Relationship Sometimes Enough Just Has To Be Enough. Still Struggling With Boundaries And Enabling.

[NaeNae75]

I'm completely exhausted. I'm wondering if we moved right past him being symptomatic into him being a selfish jerk. After this last "episode", I was trying to do something different to try to avoid creating a pattern of enabling his bad behavior. I apparently suck at this, because his behavior is even worse than normal. (for these periods)

It feels like I suck at all of it right now. He's getting "better", but more selfish and I'm weaker and falling apart. I suck so bad at boundaries that I think I gave up more than normal instead of setting boundaries. I feel so damn stupid. It honestly seems like not only did I fail at setting boundaries with him, but my boundaries with my kids and employees have gotten worse.

My whole world feels like it's crumbling. I'm so good at making everything so easy for everyone else that I've made life miserable for myself. I'm 3 seconds from shutting off from everyone and falling apart. My will to fight for anything is completely gone right now. All I can do is cry.

For example, this week all of the kids have been completely disrespectful to me....I mean PROFOUNDLY disrespectful....but I think I'm teaching them it's okay to treat me like sh!t since I basically let him do it. Every day this week, I go to work, get my guys started, then I take my son to school, then go back to work, pick up the kids from school...help with homework, make dinner...I do EVERYTHING!!!!

How do I get repaid? My kids have started being disrespectful and he is distant and cold. Enough is enough....I can't live like this anymore. In fact, if I ask him about how to get past this stuff, he gets belligerent almost. He says, "well, you've been short with me". He couldn't give me an example though.

What we figured out is that it's because I'm not suzy sunshine when he gets up and leaves to go back to the other house every night without a second thought about how I feel. Well, screw you! You know what? I don't tell him he can't go, I don't beg him to stay...I just sit there sad when he goes.

I have the right to be sad. I don't have to like it. I don't have to pretend I like it. In fact, as long as I'm not a jerk about it, I have the right to HATE IT! I do hate it. I hate that I do everything and I feel like a f*cking nanny. So what? Now I'm "supposed to" pretend I like this? I can't and I won't.

So, I've made it so that they have no reason to "want" to come back. They have everything they want....homework done, free meal, they get to see everyone everyday, then get to go home and not have to clean up from dinner and just get free time to spend together. I'm a damn idiot!

Then, not only do I not get appreciated for it, but I get talked to like I'm a piece of crap??? I ask what we can do to make things better and he yells at me? Oh HELLLLL NO! People treat dogs better than this. That's how I feel like I'm treated...like some sort of service animal. I'm not even "allowed" to have my own feelings or thoughts or express myself.

When I was on the phone with him, all I could do was cry and shake....when I explained this, his demeanor did change, but I can't even care about that right now. His tone changed and he said he hadn't looked at it from my point of view and that he was sorry....I don't want to hear "I'm sorry"....show me you are. Show me that my feelings matter too. Treat me like a damn human being. Do some of the damn work yourself.

I can't do anything else. I can barely even make myself get up. I don't want to do anything....I feel just like I did when I was being abused. This feels abusive to me. It feels mentally abusive at this point. Maybe they were all right, maybe I don't deserve to be treated like anything more than a piece of crap...

 

[Silver.]

:hug:
I think it is good that you are voicing how you feel to him. I think you should take some time to regroup for yourself. Write out the boundaries that you want put in place so you are more likely to stick to them. Then sit down and have a conversation with him and then one with the children.
For the children, tell them the new rules, have them written or printed out, put them up where they can see them and then follow through when they are broken. (a few rules in our house is respect each other, chores are not optional (nor are they paid). ).
We also have a list of "rights" up on our inspiration board (such as you have a right to your anger, you don't have a right to take it out on others)
Not sure the age of the children or what not, but when my daughter breaks a rule, depending on what it is, is how we have repercussions. The more severe the infraction, then I have her go to her room to brainstorm ideas for a punishment. Then we sit down and hash out a medium between what I am thinking and what she is thinking (normally she comes up with things way worse than what I would have done).
The biggest thing we can do for ourselves is parents is have a strict follow-through for rule breaking. They don't help clean up for dinner? They don't get dinner or they have to make their own (and it needs to have something from each food group)
They don't pick up their room? Everything gets thrown into a garbage bag. If they want any of that stuff back, they have to earn it back through chores etc...
I hope that you can have a good discussion with your s/o, where you can really get through how you are feeling and how you want your needs met. Forgive me if my memory is crap, but have you two tried couples counseling?

 

[Enaila]

Being a parent is hard enough and even harder when you don't have a supportive partner. You say you give and give. I remember those days. Are there any of your friends you can plan a day out with? Go for a scenic drive, have lunch, get nails done, or do something else special for yourself for the day?

It is rejuvenating and good self care. It will give you a break and them time to realize you need them to do their part. If you don't have a friend to go with, do it anyway. I have spent time having a meal by myself and people watching or walking through a nature park (in a safe one). It gave me some to clear my head.

I remember being reminded to take care of myself or I wouldn't be able to take care of others.

