Somethings out of control

[FauxLiz]

I am not really sure what is going on but the last couple of weeks I have been dealing with overwhelming surges of emotion that are hitting me out of no where. Every time I see a sad or depressing scene on TV I start crying. Add to that I have been having several days where my anxiety has been just out of control. Multiple panic attacks a day causing major focus issues at work. The thing is I can't pin point why this is happening. I haven't had any changes in medications, no changes in diet, no significant changes in any way in my day to day life so what on earth is happening.

I started to cut this weekend but was able to keep it down to just one cut, but I have been restricting food and fighting the urge to engage in other maladaptive behaviors. I need to vent but I was embarrassed to say anything really meaningful in therapy yesterday because I don't feel that I have reached that point where I really trust him. So I am here venting here because I don't want to go down a road where my emotions get the better of me and I don't know how to fix what I don't know I broke.

 

[Abstract]

I think it can mean quite a lot if different things, Could this be you heading into a breakdown? From experience I have found it really important to take it very seriously if thats possible. Also, avoiding doing maladaptive behaviours can mean that the emotions we are suppressing come bubbling up. What do you mean exactly when you say restricting food.

 

[blackemerald1]

I'm so sorry @FauxLiz

If you cannot identify something that is definitely the catalyst from feeling well to the state you now find yourself in, the only thing I can suggest is that ptsd and symptoms are quite cyclic for me and maybe this is also happening for you?

I agree with @Abstract - treat this very seriously because it's been a while since your urge to cut has actually resulted in you doing so hasn't it?

So I am here venting here because I don't want to go down a road where my emotions get the better of me and I don't know how to fix what I don't know I broke

You may not have broken anything so vent away.

 

[Lionheart]

Every time I see a sad or depressing scene on TV I start crying.

To my mind, that suggests that you have a lot of sadness lying just below the surface. It may be that you are not yet feeling safe enough with your therapist to allow these feelings to surface during a session and it is undermining your trauma processing work. This of course is just my opinion and I may well be mistaken. Still, I think it is important that you are able to feel safe with your "T", (therapist).

The urge to cut leaves me with the impression that strong emotions are bubbling up, just as @Abstract suggested. It is easy to get overwhelmed, especially when one is early along their healing journey or haven't been with their therapist very long. I may be off the mark here and if so I am sorry, but I really want to help you as it sounds as if you are going through a very turbulent time.

I hope that you are able to establish a safety net with your therapist so that you can allow these emotions to surface in a safe and supportive environment.

 

[FauxLiz]

What do you mean exactly when you say restricting food.

@Abstract what I mean when I say restricting food is either skipping eating all together for 24 or more hours or slightly better limiting intake to less than 1000 calories a day. Not healthy but most of the time it isn't a conscious decision. When I get like this I just don't get hungry and unless someone puts food in front of me I don't think about it.

it's been a while since your urge to cut has actually resulted in you doing so hasn't it?

@blackemerald1 I hadn't cut since Oct so yeah I know I need to take this seriously. The thing is I am just coming out of what is normally the worst time of the year for me as I have multiple anniversaries that bump into each other and regular family dysfunction associated with the holidays so from the end of Oct through January is definitely an annual struggle against the downward spiral.

allow these feelings to surface during a session

@Lionheart777 I can't say I have really ever let emotions surface during sessions. In four years with my previous therapist whom I trusted and felt safe with I only let down my guard enough a handful of times to do more than express self-hate, frustration or anger. I cut off feeling emotions so long ago that when times like this approach I tend to isolate until I can better control them and generally resort to negative coping behaviors.

@Abstract the whole breakdown thing is what I am most worried about. Since my move this summer I have gone from a therapist I trusted and felt safe with that I met with twice a week to struggling to find a therapist that doesn't make me hate myself more than I already did and can only see me once every other week. If I fall apart like I did the end of 2017 and end up inpatient I will lose my job, have no income, no savings and no life line or support so I have to figure out how to keep things together.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

@FauxLiz I’m sorry to hear that the last several months have been a battle for you. I do very much understand.

I don’t know if this will help and I don’t want to compare my situation with yours but there are some common things we both seem to struggle with. So, maybe we can help each other?

Emotions - like you I’ve had waves of things the last while. Also, I suppressed emotions for a long time, like you. Could it be that the emotions are not easy to identify and that causes inner turmoil?

That’s what seems to be happening with me. I’ve been told to allow emotions, “sit with them”, this is entirely contrary to what I used to do. I don’t know what the emotion is and it causes confusion. Feels like I’m losing my mind. So I isolate to protect myself and others.....

