matter what, no one desrves to get hit like that, which is true. SO has madde "escape" arrangements and has put a stah of cash away. I am cool with all this, I am not a stalker but I want SO absolutley to feel safe and empowered.I get to go in my room and lock the door and that is abolutely going to be respected. No yelling through the door, etc,etc,etc.

My son and I have seen a counselor a few times and he is now on his 14th day clean and sober. We have the potnetial for a very good relationship. He currently resides with me. SO and son get along most of the time, but even HE has to check out to avoid conflict with either of us. he has his own stuff as well. So now we have three adults with a starined family dynamic, some in recovery some not and there has to be very clear boundaries

I may be oversimplifying. I hope this is a good plan. Also I hope that my part WAS PTSD, because there is no excuse for what I did. I do want to understand it however. Thanks for the comments, I really need them....

 

[intothelight]

Diamond,

That sheds a lot of light. Just an afterthought...

Even though your SO has an escape plan, when someone is drinking their ability to think clearly is definitely impaired. You need to get your own plan in place so when things get out of control, you can leave before you loose control.

Just my .02.

 

[Diamond81]

I just feel like adding some background for my own validation and not to make excuses. I was raised that the measure of a man was in his ability to swiftly mete out justice with his fists. I was punished for crying as a kid and lived with such laws as "If you start a fight, you will be whipped. but if you RUN from a fight, you will be whipped worse." Violence was the answer to almost every issue. I was taking full on punches to the face at aged 15 as a from of discipline.

I have spent a lifetime in pysch wards, jails, court rooms. I have been fired from every job I ever had because inevitably my boss morphs into my father. I loathe anyone who is abusive, yet I have been abusive and thus loathe myself. I have had years and years of therapy, 12 step programs, medications (I have so many diagnoses I lost count and I have literally been on almost every psychotropic med there is)

So is it a fair question to ask what does it take?

 

[Philippa]

I know this was a while back, but I just wanted to say that it was brave of you to admit to this and share it with us. It shows that you want to be held accountable for your actions, and know it wasn't good what you did.

You're not a monster, you just gave into provocation. We all do at times.

I hope you can forgive yourself.