Strange Star

[Go Hungry]

I would like to be clear. I would like to be the kind of person who knows what I want and what I need, who knows what steps to follow to get these and how much time and energy I should expend following those steps. It seems as if this is standard operating procedure for most people, most of the time. Not for me.

Honestly I don't think most people have this kind of certainty in their life. I've known plenty of folks who were confused as to what it was they wanted, and didn't have any clue on how to get it. Many, many people. In fact I can think of only two who seemed to have it figured out. They aren't your average folks by any means.

Seriously, a lot of the time, people are just kinda drifting through life, trying to do what seems like a good idea. Life isn't easy or fair for anyone, ever. (Granted it's alot more unfair for some, but anyway). Sometimes people ignore things they should be working on, other times they are right on top of it. Sometimes they pursue an unrealistic goal to the point of pure folly, sometimes they know when to quit. I know a guy who quit his job, dropped out of college, and spends countless dollars of his mothers money trying to become a professional video game player. I repeat, he thinks he can play video games for a living. Not all conviction is a good thing. It's the greatest waste of time and money I could think of, but it makes perfect sense to him.

Trust me, when you compare yourself to other people, you are comparing your 'behind the scenes' documentary to their 'highlight reel'. It's a mistake I make again and again myself. :hug:

 

[Hope4Now]

Telephone conversation with my mother just now:
"I haven't seen you for a week."
"I left you a message on Wednesday to say, 'Hi.' And I'm calling now."
"Calling doesn't count."
"J has offered to take you to church today; would you like to go?"
"Why can't you take me?"
"I have something to do."
"I don't think I want to go then. How are you feeling?"
"I'm okay, thanks."
"I keep praying for a miracle. But I think I'm going to stop praying because you need to fix this yourself."
"Okay. That's fine."
"I mean you did this all to yourself, don't you agree? So why should I pray for you? I should pray for myself."
"Yes, you should."

And perhaps this is yet another example of why I need to listen to my therapist and stop talking to my mother so much. This is the kind of stuff that penetrates right through my most powerful instantiation of bat cape.

 

[Hope4Now]

On the better side of things (my state swings wildly from moment to moment), I went to the city park where my community garden is to water. Everything is alive except the cucumbers. Yay. On the way back to the car, having accomplished one thing on my to-do list, I was enjoying the feeling of sunshine warming me through my black shirt. Instead of rushing off to accomplish other things on my list, I walked to a different part of the park where nobody was and lay down on my stomach in a huge bed of buttercups. Just lay there, feeling the warmth from above soak into me, and the solidity of the ground beneath me. Feeling the gentle breeze wash over me. Listening to the birds. It was quite wonderful and I relaxed a bit...could feel some of the tension drain out of my body and out of my soul.

Then, in a shift of attention that was unintentional (!), all that faded and I heard the sound of traffic, and sirens, and a parent shouting at a child in the parking lot, and all the stress of the overly full to-do list and "what the hell am I doing lying here in the buttercups" and the tickling of ants crawling on my legs and the thought that I should have sunscreen on and that I should get home to provide food for my children and drop my son's prescription off at the pharmacy and and and...came flooding back in.

What is amazing to me is that for the 20 or 30 minutes prior to that, I didn't hear any of it...just the breeze and the birds and the feeling of the sun, or feel like I cared about much of anything. I don't think I was completely dissociated. What I realized, however, is how selective experience can be...how much I can block out sometimes. No wonder I have repressed memories.

I know I do, but I still don't trust it's true. This morning in the shower (a common triggering place for me) a "voice" sounded in my head. Not a "real" voice like I heard it with my ears. But a distinct voice that was not coming from my conscious brain. It said, "Mommy did bad things to me in the bathtub." WTF. I swear something in me is making this stuff up. Yet something else in me asks, why would you make this up? For what purpose? And this is WAY TOO WEIRD to make up. WTF x infinity.

 

[Hope4Now]

I am a total mess today. Awakened at 5 AM in some kind of flashback/dissociation/present soupy mix that lasted for almost 4 hours. Probably because I was alone with nobody and nothing to jar me into crisis get-up-and-get-on-the-ball mode. My therapist says I have very powerful manager parts that usually let me do this. The flashback was like multiple ones all at once. I'd come in and out...different feelings/images/body sensations. I couldn't open my eyes but for a few seconds. There was enough of "me" there to realize--at some point in the process--that I should. Eventually, as it all abated, I was able to open my eyes, but seemed to have no language at all to name things in the room (a decent anti-dissociation strategy that really helps).

It was quite frightening to be aware that all language had gone from my brain. I don't remember ever having no words floating around in my brain and still being aware/conscious. My therapist has suggested that some of my trauma is pre-verbal. I guess that's what this was. It was horrible. I felt completely trapped and helpless.

My husband is not here. He had to leave last night because a family member with whom we are very close, and for whom we are responsible, is in the ICU. It is an awful situation and probably why I am such a mess today. I can't stop thinking about what happened. My husband and I have tried so hard over the years to support and help him, but he is intractable...refused to use the LifeLine system we installed this winter. He fell in his house and lay there for two days. We think a friend called the police who got him to the hospital. He is in the ICU and they have diagnosed him in the very advanced stages of Parkinsons Disease. We know he has been unwell for a long time but he wouldn't go to the doctor. It's killing us both that we didn't recognize the symptoms. He has always been so very depressed and he's old and we thought it was that. We've gone driving off on so many multi-hour emergency visits up there over the years when he calls and says he is going to commit suicide.

We've done everything we could do, but it wasn't enough. Why is nothing ever enough?

I recognize that I have fallen into a bad state over this. Some of it is because I can't do anything. The powerlessness to help someone who needs it triggers so many of my parts, I cannot even begin to enumerate them. I can't even go up there and be with him because I need to be here with the kids who have exams this week and shouldn't be hanging around an ICU anyway. And, in a totally selfish way, I am freaking out that I will have to do for him now what I had to do for my mother just over a year ago--find a place for him to live where he can be cared for, and battle him on it all the way, so that I'm caught in the middle. Another situation that triggers all kinds of parts of me.

And I don't know if I am up for any of this. I am such a mess with all these flashbacks and today my pain levels are so profound I can barely walk, and there is too much to do. I can't seem to settle myself down. I don't know what would help. I did go to church this morning, but had to leave several times during the service to go into the bathroom to pull myself together. Am trying to put a normal face on things for my kids. Told them I am just very worried about Uncle B. Am trying to be strong, but failing in a big way.

My husband and I are going to tag-team it while he's in the hospital. My husband will come back tomorrow and deal with the exams he has to give and grade. I will drive up there probably on Tuesday and stay for a few days. I'm nervous about that...nervous about having flashbacks while I'm there. Not sure whether it would be worse to have them in the hospital or when I am staying alone with nobody around that I know.

This feels like a crisis. I guess this is a crisis. Except it's a slow crisis...not an emergency one...even though it's kind of an emergency. I'm decent in emergency crises. I just fall apart when it's over and somebody else is responsible, like EMTs or something. The slow crises are way worse because they're sustained and they wipe me out but I have to keep going because I am responsible. This makes me feel like a child. I just want to cry and have somebody say it's okay and that they will take care of it for me and that I am going to be okay. I guess this is because it's what happened during my childhood. Feeling like this makes me feel so selfish.

I keep trying to remind myself that lots of different parts of me are extremely activated right now, and that I need to find a way to be in my current, reasonably capable adult self. That there is nothing at all I can do right now, on a Sunday, 4 hours away, except try to pull myself together and be calm and rested for what's coming. I want to be able to be present with him when I go up there to be with him...not be distracted by flashbacks and all my own shit. And I really want to be present and be able to support my husband. His uncle has been a brother, a mentor, a teacher, and an alternative father to him since he was a baby. My husband has not dealt with family illness or death. This is going to be very, very difficult for him. I want to be his support. I have talked with him 4 times since last night, and I can tell how much he is going to need the support. He is in his master-caretaker mode, but going into this crisis already completely stressed out from other things...me and his job mostly.

Ugh. I will just keep repeating myself if I keep writing. But it has actually helped some to write this. I am feeling so messed up right now. I wish I knew what to do to help myself.

