Something Is Rotten In Denmark

[Kintsugi]

Well, I was sort of incoherent last week.

In short, I had a full-blown PTSD meltdown that night (the night before I posted here). Really, I needed it. Since B's stepfather hanged himself January 2014 I have been incapable of crying for more than a few minutes at a time, no matter how much I want to or how much I need it. That night... I had just a complete blowout. Tears, hyperventilation, shaking, disoriented in time and space, fetal position shit... it was just all out.

That night was the last damn straw. From showing up at B's empty house trying to get my passport from him (as he'd requested) to going and seeing my friends and Polyglot (significant other), being shaking mad, Polyglot and friend's husband going to get the passport, B calling me with threats of shooting anyone who showed up and wasn't me, my friend having to talk him down, me drunkenly explaining that yes, there was another man, who he saw on my porch that day... oh, Jesus, it was such a f*cking mess. Then to have Polyglot lash out at me later... I was just so... done. I just f*cking lost my shit.

Next morning, first thing, B calls to apologize for his behavior, we talk for too long, Polyglot gets upset again... I didn't have anything left when I posted the above. I was numbed out. Eyes swollen halfway shut from crying the night before. I was empty of everything. I had nothing left for anyone. Numbness came over me like the sweet relief of a dissociative painkiller, falling like a chiffon blanket over my emotions.

Things improved in general, but my whole Self feels... wracked right now. Polyglot left yesterday. I stayed up all night to take him across state lines to catch a flight and get back here in time to be in a class all day. I drank last night. Taking another break from that. Alcohol wants to choke whatever energy I have left from me.

I have too many varied emotions leaking out of too many locked closets. It feels like I'm trapped in the basement floor of a home that is slowly flooding. I'm looking around, collecting tubing and straws in case the whole room begins to go under, but there are simply not enough materials to entirely escape facing the many viscous liquids that are my feelings these days.

I can't see my T until September first. The last time I saw her was something like early July.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

 

[Anarchy]

Hugs Simon.

It's shit that you got landed in the position of melting down, but, as you say, you have broken through the numbness. Finding a middle path between the self invalidating numbness and the uninhibited grieving is closer now.

The guys in your life each have some large items of baggage to reclaim.


Here's hoping that some inner peace and clarity will emerge.
@

 

[Kintsugi]

I've been falling in and out of wanting to die.

I have a medical problem, and no one really knows what the matter is, but it has entailed my being examined in my traumatized region twice in three weeks. The ER was very traumatic for me. The next would have probably been okay if I hadn't just been through the ER two weeks prior. Now I have to see yet another doctor in the next few weeks and do it again. And, hey, here's to hoping my problem does not entail surgery, cancer, or fertility problems.

The man whose car collided with mine when Polyglot hydroplaned is now claiming he has a fractured rib and tibia (bullshit, bullshit, bullshit). So... I guess Polyglot's lawyer and my insurance is dealing with that, which is good, because I absolutely cannot.

Before I flew to California, I went to my cousins' house to meet their newborn and see my 20-month-old "niece." My cousin and I took a walk together. I swear, I cannot visit my cousin or my sister without learning some new, odd piece of information about my family, some new context through which to frame everything. Apparently it is a well-known fact in my family that adopting me saved my parents' marriage, because I was such a good child? So strange. It makes more sense now that my parents were so much exponentially harder on me than on my siblings. It makes sense that they put such extreme pressure on me to excel further and further, sense that they praised me so thoroughly for being quiet and without needs.

Yesterday B (my ex) called to tell me our friend--his best friend--shot himself over the weekend right after he got off the phone with B.

I want to die about half the time I'm awake. It was worse directly after I got home. I've been drinking regularly, something I need to put a stop to (yes, again). I've been having nightmares. I know the night before last it was bad. I was screaming in my sleep, which I haven't done in a long time.

I feel worthless all the time. I despise myself. I've been talking to myself (involuntarily) incessantly. It's hard to tell if it's gotten worse or not. She is definitely at play, because I'm sayiing a lot of "I f*cking hate you" and "Don't make me hurt you" instead of the pithy begging that normally dribbles from my mouth.

On the drive home from my cousins', the day after I (finally) flew in from California, I was earnestly having trouble staying present and resisting the urge to crash my car, which has not happened in... years? Normally I would not drive under severe dissociative and potentially impulsively suicidal conditions, but I had to get home to collect my dogs. I missed them terribly.

I want to move to California, but I worry that I'm simply too broken to relocate, especially to relocate and live with someone. When I am out of his presence, I question constantly whether or not Polyglot really cares about me, which is really more my issue than "our" issue. I know he loves me, but I also know that that will not save me from myself.

I see my T at the week's end. I don't even know what to say to her. The last time I saw her, I had just left B and moved out on my own. I still had not seen Polyglot in six years. I hadn't even bought my new car or gotten my new mattress.

I am so f*cking overwhelmed. I feel like I'm drowning in some sort of gelatin.

 

[Friday]

Everything is temporary. :) Hang in there. You've got this, Simon.

What can you do to bleed off some of this stress? What works for you?

 

[The Albatross]

Sometimes it's helpful for me to try to sift through and sort out what "just is" (that I have little to no control over), with what I can direct effort or energy to (DO something about).

 

[Ronin]

@Simply Simon, is flying out of state for the time's sake an option? As in, prolonging the stay at Cali? And/or is there anywhere else where you are and currently have to be, that could evoke the same mindset as you have wherever you feel safe?

 

[Kintsugi]

You know, Friday, the one thing I've been avoiding like the plague but may actually be called for? Good ol' voluntary self-isolation may be in order. I've been keeping myself socially stimulated so as not to go into extreme isolation, but honestly? Maybe that's what I need. Just some time to myself. By myself. Alone. Intentionally.

