Dom Violence Son is mad i left abusive father

[BLA]

I am not really sure how to handle this. I know I feel like I can't win here. My son asks me today why I left Dad. I told him I don't know how to explain but then reverted to Dad's anger since this is something he knows about. He said that Dad told him I left because of a fight and he told me to leave. Which is not even a accurate descriptor of why I left. My son claims that his Dad is only ever angry at me or someone who hurts someone he loves. Now my son should know this is bull because he has come home concerned about Dad's potty mouth while driving. He also told me about his Dad being mad at his former roommates. I am just lost on what do I say to my son and how to minimize the damage his father is doing to our relationship. I am scared of his father and I can't even tell him that. I feel like if his Dad keeps it up that my son is going to lose his love for me. I am afraid of what else he tells him. Let's face it I can't compete with the gifts his Dad buys him and I don't know how to talk to him about his Dad in a way to at least let him know that it is best this way. That staying with Dad wasn't an option and still isn't. It's been 9 years and yet this man is still talking to our son about me leaving that leaves our son believing that he is still mad at me for that. I wish I knew what to do.

 

[mumstheword]

I eventually ended up saying to my oldest son, only last year (and he is nearly 27) that people have every right to leave a relationship that they aren't happy in. That they really need no other reason than that.

That way, no blame was given to his very narcissistic father; as anything that incriminates dad, is just asking for trouble.

I think that approach was very freeing and empowering for both of us.

My kid's Dad had told them all kinds of lies and nasty blame games as to why I left. He Is not one to take responsibility for anything or be honest.

I copped a lot of shunning, judgement and being labeled "crazy" in a stigmatizing, demoralizing, invalidating way.

It sounds like you are going through something similar and it's a really horrid, painful, subtle, manipulative form of abuse.

I'm so sorry and sad for you that you are going through this.

I had to stop seeing my kids when they were being used by him as minions in his abuse campaign and it's extremely painful, but I had to put in boundaries that basically communicated that I have a zero tolerance for being treated abusive, any more.

This, unfortunately, went on for quite a few years. But we are coming out of it now.

I reduced contact to birthday and christmas presents and cards, with heartfelt and honest letters, but avoided too much story about myself and their Dad.

The more you know yourself, accept yourself, love yourself and practice self-care, and surround yourself with loving, accepting respectful people, the more strength and positive role modelling you will give your son.

My children and I no longer speak of their father. If he's mentioned, it's in very light, routine terms.

However, when his behaviour has been off the charts criminal, either abusive or over the top negligent, i have had to call the behaviour and I've been clear that it's the behaviour I'm objecting to, rather than an attack on his person.

This was only done with my younger children who couldn't be poisoned against me though.

The older ones were tricker to talk to about those kinds of abusive, manipulative tactics that they were subject to.

I just had to stop talking to the older teens and young adult chidren while they bought his side and waged a blame/smear campaign against me.

I had just been too ill by the abuse and my c-PTSD and acute stress disorder plus a host of long-term physical issues. I was run down and shattered by long term neglect and exhaustion.
He wanted the kids, wanted to have a "win" " against me, knowing they were my everything.

I was the one to leave, I had poverty, homelessness, illness etc so the older kids were easy to sway and keep from me.

When it is too painful and unfair and not honest, it is very hard to get past the hurt of blame, rejection, denial and betrayal and maintain a loving, accepting mode while practicing healthy boundaries. But striving for that and modelling that, gives children security and counters the nasty slander and denial of responsibility coming from the other parent, I've found.

I hope you surround yourself with love and kindness and that you are getting (or can get) lots of support around this.

I also hope you can accept that your son may stray from being your loving boy but part of growing up often involves a separation from mum and a closer alignment with Dad, no matter how Dad behaves.

Hopefully, as he matures, he will see things more clearly for himself and you can build a healthier, closer, respectful and healthy-boundaried relationship.

I hope some of my story gives you some helpful ideas and support to get through this.

This kind of thing has been one of the most painful things I've had to go through, so I am sending you lots of compassion, empathy hugs and e-support.

Please feel free to vent and I am happy to listen and give you peer support, if you find it helps. Good luck!

 

[shimmerz]

^^^^ Excellent posting. I have often looked for words like this myself for a similar situation. Thank you.

 

[ladee]

Excellent answer @mumstheword !!! Where were you when I needed to hear that !

 

[mumstheword]

So glad you both got some benefit from my words.:-) This was certainly hard won wisdom and to be able to share the "fruits" of my journey makes it all the more worthwhile.

 

[BLA]

It is so hard to know how to handle this. I worry that my son's father will win because he buys him the best stuff which I couldn't afford and even if I could I would not buy him stuff the way his Dad does. Of course if Dad starts worring about money then my son is going to hear it from Dad. He has already gotten angry at him once for asking for something but the truth is he has trained him to expect Dad to buy him lots of stuff.
Anyway I don't know if he will take an answer that if you are unhappy you have the right to leave since Dad told him there was one fight and he told me to leave. Of course according to him he didn't mean it. My son was upset that I wouldn't give him details too. My son was convinced that if I hadn't left we would have had a house by now which given his Dad's work history is not likely in the least.
He kept saying, "Nobody is perfect!" I agreed to that and didn't know what to say after that.
I mean he is right but he is only going to be 10 next month so how do I explain that that doesn't mean that we have to stay in situations that are not good for us. My son seems to have this superhero image of his Dad in his head despite knowing about Dad's anger and that Dad seems to have memory problems(Not sure if this is genuine memory problems or gaslighting cuz Dad drinks alot and he is 68 and I have not delved to deeply with my son on what memory problems he means although Dad is capable of gaslighting), that Dad can say mean things about people he cares about, that Dad hasn't been consistently around except for the last year, he is aware about Dad's drinking problem because I did tell him after I became concerned Dad was violating the order not to drink and was concerned Dad would drink and drive with him but I think Dad does it outside when he is around and since his Dad doesn't always show classic symptoms of being drunk my son isn't able to connect other behaviors to it. I don't know there is probably more that he knows about but he seems to be giving a pass on them. Last year Dad was texting him about picking him up. My son had recently been pulling his hair out when he was bored to where he had a bald spot. When my son told him about the bald spot he freaked and called, while obviously drunk, started saying to our son how he had cancer as a kid and how hard that is. He was telling him he didn't want that for him. My son had it on speakerphone and it was just so overboard it was upsetting my daughter too. Then he starts saying how our son is going to go live with him. At that point I took the phone because it was just upsetting all around. I told his Dad that there are things that are innapropriate to talk about with our son. He got angry and this where I finally realize he is drunk I told him I was not going to talk to him while he was like that and hung up. I have multiple voicemails from that night wherr he is slurring including one where he says he can get our son whenever he wants and he is just down the street. It has really hard to mistake his slurrinf but even if you do I have emails from the next day where he tries to deflect that he was drinking onto me. He also said he had designated drivers(He is not supposed to drink before or during visits), then when I wouldn't give him wiggle room he claims that he decided not to get him because he didn't want him to see him drunk. I am convinced that if my son had told him to come pick him up that night that he would have. And if I hadn't picked up on the signs quickly enough before he did that is a scary thought.
Sorry I am rambling. I just have all these fears and worry for him and I am not sure what to do a lot of the time. It sucks when my son comes home and is angry with me about something that he doesn't remember, especially when those things seemed to be skewed to make me look like a bad guy. This situation just sucks period. I don't want to get in a pissing match with his father but I also don't want to overlook behaviors that can have long term negative consequences for our son. I hate feeling helpless.