 

[hodge]

:hug:s Nae Nae. Your anger and frustration is totally justified. I wish I had some sage words for you, but I've never been in this situation and so am leaving that to others that have kids.

 

[Justmehere]

Setting boundaries is so hard. Other people usually behave worse at first.

The boundaries are not about changing them. It's about changing us and what we allow.

And it's freaking hard to hold boundaries and not enable bad behavior - and it also doesn't make the bad behavior your fault at all.

Be as kind to you as you can. You deserve so much kindness and all the support and equal partnership you want and crave.

You are doing all the work, and it seems like they have turned you into a cook and babysitter, not a partner. I wish I had any good advice on how to handle it - my own brain is a scrambled mess at the moment.

But I wanted to tell you that you are doing an amazing job handling stuff that is really hard for most people and I hope that somehow things get better soon, whatever the change needs to be, and that your sufferer shows you a significant and lasting change or that whatever changes need to happen are easy and your needs are finally supported. :hug:

 

[NaeNae75]

I want to (and will) respond to each of you individually in a minute, but I wanted to relpy to you all together first. Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm literally crying from the support I am feeling from you all. This is the one place I feel genuine support.

Thank you all for understanding and not beating me up. I'm sorry you all know how to do that because it means you suffer too. Only people that are in this situation truly get it, and it makes my heart go out to each of you. That you all are fighting your own battles and deamons, but you took the time to be so kind to me.

I truly love you all!

 

[hodge]

I love you, too, NaeNae. You hang in there, honey. You deserve all the support we can give and more. :hug:s

 

[cat-lady]

You do a really good job of articulating your feelings and experiences in writing. If they don't give you a chance to get your words out in person you might want to try using writing to get through to them.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Your feelings are just as valid as his. Your time and effort is just as important as his. You're a single parent just like he is, but it sounds like you have your stuff together about it and he needs to learn a few lessons about multitasking.

I'd be pissed off too. You deserve to be pissed off.

I'm not sure how old all the kids are, but it sounds like momma needs a night off. Let them take care of their own stuff for a night if they're old enough to, if not get a sitter. If they're older a little reality check does a body good. Hungry? Feed yourself. Got homework ? That's nice, I graduated a long time ago and I had to do my homework by myself. Need a ride somewhere? Not tonight because I'm tired from running people everywhere with no thanks, so I'm taking a break...Etc. I have older teenagers, and every once and a while they need reminded of how much mommy time and attention they get, and that they need to be appreciative enough of it to be respectful and not entitled.

It's a start. Your sufferer is treating you like a nanny. You're justified in feeling that way. That's a sticky one though, because you love his kid.

 

[Enaila]

@Sweetpea76 I agree 100 percent. This strategy does work! I've had to resort to it myself a time or two.

 

[NaeNae75]

Thank you so much, everyone. We talked this morning and I told him how I felt about everything, I left it up to him if he kept our plans for the day. He told me he wanted to come. So we all went and met up with my two best girlfriends and their kids. We really had a very good time. Then after everyone went, he and his son started going on rides. My daughter and I were just basically left standing there with the baby. I was so ready to leave. I was pretty annoyed.

So once the "tickets" ran out, we were finally able to leave. We went out to the farm and fed the animals, then went to Toys R Us. Everyone else wanted to go, even though I didn't. The second we walked in, he went off with his son and left us. It irritated the crap out of me. When we met back up, I mentioned going to Barnes and Noble....he didn't want to do that, though, because he was worried he'd spend too much money.

He suggested dinner. I let him pick where too. So, I was trying to talk to him about pics, and he just blew me off to talk to his son. I understand spending time with his son, but I'm tired of being ignored. So I didn't say a word. He ignored me all through dinner. So now I'm furious.

We get back to the house, and he just says...okay we're leaving. WTF???!!!! Seriously? What was the purpose of even going? I honestly think I can't even talk to him right now. He told me I want more than he's willing to give. SO, talking to me at dinner is too much to ask for from the person who does EVERYTHING for you? Bite me. Congrats.....you guys will have all of the time in the world together. I can't do it anymore. Not right now, at least.

This is killing me. I hate feeling like this. This goes way beyond a simple PTSD reaction. This is just crappy selfish behavior. I don't want to shut them out, and I'm afraid of what is going to happen with his son, but maybe I can't care anymore. I can not remember the last time my heart was this broken. I don't even know who this asshole is. I don't ask for much....but I'm not going to let him push me into SI...and I'm right there on the cusp. All I wanted was a modicum of being treated like a person. Apparently it's too much to ask for to be treated with any sort of respect.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think it's time to batten down the hatches and everything that isn't essential-------goes.

This means your boyfriend, his son, anything your kids want beyond necessities-------you focus on yourself. Yes, you love your boyfriend and his son but your BF is an adult and if you continue to enable his bad behavior he's never going to step up and be the dad he needs to be, or a good partner. If your kids treat you like crap, the punishments start. Set those boundaries.

Who cares if this is PTSD? He's treating you like a doormat and that's simply unacceptable.