 

[Go Hungry]

Try and hang in there. It's very difficult to try and be there for someone who refuses to accept help. My family is dealing with a similar situation, and there is seemingly no end to the effort needed to try and be responsible when there seems no end is in sight. I think you're on the right track though, thinking about bringing him to a place where he can be properly cared for. :hug:

 

[Pietro]

Sending lots of support and positive energy. Remember to be kind to yourself. You can't easily control whether you have flashbacks or not -- illness is illness, whether it be that of your loved-one or yours. Both deserve consideration.

Do you have any family friends that could assist y'all during the next few days?

 

[Hope4Now]

AM today...good, even though I only slept for around 3 hours last night. Had appointment with a friend who is an Alexander Technique specialist. I was nervous about it, but he was fabulous. I am excited to work with him :) Also, I've realized yet again how much one does not know about people one knows. Who knew that a fiddler and specialist in early music is also an Alexander therapist? Not I!

afternoon today...good but confusing. My therapist posed a new schema to me that may, once I process it, help me to deal more effectively with my inner parts. I think it is going to work, but it makes me very nervous.

early evening today...AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH...I missed the deadline for submitting a proposal for a $30K contract that we probably would have won. This would never have happened before my brain got so frazzled with all this PTSD stuff. I've done similar contracts for the past 4 years...but they changed the system and the language on me this year and it confused me. This is the first MAJOR thing I've blown. And, of course, it would have to be a biggish contract. Completely blew it. Emailed a mea maxima culpa to my boss. He was totally nonchalant about it, but truly I'm not sure how much more he's going to be willing to take with all my missed time and not pulling in the funding pieces for which I'm responsible.

I still don't know if I am going away to swap care for UB with my husband. I'm hoping to know for sure tonight. Trying to get all my ducks in a row...

I need to also spend some reflective time today. I think, perhaps, my powerful manager parts are revved up more than I think. The fact that I could not sleep last night (and was ironing at 2:30 AM), and that I have eaten only a granola bar today and am not hungry does not bode well. My therapist (whose caretaker/protector part was activated on my behalf today, I think...which was nice...) told me that I should be prepared to crash between what happened yesterday and how today has gone. He is right, I think.

Off to do more things...groceries, laundry, dinner, etc.

 

[Hope4Now]

I sort of crashed yesterday, but mostly just very tired and out-of-it...not bad really, but totally non-functional at work. Today I made the drive to visit my husband's uncle. Had a great drive--no traffic, gorgeous day, music blasting, looking at the mountains, sang most of the way here. I was generally feeling pretty decent. Kind of accepting of all the mess my life is in. Kind of just reveling in the experience of being a messed up and imperfect and needy human being. Feeling a lot of compassion for my poor self. Maybe a wee bit of "pity party" but mostly just compassion, and real recognition that I'm not so different from many people just trying to find some balance of love and connection and fulfillment in life. It was all pretty good.

I spent 6 hours in the ICU with UB. He's in bad shape. Cognitively, he's as sharp as ever...he's brilliant. In some ways this makes it even more difficult because he is fully cognizant of what bad shape he's in. Emotionally, he's deeply depressed. But really, this is nothing new. As is typical of him, he turned away the psychiatrist and is refusing to take the anti-depressants. He spent most of his life helping people who had been abused by or fallen through the cracks of the mental health system, so he is very suspicious and mistrusting of anyone or anything that relates to the mainstream mental health system.

What's hard is he's now on this thing about wanting someone to help him kill himself. He's had suicidal ideation since I've known him (24 years). Now he's displacing it onto my husband and me. He's quite resentful that we will not agree to this. I feel very conflicted and very sad about this. It is really hard to have someone you love be in this much emotional pain...and yet, he did allow that when he was lying on the floor of his house for almost three days, all he was wishing for was someone to rescue him. I know he doesn't really want to die. That what he really wants is someone to fill up the black hole that is the feeling of being unloved. In fact, he almost said as much this afternoon. He wanted hugs, so I gave him a lot of them. I also did some of my untrained reiki healing on him, and he liked that. I started on one knee, and then later, he asked me to do the other. This was HUGE that he asked this, because he is so negative about everything else. He told me I am too cheerful (LOL! I'm about the least cheerful person around...I told him I'm not cheerful, just hopeful).

