Starting Over, For The Hundredth Time

[TLight]

Once I see someone's true colors and self-centeredness, it is pretty much a done deal for me.

I can understand if he had PTSD/workplace trauma,,etc...then I'd be all lovey dovey and understanding. But he doesn't...he's the big man contractor and refuses to work for anyone else. In fact, he said, "I quit this job, I've quit many a job, and I'll quit jobs again." Childhood issues? Well,, yeah, Daddy helped him with everything, he worked with his brothers for years and years.....childhood issues, yeah.

This doesn't work for my symptoms. I've been highly symptomatic for months. I said I'd get a job to provide more stability............he said he'd drive me there. Unbelievable......I've worked for years with terrible symptoms and ended up in hospitals and now he's going to drive me there! I'm the one that's disabled!

Sounds like a selfish, self-centered asshole to me. GET OUT NOW>

 

[BloomInWinter]

You are loved and cherished here, ((((TLight)))). Hoping good resolution comes soon and you get to move on with your life with the care & support you deserve. Good for you!

 

[catjudo]

TLight, I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time.

When my best friend has trouble with her husband (who is a person I cannot stand) she always comes to me because I will be honest and not just tell her what she wants to hear. Sometimes I happily agree that her husband is being a jerk. Sometimes I have to point out to her that she is being unreasonable. Sometimes I tell her they're both being difficult and they need to work it out.

I want to try to bring that kind of honesty to this conversation and take a moment to perhaps look at the other side of this issue. I'm not saying you're in the wrong. And I don't know all of the details of your circumstances, so what I'm saying may not be 100% correct. But I do think there is value in trying to look at both sides of an issue.

Yes, the reason you do not have a job is because you're unable to work. And the reason your husband does not have a job is because he has chosen not to have one right now. He has declared himself retired. Yet if he has made statements such as

I quit this job, I've quit many a job, and I'll quit jobs again.

then to me that shows he is willing to get a job when and if it becomes necessary. (He can't quit jobs again unless he intends to get a job again.) However, you're demanding that he gets a job right now that brings in as little as just $200 a week so that you're not triggered and because you think that will mean better financial stability. He has around $200,000 in the bank, is working on finishing up a new home, and all of your current financial obligations are being met.

Under what circumstances would it be okay for him not to have a job? I see where you say if he had PTSD or workplace trauma you would be lovey dovey and understanding. But does he have to work until the day that he dies? Will he at some age that you deem appropriate be permitted to truly retire? How will you deal with your issues at that point so as not to be triggered? Are you working with your therapist now to try to find a way to work on your trigger responses? Something other than insisting he change his behavior in order to avoid your triggers?

Maybe he's being unreasonable. Maybe you're being unreasonable. Maybe the solution lies somewhere in the middle with a compromise of some sort.

 

[ms spock]

Ms Spock;

Yes yes and yes to all the questions. My parents hated me, my siblings blamed me, and I got out at 13 barely alive.

I'm done for tonight. I"m having severe anxiety right now, just took a klonopin. Hate life. I just know I can't argue with him anymore. I'm so tired, so very tired of the flashbacks and rages.

Can you go to a women's refuge for a break for a week?

(just brainstorming ideas)
ms spock

 

[ms spock]

Hope there's room at the shelters.

Oh I do so hope so!

 

[ms spock]

I am not really able to read anything more today so I wish the best of luck.
ms spock

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Hello there, TLight!

I too am sorry that you are struggling so badly. You do not need that as it puts more stress on you. As we all know PTSD, a serious and debilitating stressor in and of itself, with additions of other stressors is a recipe for disaster. You are not the only one in the relationship. Therefore you should not be the only one seeking solutions or steps in the right direction. It is teamwork.

I obviously do not have the full story and I do not want to jump in with guesses. Is it possible to set up an appointment with your therapist which your husband can also attend? I am not suggesting a couple's session, but as a session focused on you, your needs, your ideas, your feelings, etc... during which your therapist can help make sure that you are heard. Another task that I struggle with is understanding what someone is saying to me in a heated or stressful moment. On several occasions my therapist helped me understand what the other person was saying behind a long-winded tirade. This does not mean that the actual solutions will be as simple, but at least you have a starting point where everyone is being heard while making sure everyone understands what is being said.

