39, today. I've tried this test a couple of times and the wording of questions hits me differently each time. Maybe there just aren't good words for differences in really basic experience of reality and self.
I think that's part of why I never connected words like "derealization" to my experience; I would often think that I was sort of living my life through a mirror that "I" was back inside from, so the mirror faced reality -- not "me". "I" was sort of looking away from reality. That was my default state and still is; only on a few rare instances did I ever snap out of that and feel really "present". I knew there was a problem, and could tell it was related to escaping the ongoing abuse (the "mirror" let "me" stay back from a lot of the pain in a weird way) but never knew what to do about it. Descriptions from other people never matched this very well, and I never realized I was "dissociating" until just a few years ago.
Derealization has never scared me, though; it sounds like some people really dislike this sort of feeling, and sought help for this specifically as they clearly remember being very different. Being really "here" is what feels vulnerable. The muscle tension is what bothers me most; I think it's related to the dissociation somehow though. I do have a sense that I have missed being able to really connect with people at a certain level, though I've done the best I can and have grown a lot in certain ways, even before finally finding a trauma therapist...
Also, when people (including alleged trauma support sorts of people) can't sense one's emotions due to those emotions being dissociated away (and if they don't understand how people with long-standing dissociation but who seem to function, might act), those people don't really offer support, so one may not learn that those people are as safe as they are (in some cases), so one stays dissociated and continues to try to hide it.. it's a nasty circle.