Cutting - it’s one of the maladaptive coping things I do as well and haven’t in a while but also resorted to it this weekend. I can say well done to both of us for wanting not to resort to it and for having the strength to pull back from the damage we would have done previously.

It’s hard to do, but less lonely when we share. Thanks for sharing your struggles

 

[FauxLiz]

So not really been a good day. Started okay got up after arguing with myself for 10 minutes not to call in sick to work. Showered, got dressed even took the 10 min necessary to make myself a healthy smoothie to at least start the day but it was down hill from there. I got very stressed out at work this morning as my performance evaluation forms started rolling in for me to collate (yes I get to see the raw data first hand) and a couple of responses really threw me. I haven't slept good in 4 days surviving on less then 4 hours of sleep a night and by lunch the waves of panic attacks started again. My brain and body are telling me to go home isolate and self medicate but my to do list and work obligations are telling me that I need to focus, stay late and knuckle down to get things done.

 

[FauxLiz]

well @Warrior Chicken it looks like we cross posted. Emotions are not easy for me to say that they cause inner turmoil would be and understatement. As for sitting with my feelings, I am not good at that, and right now it is absolutely the last thing I want to try to do because I am barely holding myself together.

I appreciate the support and I am sorry you deal with similar challenges this crap sucks and I hate it.

 

[Justmehere]

I'm going through a spike in symptoms myself with less than ideal treatment options that are totally unsettled.

I don't have much in the way of any thoughts that would help, but wanted to tell you that you are not alone in the battle.

what I mean when I say restricting food is either skipping eating all together for 24 or more hours or slightly better limiting intake to less than 1000 calories a day.

I used to get caught in a forgetting-to-eat cycle from time to time. Still happens now and then. Restricting food intake can actually lead to hormones being released that wind up the sympathetic nervous systems, and can lead to an even greater spike in fight or flight symptoms. I'd suggest packing a few protein shakes and setting an alarm to drink them a few times a day as one of many tools to try to combat symptoms.

I hope things ease up soon. :hug:

 

[FauxLiz]

well today was a freaking disaster. I spent my morning drafting letters and creating forms to be used for CYA to document a practice that has been standard in our organization but that no one ever bothered to formalize in writing as a policy yet has left the organization open to major possible liability and since our attorney was too busy with other clients to be bothered I had to create all the written documentation and forms to be used and then sent to attorney for their blessing. Its not my freaking job I didn't go to law school but have the time I feel as though I write all the documents and all they do is read them, and charge us $250 an hour for a rubber stamp of approval.

So by the afternoon when I started with waves of panic attacks again I knew I couldn't deal with it because I had a meeting that I needed to lead late afternoon so I excused myself and ran home quick to take my Xanax dose early to try and get myself under control for the meeting only on the way back to the office I slipped on ice getting into my car and twisted my knee. Painful but I will live but I go into the meeting and I am trying but after 45 minutes of this freaking idiot pushing my buttons because I am telling him the group doesn't get to review language for a specific policy that he wants to review because our corporate board already made a decision publicly to go another direction and I am not going to give them the opportunity to try and recommend something to the board that is contrary to the decision already made. Anyway I got short with him and was just so frustrated and by the time the meeting ended I just wanted to go home. But I couldn't because I had explain to the other board members why I was so short (blamed my knee) and then send the jerk board member an apology email. I got home tonight and all I want to do is cut, eat (probably because I haven't been), numb my brain and body however possible (alcohol and meds) and fight the urge to take it another step.

I am sorry this is so long and I probably will just go crawl in to bed because it is the only semi safe thing to do right now but I want to do so much more and I feel as though the world is closing in and I just need a timeout, a long, quiet timeout from the world, from life and from so much.

 

[FauxLiz]

So, went to bed early last night didn't help, tossed and turned for hours stressing that things are falling behind at work and I have no focus or ability to catch up. I am struggling today to get through the day and accomplish what HAS to get done but my mind just seems to be going in circles. Worse it is cycling back to really strong urges to self harm or worse. I thought about going to the ER last night but I can't let that happen, I can't fall apart like that again or I will lose everything.

 

[Justmehere]

I can't fall apart like that again or I will lose everything.

This won’t change by focusing on it and you’ll likely continue to spin out worse. (I do the same.)

Redirect your thoughts to what you need to focus on: the very next thing. Just that thing. If you can, try to drag some mindfulness into it. I had a recent stressful busy time at work. I had 20 hour days. I was falling apart... until I did all I could to stop thinking about everything, and focused on just the next thing.

I scheduled a time to think of ALL the things, and when ALL the things kept popping into my brain, I reminded myself I had a time to deal with it... later.