If you decide to inquire with an attorney, I would strongly suggest that it is not just a family law attorney, but also has experience with people with disabilities.

I sincerely hope that you are able to find common ground for the outcomes and that both of you are okay the the choice(s).

Take care of yourself the best you can! Ask for help when you need it.

 

[mamachick]

Tlight I am sorry you are going through this also. I understand how stressful financial pressure can be. I also think catjudo makes some really good points. Looking at both sides is really important in resolution. Im guessing that there must be a resolution that is equally considerate of both of you. Maybe that means him not working at the time but negotiating purchases and expenses clearly.

As I get older, I am so aware of how few men I meet that do not fall into the catagory of the 3 A's, (abuse, addiction, adultry) . We each have to weigh the good and bad in a relationship and only you can answer and determine what is best for you. I am single and have huge financial stress. I still have triggers. Not meant for you to answer but maybe to ask yourself-Will you have triggers at a shelter or renting a room? and what might they be? Like catjudo said, please do not take this as a criticism but only something to think about before making a major decision. Hugs

 

[TLight]

Update:
I'm still looking for a room to rent. Ended up in my car one night (day after xmas I think)...it has been a blurr. Cold.

When I lose trust in someone, I'm heavily triggered just being near them. I've seen selfishness and self-centeredness like this a lot and it has always almost killed me. DAD= SELFISH. I knew going into this I COULD NOT withstand this type of situation. Yet here I am.

The lastest; this morning he said he couldn't do anything yesterday cause I didn't retype his resume! Oh, so after a year now I'm on a deadline, non-functional and all! He said it was my fault he spent yesterday doing nothing to fix this situation, drinking beer all day.

Oh, and yes, the guy drinks at least a 6-12 pack daily. When he was working, it wasn't seeming to affect much and I'm one for having a brew after a long day. But this year of 'retirement'...the drinking has gotten worse. Plus we both started smoking again. He's smoking a pack a day........me, I take days having none, then the triggering hits and I smoke away!

I've gotten some rest today. Stayed way away from him. He's been walking around doing something with the antiques I guess. Heading downtown to sell some I guess. Temporary fix. Won't cover many bills. He's going to blow through the $200,000 and then do 'something.' What I don't know. I feel like this pathetic effort to go down and sell a few antiques is just to stop the fighting. Or buy pot.........oh yeah, big pot smoker too.

Good lord........what have I done? I'm so tired of this and here I've gone and done it again. He didn't seem like an addict/selfish/loser the first two years. He took really good care of me. I was able to breathe for the first time in life.........now, crumbling, all of it crumbling and taking a huge toll.

Bloom....just checked my profile and thanks for all the hugs. I'm just laying low as possible until a room comes through.

 

[TLight]

Still not good. Found an apt and signing the papers tonight at 6pm.

Very triggering, I think I've moved at least 40 times in as many years. I hate the thought of having to get it together to pack even.
He continues to come in and say we need a third party to work this out. I say what I need, he says what he'll do......'I have to think of myself," is what he continues to say. What is the therapist going to do? I just don't understand. I've negotiated for months, said that we need to be considering staying on a budget, if he finds odd jobs I can help him. We need to stop the bleeding from the account.
Still this morning he says, "I don't know what your problem is....I'm not going to buy cows when we move over there, I'm going to have babies." Oh, so no income for yet ANOTher 3 years.........I swear the guy is living in la la land and I'm heavily stressed and triggered.

I've talked calmly, negotiated, said what I'm willing to do to bring sanity to this situation. He says, "I have to think about myself. I'm not just going to get a job."

Dear God....I knew I couldn't go throught this again. To many times with men who are having their mid-life I wanna be a cowboy, crisis...or whatever. I'm doing it my way! Just like my DAD! I'm not sleeping, used to take less than one klonopin a day, now I'm up to five! I'm trying to stay stable, waking in nightmares, flashbacks. And he just stands his ground.

Well, good luck to him.
MOving......urgh. He made a very important promise to me and he is now breaking it for what he wants. How can I interpret that other than I'm not worth it to him? He sees me deteriorating, but wants his way.

I'm so tired.

 

[TLight]

Love? Stand by your man?
I'm breaking, my heart is breaking AGAIN. I risked trusting, I risked........now this.

 

[NIKI]

Sorry TLight. :(