Stepping into a triggering environment

[Leighlee87]

I'm trying to mentally prep myself for what is to come, because I know it's going to be triggering.

Because of an emergency, I'm packing my bags and headed to my hometown to be with my brother for a few days. It's the same place where all the abuse occured, and if I hadn't left a couple years ago when I did, I would be dead. It's a tiny town. My abuser is there. I've cut off most of my family due to everything, and they all live there too. I'm terrified of running into any of them.

I don't know how to do any of this. I can't figure out how to mentally prep. My heart is ready to beat out of my chest. I can't manage to slow it down. The intrusive memories are flooding forward. I'm scared that stepping into those surroundings will set off a ton of flashbacks. I feel guilty, because I need all of my energy and focus to be on my brother and what is going on there, and not on myself. I feel self-centered because it doesnt need to be about me. But if I can't keep it together, I know I won't be able to keep the attention focused on where it needs to be.

Any advice on how to get through this? It's the first (and probably only) time I've been back.

 

[Fiadh]

Very brave thing for you to do. Concentrate on your brother, keep trying to keep your thoughts going back to him maybe, reminding yourself that's why your there, make little targets for yourself, like an action plan- what you're hoping to achieve.

Be kind to yourself though, you probably will experience anxiety and flashbacks and accept that this is OK and you can get through it. Take it day by day, or hour by hour. Revisiting difficult places can be horrible- be there for your brother as is your plan, you might surprise yourself with how much it doesn't bother you- it's the unknown I suppose eh!. Look after yourself.

 

[Friday]

When I've had to do similar, what's helped me the most is massive stress reduction, & bringing things back to basics, at every available opportunity. Well in advance of it being "needed". Rather like the "if you're thirsty, you're already dehydrated" schtick. Exercise, eating, sleep, emergency meds, time to decompress, etc. Things I might blow off under ordinary circumstances, that I really need to nail down & get in front of, under "this is going to be hard" circumstances. Even then? I've come to expect a massive symptom spike (and that's okay), and giving myself permission to roll with that (as opposed to trying to stuff it, to just get through).

 

[ladee]

Its normal for you to think and feel everything that you shared.
If you have to, write out a list of possibilites of triggers and how you would handle each one.
It is going to be stressful.
Are you in therapy? If so, make sure you can stay in contact with your T.
If not, remember to breathe. I know that sounds stupid..but remembering to take long inhales and exhales. It works to put you back in the moment.
And as @Iriseen shared..you are very brave to go help your brother.
Find some apps to have on your phone for grounding.
They really help.
We are here for you.
Let us know how we can help while you are there.
Its tough, but you can do it.
You are much stronger than you think you are!
Gentle hugs if you accept.
Keep in touch.

 

[Leighlee87]

Thanks everyone. Yesterday, was surprisingly fine. Today is a lot more difficult. Everyone I love is right there, but I can't be near them because they believe my abuser and not me. I'm trying to push my emotions aside because I don't want my brother to see how much I really do hurt and for him to feel guilty that I'm here. I don't know if that is a good idea or not, I'm not sure. I will allow myself to process those emotions when I get back home. I've fallen back on some unhealthy coping mechanisms to numb myself (not eating, cutting) to get through right now. I did contact my therapist to let her know the situation, I didn't tell her how poorly I was handling it, but I'm sure she anticipates that I will be a mess.