Started To Thinking Seriously To Give Up...

[IrisL]

I gone threw a lot the last year - had a nerve break and had to take time off from work - more than two month...
My narcistic relationship ended - left me with deeper damage...
Originally at therapy we talked about after 2 years they would reevaluate me but my doc said she thinks I can do it... Now I'm forced into a group therapy which I'm not prepared at all and no 1-1 person therapy... At the clinic they just test me for triggers and they do a lot of things which upsets me or even make me suicidal.
My friends never there - everybody has a life to lead and me I'm just a vegetable...
Now at ththe clinic they talked with me about a minimum 5-7years therapy but even mentioned life long ... They push on me medication, because how I feel they are incompatible.
If I take medication I will lose my only safe place - which anyway I can't do it so often because of my emotions - is the creativity...
I'm afraid from people because I'm afraid they will use me as my ex and my previous encounters, who I believed in...

Diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and everywhere I read to people suggestion for them to run away from a person with BPD...

My sister who lives in London don't give a damn shit about me - never invite to anywhere and she always meet with me in places where she can't pump into others... I had been at her place where she lives... She is ashamed of me... And denies what's her dad did with me...

The only person who I can always call is my mum, but now again I'm having problem to forgive her mistake...

I don't want to live as a handicap or emotionally disabled... And neither want to be used out again.... I can't take more at all and I'm trying but I always fail... And every each time my off day is research r search and crying, feeling hyper lonely...
And don't know what to do...

 

[joeylittle]

If I take medication I will lose my only safe place - which anyway I can't do it so often because of my emotions - is the creativity...

@IrisL - I'm sorry you're going through what you are living with right now.

I wanted to respond to this one thing - and please, don't think I'm pushing medication on you. I was aggressively anti-medication for the biggest part of my life, about 20 years, I guess. My reason was that I didn't want to have my creativity affected; I didn't want my mind to change, I was afraid that if I lost touch with my emotions, I would lose who I was.

The fact is, when I finally started meds (for depression) - not that much changed. I didn't lose my feelings, and I didn't lose my humanity or my creativity. All I gained was a slightly improved ability to cope with the physical problems of major depressive disorder. After they were at a good level, and after getting some solid skills under my belt, I actually went into one of the more creatively fruitful times I've ever had. It wasn't because I was manic, or 'happy'...it was just because I wasn't having to spend so much energy just coming up with reasons to stay alive.

For me - they actually helped my brain work just a little better.

I'm only one person on the internet...but you sound very low, and you've been pushing this rock up the mountain for a few years already. Meds might give you just enough of an assist so you can start to really fight for yourself again.

Thinking of you.

 

[ladee]

I nderstand how you feel. Used to wonder where I fit in this world with all the problems I have. This can be a very lonely life as few people understand how we feel or do the things we do.
Thank you for sharing. That takes a lot of courage. And a very heartfelt welcome. This is a very caring and supportive group of people who feel and think the same way.
We are in different stages of healing but everyone Will relate and understand.
I truly hope you find hope and friendships here. Glad you are here!

 

[Anarchy]

Sorry that you are having a rough time with T and with your sister.

Sending you e:hug::hug: and kind wishes
@

 

[IrisL]

Thank you
But my sis was always like that but hoped for better.
I should stop hope good in people ^.^ maybe that's the solution or go to Nepal to the highest mountain to live with monks. That's a solution too ^.^

 

[Anarchy]

How unhealthy people notice us, and what things might draw them to us is something that I've been discussing quite a lot recently.

Your father, sister and ex, are people who (if we assumed a normal world) should have been safe and caring - but they aren't and that really screws with our sense of safety and who we are and how we might manage to fit into the world.

There are other decent, kind and caring people (like your mum) out there. I don't think we have to go to a mountain monastery to find them - probably the opposite, the monastery might be the place to find the people who are having difficulty fitting in anywhere, and the sort of people who feed on them as well.

You are coming across as writing much more confidently in English, and you are reaching out here as well - both are very positive for you building up your confidence to meet new people, and build a new network of supportive friends.

sending :hug:s
@

 

[IrisL]

My mum now I can't forgive her ... Now I feel like that... She didn't attention at all to me... I know she's suffering from shame, guilt and sames but she never should be a mother.
I can't deal with my family who's prefer to not to talk with me because I'm just remind them of the things... Or just simply I'm annoying because I need answers and I never get.
I can't deal with them problem when who is damaged for life long is me... I can't take more, and I have huge war in me to not to end it... And don't know I will keep up... Sometimes I feel would be better to my family if I'm not exist anymore....
They are saying to me to be positive, and they say to me they know it's hard - but they don't ... And feel like them kindness just from pitty...

 

[Anarchy]

:hug:

 

[jesse]

I am sorry to read how much pain you are in. I hope you find an inkling of solcace on this site as there are many sufferers and survivors here. The abuse doesn't define you it is something you survived. You are strong just to still be alive. Hugs to you and wishing you peace.

 

[EveHarrington]

I want out, too. I'm sick of this prison.

:hug: :hug: :hug: