Following repeated sexual abuse at age 3, my mother reacted to my extreme clinginess and aggression with punishment- ignoring me icily as if I did not exist for long periods. I had no support, contact or even kindness for my suffering from any other person, and as my mother was obsessed with 'normality and happiness', demanding these to perfection from her family, I split in two in order to survive. Into a 'normal happy self', with which I identified as 'me', and into a trauma-side, which my 'self' had no awareness of at all.
Six weeks ago, after 45 years of being perfectly split, the division between the two started to break down, and is still dissolving.
As a result, my 'self', the only identity I've ever known, is crumbling, as trauma-side's perceptions and experiences flood in. My conscious mind is being barraged with the trauma-information that I am about to be annihilated, to die! It took me 5 weeks to make sense of what is happening and to convince my 'mind' that I/it is not about to die.
Now, something very new is beginning to take place. My self is starting to realise that the trauma-side is truly PART of me.
And more. 'Normal self' is accepting that the only way to heal and ever be truly fulfilled is to become the loving, caring, good MOTHER to the 'child' trauma-side, which it never had. (And who my self has been looking for addictively in OTHER PEOPLE all of my life).
This inner decision heralds a new era for me, on the cusp of 2012..
Six weeks ago, after 45 years of being perfectly split, the division between the two started to break down, and is still dissolving.
As a result, my 'self', the only identity I've ever known, is crumbling, as trauma-side's perceptions and experiences flood in. My conscious mind is being barraged with the trauma-information that I am about to be annihilated, to die! It took me 5 weeks to make sense of what is happening and to convince my 'mind' that I/it is not about to die.
Now, something very new is beginning to take place. My self is starting to realise that the trauma-side is truly PART of me.
And more. 'Normal self' is accepting that the only way to heal and ever be truly fulfilled is to become the loving, caring, good MOTHER to the 'child' trauma-side, which it never had. (And who my self has been looking for addictively in OTHER PEOPLE all of my life).
This inner decision heralds a new era for me, on the cusp of 2012..
