Childhood Still Trying To Cope With The Sexual As A Child

[Starlite]

I've been sexually abused since my early childhood. It started when i was 5 with my grandpa. We went to visit my grandpa every other weekend along with 3 of my other female cousins. He started molesting us. One at a time he would call us into his room for what he called "our special time". It was only a little touching at first then became alot more. Making me undress. Putting his hands inside places they didn't belong and having me perform favors for him. I knew what was happening wad wrong but i was a little girl and wad afraid to tell. This went on for a couple of years until i was 7. At that time he would let complete strangers stay the night in the room next to where us girls would sleep. One night one of those men decided to come into our room. I was asleep until i heard someone crying and felt my nightgown being pulled up and my panties being pulled off. I tried to wriggle put of the way but i couldn't. My cousin was next to me curled up into a ball. I started to try to scream but he put his hand over my mouth. He then parted my legs and began. This was the worst night of my life. I don't remember how long this went on but when it was over i just laid there. When i realized what happened i went to the bathroom to clean up. I was a mess. Had to change my clothes. I will never forget this night. I am now 32 years old and still have nightmares. They feel so real. I've never really seen anyone about this and haven't really told anyone till this day. I've just tried to forget it but every once in a while i still relive the memory.

 

[mrsps]

Thanks for telling your story. Sorry you went through what you did. I think it is really important that you find a therapist to help you deal with the abuse and the nightmares due to it. Please remember it was never your fault and there is no shame in reaching out for help.

 

[joeylittle]

As painful as it is, getting this horrible stuff out of just your head - being brave enough and ready enough to start to share it - that's a very important step in the journey towards overcoming trauma.

 

[J_trustno1]

I'm really sorry that you've been through this. You are really brave to share this and Please accept my condolences. I hope you find a therapist that is understanding enough and helps you through this tough time.

 

[arfie]

Gentle validation, Starlite. My father did similar wise, except with the boys, as well as the girls. I was quite successful in forgetting and the forgettance grew into several flavors of psychosis, complete with hospital league psychotic breaks. I don't recommend it.

My own therapy centered on dis-empowering the memories. Currently, I metaphorically think of them as stains on the carpet. Still as ugly as sin, but I can walk past them without tripping. Some days I even think I might be in danger of forgiving my father and his buddies (of both genders) for being sick enough to do these things to children. Some days... That part remains super hard.

Gentle support while you sort through your own unique dynamics, Starlite. Healing happens. Hope it happens to you.

 

[Lucycat]

I was quite successful in forgetting

Yes I managed forgetting for many years - but boy when that blows up in your face don't you know it!

Currently, I metaphorically think of them as stains on the carpet. Still as ugly as sin, but I can walk past them without tripping.

This is a great metaphor. I will think more on this.

Some days I even think I might be in danger of forgiving my father

I have thought that on occasions. But the danger soon passes when I trip up again on one of those carpet stains!

I am now 32 years old and still have nightmares. They feel so real. I've never really seen anyone about this and haven't really told anyone till this day.

I do hope that you will consider getting a therapist. It really does make a difference. This is not something you should have to deal with alone, and the fact that you are still having nightmares is very telling.

 

[arfie]

@Lucycat Yup, forgiving the folks genetically engineered to protect me for that much betrayal is still tough. I am being patient with the process. For now, I consider it progress when I can approach that forgiveness without a renewed round of tripping on "carpet stains."

Small steps.