Speak

[Lady of Longbourn]

I'm just grateful to be older and a little wiser now.

Leah, if you could go back in the past knowing what you know now, would you still speak?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

She asked me if I knew of someone who was being abused. I was about to tell her that it was me, but I hesitated and said no.

I am sorry Emma. Deer in the headlights moment.

I had one of those in middle school. School counselor grabbed me from the hallway and first thing she said is "Is it true you are have a relationship with a 26 year old?" I didn't know her, never talked to her. I thought I was in trouble. She said it like if I admitted it that I would be in deep trouble. I had never met an adult who cared about me or what I think. So I told her no, it's just a rumor. I wish she had handled it differently.

 

[maddog]

I think that not being able to picture how it would be or what it would feel like to ask for help, is a big part of why we don't do it. If you don't have a template for help seeking that has been developed and reinforced during your early development, then it is impossible to imagine doing, let alone actually to do, the actions associated with seeking help. We do what we know, and so conversely, we don't do what we don't know. This is how child abuse remains so safely hidden and difficult to penetrate, because it is suppressed and hidden more securely by its victims than it is by its perpetrators.

Sadly, society still perpetuates a whole load of beliefs and behaviours that do not support disclosure, such as the concept of minding one's own business at all cost, and the general sense that conformity is what is required and that those who act or appear differently do so due to some flaw or defect which is inherent to them and not likely to be the result of external factors. Even in today's world where we are better at "talking the talk" about disclosure than we used to be, those stereotypes and social norms run deep, and for a child without any solid foundation for help seeking or an emotional base from which to explore, it is horribly difficult to reach out when you don't know what you're even reaching out for, or what will happen when you do.

To ignore and reject a child who is suffering is one of the most damaging things that can be done.

Maddog

 

[Leah123]

Leah, if you could go back in the past knowing what you know now, would you still speak?

You know, I just discussed this with my therapist a few days ago. I told her, truly, that it cost me my entire family, when I chose to speak, and it cost me a lot in my adolescence and young adulthood, to have to be strong at that point, and not look back- to feel... alone and as if I had to succeed and be strong without my family. My family, sigh, they were poison to me, but... I was young when I talked and it was just very scary and traumatic to lose the tiny bit of stability and routine I had by having to leave my father's house, move in with my mother, then be abandoned by my mother who, in her denial, said I had False Memory Syndrome. I had to leave all my siblings behind as well. It still kind of breaks my heart to think about it.

And though it might seem small.... I was an honor student, I was doing extremely well in school, and I LOVED learning, I loved school. But, with no support and not understanding what I was up against (PTSD) I thought I was going crazy, and dropped out of high school, only a few months short of graduation. So.... that was an expensive price to pay. It was a very hard time, though, I also had great successes during that time too.

I am glad I was brave. I am glad I was strong. I am glad I made it, and built a better life. I honor those parts of myself. But- I did not understand, I didn't have the foresight then, to realize how ugly the situation would get, and, well, I don't believe in regrets, but.... if I could do it again, I would plan better, perhaps want to bide my time til I was in a safer, even stronger place. Still- where would I have found that safety, at that age- I don't know. I took a huge risk in telling. A gamble for freedom. It worked, but with a HIGH cost.

You know though- we all pay. We're all paying, whether we told or not, so.... curses to my abusers, that I pay the price for their sins. There's no perfect answer to what to do.