Something New Happening

[Gaining-clarity]

I have had the most wonderful month or two. I have had hardly any ptsd symptoms and I've noticed lasting changes, such as comfort being around certain people. I was able to take a day trip with a friend that I would normally have advoided. That would normally be way to much relating for me. If I'm in that sort of situation (a lot of relating) I normally panic, feel extremely uncomfortable, spend my time thinking of ways to get out and to hide, to find relief from the stress of it. But I actually enjoyed the day with my friend. Didn't think of escaping even once.

Yesterday I noticed the panic starting again. I don't remember over what. I was alone. But I started having a conversation with a girl inside me who has these feelings. She makes me feel very dizzy. I talked with her about her feelings, and I was okay with her. I'm not normally so comfortable with her, or even so aware of her. There was a definite difference between me and her, meaning she is her and I am me. But as we were talking, I noticed that she had a lot going on in her mind. I thought she was just panicky, but she had alot of stuff in her mind. By stuff I mean more than just being panicked, but terror and horror. She came very close to me and told me that she wants to share her mind with me, and she almost disappeared into me, just to show me how close. Her mind and my mind merged, but not for real, just showing me what she wants to happen. She's had enough. She's exhausted, and wants to share what she has in her mind. She wants to give it to me.

This frightens me. I get really dizzy. Right now I'm really dizzy while writing about this. And I get heart palpitations. And I have bouts of losing focus. But I know I'm okay. I'm trusting that this is okay.

I know that she's not really someone different than me. I know this is just me, and that this might mean I'm tired of holding all those things in. I might be ready to know more about myself and to heal. To be free from the exhaustion of the emotions of the trauma. Of that intensity that has always been there, and keeps interfering with health.

I'm taking it really easy today. I've crossed almost everything off of my to-do list. I'm going to take a nice walk and breathe in the crisp winter air.

I guess I'm just looking to share this. It helps me to write it out for clarity.

I'm also wondering if other people relate to this. I'm also looking for encouragement.

Thank you.

 

[aut555]

Think some of your mental fog has lifted, and now it's time for the healing process. So let her in, take time with these new feelings. You sound more grounded and centered. We can't see the answers when we are overwhelmed with all the tension, mind numbing and avoidance and hostage holding thought process. When we start to feel comfortable in our own skin, then we are ready to process.

Many people never get to that spot because it's very raw. You feel everything, so thoughts can hit a little closer home. This is very postive and l am really proud of you that you do feel better. This is a major change in your life. Sending compassion.

 

[Gaining-clarity]

Thank you @aut555. This really helps to keep things bright.