 

[Kintsugi]

FML. I think isolating was a bad idea. I feel worse and worse, unhinged, and now it's like... I don't want to reach out to anyone. I don't want to engage with anyone. I just want to be left alone. Even going to work is killing me, and usually my work self is so highly compartmentalized that it is unaffected by the Simon who comes home.

I'm off this weekend, although I do need to go into work to do some extremely important shit. Then I work night shift starting tomorrow at 11pm. All that time... today, tomorrow, and essentially tomorrow night (night shift is like isolation central), I can elect to be alone with myself. I don't even want to talk to my best friend. She called me twice while I was working last night (I had a really shit night, too, one of the clients is basically dying of starvation for f*cked up reasons and it feels like it's my fault), and I didn't even try calling her back. She hasn't heard from me since... Tuesday, which is extremely unusual. I don't know if she's pissed off or worried about me, but I hope she isn't angry. She's always there for me, and I'm completely useless right now.

I roll around, trying to fall asleep, hissing, "I f*cking hate you" involuntarily, like someone with Tourette's or something. Like a tic. Talking to myself. I've had nightmares three or four nights in a row (everything is blending together this week). I wake up wishing I were dead. I don't want to eat because only worthy people should eat, but then I do, and then I just despise how needy and greedy I am.

I almost started crying at work last night. I mean, I almost f*cking lost my shit. Everything sucked so much. My client starving, another one wouldn't get the f*ck off of me, I was being ordered around by a specialist I usually get along with, but I felt like a little girl again, being ordered around by f*cking everyone in my family like Cinder-Simon. My blood sugar was plummeting, but food is for those who deserve it. I got to the point where the words, "I feel like I'm going to cry" just fell out of my mouth. I had so much anger, so much sadness, so much frustration, and I was struggling to swallow it all down as I attempted to be an efficient worker.

The specialist and nurse stared at me, asked what was wrong, which made it sooo much worse. I felt all the seams snapping inside me. I said my blood sugar was low and avoided eye contact. My co-worker said something playful about the food I was about to eat, and I just... holy shit, I almost lost it on her. I felt Her start to answer, and I pushed away her voice, tried to express in a level tone that I could not handle teasing. She said she wasn't teasing me, and then dissociation sort of took the wheel as my emotions reached critical mass, covering me like beautiful, numb snow.

The goddamn specialist basically told my co-worker and I to leave the house, which was a good thing, because I thought I was about to punch every goddamn body in the face.

I'm about out of money, panicking about that (I do NOT like being out of money, not even for 24 hours, makes me feel trapped and scared). I hate myself. I keep getting headaches for no apparent reason. I keep telling myself that next week will be better, that I will improve, that I'm okay, that this is a phase. I see my T this Tuesday... which, now that I think about it, maybe I'm supposed to work that night? Oh god, if I have to reschedule for later I think I will f*cking die. I don't even want to go see her, but she has this whole section in her policies about NOT dropping off the face of the Earth without warning. I guess it's happened to her enough before when people are falling to Rock Bottom.

I want to hit rock bottom. Maybe if I smash down to rock bottom someone will notice I feel like I'm dying. Maybe if I can just stop eating long enough to pass out in public someone will realize how completely sick I've been feeling. I just wish I could curl up in bed for awhile, have someone around who will help me take care of myself. I guess this is the price I pay for choosing to live alone. And I f*cking should live alone. Jesus f*cking Christ, B was right. I'm incompetent, incapable, I need someone to supervise me. I obviously cannot function alone.

I'm sorry my posts here are so long... maybe this should all go in my diary. I'm not a suicide risk, but I just want to die. I certainly feel suicidal. I want to disappear. I want to sit at the bottom of a pool and watch the sunlight until I pass out from the lack of oxygen. It gets so euphoric just before my survival kicks in and I surface... and no, I won't do this. I'm just remembering all the times before that I have felt this way.

 

[Ronin]

@Simply Simon, baby steps. Again, you had a time off, it didn't work as expected, so maybe finding a different standard is in order, but that takes time, so take things sloow, find out what does help you socialize & feel good about it, what doesn't aren't failures. These are just bits that don't work, they don't determine how successful your re-socializing is, and definitely don't make you a failure.

You ARE worthy people. You're in that category, and you're not useless. You do deserve to eat - and heck, that is what food exists for; it's not a measure for deserving. It's there to support people. You don't have to have a purpose to eat; the food has one, to be eaten. You're doing things right and just by the order they're meant to be by eating.

Can you try figuring things that you can do for free, and where and how to get help even if you're out of money?

You don't have to smash the rock bottom. We're here, we hear you clear, and you're doing the shout outs to helpers juust right. Don't have to do more; though what might help if you knew what helps you feel heard? It might make a difference in how you feel about reactions of people.

You can and do function well alone - that people need supervision, does not mean they're incapable. Hell, I need supervision, on a lot of decisions, or at least a timely check up I'm not completely off the rails, and I've went most of my life with relying mostly on me, with all the f*cked up shit my brain could come up with. It's natural to need guidance. It's bright to need guidance. It doesn't prove uselessness; it is usefulness, because you're strong enough to figure your needs, go for those needs, and also find out who can help you meet those needs.

Long is alright. ANY length is alright. Your voicing yourselfness, is alright. Wanted and appreciated, as well.

 

[Kintsugi]

@Cashew I'm too messed up right now for a real response but thank you thank you for hearing me.

 

[Ronin]

@Simply Simon, that's alright, take your time, and hey, your response now was real enough ;)

 

[reallydown]

@Simply Simon All I can say is, hang in there. Sorry I am not much help but I've been at that point...and seem to be sliding back into it too...and it's not fun. I hope you meet with your T and that she's able to help