Starting To Talk In T About Ending Abusive Relationship With Family.

[Lee2001]

Truly realizing now that I am not going to get better until ending relationship with abusive parents, and grandmother. Just starting to talk in T about going about this! It is truly terrifying to me. My parents have been cruel my whole life to me, sometimes having a nice moment which makes me feel worse. Anyhow I think my mother is actually capable of hurting me or my family if I stand up to her or cut the relationship off. I have relayed this to therapist and also agrees she is probably mentally ill and capable as well. Or maybe I have just been bullied by them my whole life and my automatic response is utter fear of them. Which is ridiculous as I am in my thirties. I just get scared for me and my hubby and kids sometimes. It could just be me but what if they are capable of this? Do any of you have experience with abusive people in your life that you are scared to upset them? Just nervous to do anything due to recourse from these people. To me they are capable of anything. Thanks for your thoughts.

 

[Ronin]

I have relayed this to therapist and also agrees she is probably mentally ill and capable as well.

You can't live your life in fear forever, though.

So, what are you afraid of her doing the most, & what steps would you need to take in case she does it / that might prevent her from doing it / that might slow her down?

How aware is your husband of your situation & how supportive is he through this?

 

[Lee2001]

That's a good point @Ronin. Living in fear is no way to live.. I hadn't considered that. My husband is deployed but will be back in a week. He has an idea but not all the way. He is very supportive thank goodness and understanding. I am afraid the parents would be capable of physically harming at the worst and just slandering us at the least. That is why I have never completely stood up them. It's a hard situation and I have kids that I would be concerned about!

 

[Ronin]

I am afraid the parents would be capable of physically harming at the worst and just slandering us at the least.

Slander - well, you can ignore them, sue them, put the correct version of events forth in your community, expose them for liars they are and so forth. Dramatic it may be and sure stressful, not life threatening.

The physically harming part concerns me more - what is a safe way to evade them & where to go in case they escalate, & what have you found works for placating them? (Given you are alive, you've found something, multiple times over, while still yet a child and in all the other confrontation with them. So you know how they all behave, you know what makes them tick - you can use all of that to protect yourself and your own.)

 

[Muttly]

yes, it was very hard to do and I spent a lot of time talking through things with my therapist. We did a lot of "what ifs". What if the dad showed up at my house. What if they showed up at my work, etc. I won't lie, it was hard and things got worse before they got better. They did slander me and for a while I thought I would have to put a restraining order on my brother. that took me by surprise because I expected my dad to be worse. They called and said horrible things. they texted, they emailed, etc. It stunk. I am still very careful, what I do online because they have found me their and said horrible things.

having said all that, once I did break from them I took huge steps in my healing. I am glad I did it and it's still hard and there's a lot of emotional baggage but it's very clear it was the right thing to do. And having the support of my therapist and friends gave me the strength to do it.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Lee2001 Why do you feel that you have to or need to stand up to them? Why not just stop all contact, change your number, block them on your email, Facebook and all social media. There are tons of ways to block them from bothering you. If they show up at your home, don't answer the door, if they persist, call the police and have them removed. If that doesn't work try a restraining order.

It's best to not engage with them verbally, as it just amplifies the situation. Ignoring everything they do and say is the best way to handle everything.

 

[hodge]

In the year or two before I left home at 21, I was scared my mother would poison us. She used to threaten to kill herself with insulin (she's type 1 diabetic). I really was afraid sometimes that she would put insulin in our food. I moved out. My brother moved out. We survived.

Finally, just as I was looking to move farther away from her, I fell in love with my soon-to-be hubby and moved out of state to be with him.

If you can't move far away (which I highly recommend), I take it you know how to keep them appeased, as @Ronin said. It's not fun. It's like betraying yourself just to survive.

You deserve a safe life now. I'm wishing you the best as you move in this positive direction.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

 

[Lee2001]

Thank you all for sharing:) I am starting to see how this can be possible. As far as keeping them happy in the past I see them, make them feel good about themselves by giving them lots of attention, and made them feel happy by any of those ways. Problem is if I totally stop all of that and quit seeing them they will most certanantly retaliate. Possibly to extreme measures, but I will work with T to set up safety guidelines if it comes to that. I have stood up to them in the past which led to slanderous lies and some threats. I may just be totally paranoid of them and they aren't that bad...Either way it's encouraging to see that a lot of you have been able to cease contact.

 

[Bloomy]

Didnt read comments.

Yes Ive experienced this. So shit scared of "mother" that last time (15 years ago) I were supposed to see her I broke down in public tembling in total fear having a serious panic attack. I had been holding so strong force to be able to meet her at all and I came delayed caused I coulndt actually meet this person. So she had left due to my delay. And then I fell apart in relive. And utter fear. That was the cue for me that I can never ever ever have anything to do with such a person. My cue to leave some thing so toxic that I could not exist being in it.

I hope sincerely you find your way out too.

Im so relived today I dont have to have anything to do with any of those people (family they call it).

 

[Lee2001]

Thank you @Bloomy. I am glad to see good outcomes of leaving family that are toxic. Ugh it's so hard to do so this helps! Sorry about your family as well... I totally admire people who have accomplished this.. breaking up with scary people.

 

[Bloomy]

@Lee2001 glad to hear so. I will not lie and say any thing else then that initaitlly it feels hard, but then comes utter relive and makes it wrtyh while. My life can be dificult even today, but Im free from toxic people that only brought me to brink of destruction.

I admire you too for being brave and bring this up. Cheering for you Lee.