Sometimes I Feel "frozen" At A Young Age, In Trauma.

[Tippi]

Dearest JFK.....

Actually, I have done some reading about DID and I have wondered if I do fit the criteria. I think of it as a marvelous and creative way to have survived some unbearable childhood traumas. I'm so glad you mentioned that. I do feel as though the fragmentation I feel is very similar to having parts. Since I've not had a therapist in quite a long time, I haven't been able to talk about that with anyone. It is worth exploring, I think. Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm going to try to do more reading in the "Dissociation" part of this forum whenever I have some time. I'd like to learn more.

 

[Tippi]

Also, I probably put on the air of not needing anyone's help, support, anything....because I never got much of it and am used to it, but also horrified in many ways by feelings of need...needing any help or support or even emotional connection.

Dearest Chava....

I really do relate to your post. I think I must exude an air, too, of not needing anyone. Actually, I never ask for help.....ever. It just never occurs to me. I grew up without it. So I have no idea where you get it! But that doesn't mean I don't crave love, kindness, or empathy. I do. It's just that I guess I no longer expect it from anyone. I've had numerous bad experiences with people I should have been able to rely upon and so I just gave up. I also discovered that narcissists and psychopaths have nothing to give anyone.

Your challenge is the same as mine, Chava. I am practicing being more vulnerable, too. I did have a recent really good experience while opening up. There are some truly kind people in the world. It's just that I grew up having to pretend all the time that I could handle anything. It was unfair to me......I was parentified and taken advantage of and expected at young ages to take on adult burdens. Not fair to any child.

Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. I find it so encouraging.

 

[Tippi]

I really don't have a time that I fit into is what I would say. I feel like I'm just outside the world mostly.

Dearest Go Hungry......

I feel this way, too. I used to think that I didn't fit here at all.....in this world. Life can seem so difficult when you're trying to figure out and deal with stuff that a good childhood should have afforded you. It's like taking puzzle pieces and finding where they fit, like trying to make sense of a whole picture of ourselves when we only experience bits and pieces.

Thank you for sharing that, GH.

 

[Tippi]

I often feel very young in therapy, I'm coming to just accept that's how I feel just now and it's ok.

Dearest Suzetig......

This particular sentence really comforts me. I often feel very young, even though I haven't been in therapy a while. (I am looking for one, though.)

Yes, it really is okay to be where I am. Thanks for reminding me of that.

 

[Tippi]

Dearest shell......

I love your idea of teddy bear. Isn't it interesting that I never had a stuffed animal when I was a little girl? I never had one. I wonder what it would have felt like to have a comforting stuffie to sleep with at night. I guess because I never had that experience, I never think of having a stuffie now.

I believe it's important to self-soothe, too. I need to learn more about how to do that. Thanks for giving me that idea.

 

[Tippi]

Hi, everyone.....

I just wanted to say that I have thought for some time that a lot of my attachment issues may have occurred preverbally. I have watched my mother take care of my sisters children when they were babies, and she is horrible at it. She never connects with them at all!!

Oh, she does all the perfunctory duties......bathe, clothe, feed. But there's no interaction whatsoever. She will then sit them in their little chair on the floor in front of the TV and leave them there so she can drink coffee and do crossword puzzles. When they cry, and hold out theire little arms to be picked up, to be played with, she acts frustrated. She shames them. I would get furious at her! I would immediately pick up the little one and cuddle and hold and laugh and play with them. What in heaven's name is wrong with her? When she does handle little ones, she has no patience.....no tender hugs or gentleness.......she gets mad if they squirm or cry.

I say that to say that the only way I have ever known how to self-soothe is that I will curl up in a ball, facing the back of the couch, with my hands curled up in a ball at my chest, and I just lie there almost in a trance, eyes open, just lying there for a long, long time. On my worst days with flashbacks, I might lie there for hours. Just staring. Not allowing myself to feel. And it is the only way I know to just "not feel." It's a way to zone out, I guess.

It only occurred to me recently that I bet that was what most of my infancy and toddlerhood was like. I really believe that the deep sense of loneliness and emptiness I feel all the time can be traced back to that lack of attachment and bonding. I'm sure she would have treated me the same way I've seen her treat my 3 nieces and my 2 grand-nieces. She is "there" but she's not really "there" at all. Emotionally, she's checked out. Always has been. My sister used to say, "I know Mother was there physically, but why didn't she protect us? Where was she? I just don't remember her doing anything at all."

Yep, I really think that so much of my fragile and lonely and empty inner state is due to very poor mothering on her part.

Oh well, I still must deal with it and learn to help myself.

 

[Chava]

My mom actually hums to herself constantly as a way to tell everyone that she is in her own bubble and not willing to interact with anyone (it's too challenging for her or something). F--ccking annoying. She'll even just interrupt someone and start humming and tune the world out. I realize she has her own stuff, and we get along okay for a bit now (I live far away so don't have to hang out with her lots). But she made me feel so shitty about myself in lots of ways and I think a lot of that is still easily triggered.

I'm sorry for the parts of you that relate, or anyone that relates, but it's also good to know I'm not alone. My best friends moved for work and I'm stuck in a small town feeling like I'm on the edge of groups of friends and sometimes it's too exhausting to even want to participate anymore. It's like I went off to college by myself, every day...

 

[Tippi]

@Chava , I certainly do relate to you about having a mother who often lives in a bubble. It's interesting and confusing, in a way, because my mother is extremely outgoing and extremely talkative. She will talk your ear off, and she'll talk with strangers as if she's known them her entire life. I always found that so confusing.........like, why interact with strangers and not interact with your own children? Although I probably can answer that question.......she talks about very shallow things and rarely, if ever, shares anything of true depth or meaning. I don't hang out with my mother, either.........my mother makes me feel awful about myself, too. In fact, I can count on becoming depressed, being triggered terribly, or feeling suicidal after spending time with her or talking with her on the phone. It's pretty sad, really.

Thanks for your posts, Chava. No, you're definitely not alone. It's too bad you're stuck in a small town and feeling that sense of loneliness because your best friends moved. That must be miserable for you. Sometimes I am too exhausted to even care about having connections or friends any more........so I do relate to you. You made a great analogy, I think........it really is like going off to college by yourself, every day........I definitely understand that. I hope things can change, little by little, by both of us.

 

[Chava]

OMG, my mom and some of her sisters are really good at connecting with people they barely know, but like threatened or awkward or just dismissive of "important" relationships. In some ways, I think this personality glitch helped one of my aunts do really well in business. But it's hurtful if you think you're close to any of these people. And bothersome to notice I do some of this myself...easy to get along with, sort of know everyone, but totally alone. thanks again for sharing, @Tippi