I fed him his dinner. Very hard because he is so frustrated that he cannot hold the spoon or get it to his mouth very well. He was able to take the first three bites himself, though. This is a huge accomplishment because a couple days ago he couldn't lift either arm more than a few inches. But he can't see the improvement.

I'm intrigued by the parade of people coming to visit him. 25 years ago, he founded a sort of alternative support program for people who had been abused by or fallen through the cracks of the mental health system. It was a very cool place, but when he retired about 8 years ago, it became pretty mainstream much to his distress. He dedicated most of his life (and his personal resources) to helping these people in a humane and deeply personal way. Now that he's in need, the word on the grapevine is out. A lot of very interesting people have been through to visit with him, and it makes me happy that they are coming to support him after all he has done through the years to support them. And it's kind of fun to get to know them and their stories. And it's been eye-opening because for years he has complained that he has no friends and nobody cares about him...now, suddenly, we're getting an alternative perspective! Many people care deeply about him--he just can't see it.

All of this has been instructive to me in lots of ways. I'm learning that one must be open to receiving love and compassion as well as giving it. This is a new concept to me. In my well-practiced extreme thinking, one cannot be strong for others AND have needs. That polarity has begun to break down in the past month or so, and today just crystallized it. New idea: In order to be truly strong and compassionate and giving to others, one MUST be open to receiving love and compassion from others. It's a mutual thing. Who knew?

 

[Pietro]

I'm learning that one must be open to receiving love and compassion as well as giving it. This is a new concept to me. In my well-practiced extreme thinking, one cannot be strong for others AND have needs.

This has been one of the most difficult things for me to accept. Can't say I've been very successful at it, so far, but at least I'm no longer actively pushing it away. It's hard to start accepting this because it means you have to make yourself vulnerable, emotionally -- and, for people who grew-up like we did, doing so was emotionally dangerous.

I think it's very cool what your uncle did. He saw a need, saw people that were being ignored, and he jumped-in to fill that need, possibly going against societal norms to do so. He may never have had a series of books, or a TV show -- all because he chose to go his own way, chose to server others instead of stick with "the establishment". I hope he can, somehow, feel at least some of this accomplishment for himself. :)

 

[Hope4Now]

Tired today. Spent 8 hours in ICU with UB. What really made me tired was all the social interaction...between the nurses and a constant parade of VERY eccentric (but interesting) visitors, I was "on" from 1 PM until 9 or so.

What I am glad about is that it's good to know that I can still "rise" to a crisis. I had a flashback this morning, and really excruciating pain that accompanied it, but I did manage to bring myself out of it rather more quickly than usual. And I was able to use some grounding techniques throughout the day to keep myself present for UB.

I'm also feeling good that I did some energy healing work with him, and he seemed to really like it. I'm not a trained reiki practitioner, but I have a keen sense of people's energies and seem to be able to channel some healing to people who are willing to receive it. I would like to get certified in reiki when I can manage my own energies a little better.

I continue to be profoundly touched by the people who are coming to visit UB. Every single one of them has a story of how he save their lives...sometimes literally, sometimes in small and incremental ways. The flow of gratitude and love coming from them to him is stunningly wonderful and gives me great hope for the human race.

I'm also deeply moved by the caring of the two male nurses who have been attenting UB through the day. They are genuinely interested in supporting him. UB is a very complex person...brilliant and eccentric...and many "mainstream" people would write him off as just an aging hippie/oddball. But these nurses have really made an effort to get to know him and to respond to him in a respectful and tenderly human way.

I'm leaving tomorrow to swap the presence with my husband. I made the decision to care for myself and keep my 10 AM therapy appointment rather than staying here to support UB. I feel a little guilty about meeting my own need by leaving him, but also kind of proud that I made this decision as well, even though he is disappointed. I am learning, over and over again, that I must identify and fill my own needs if I want to be fully present and giving to other people. This is definitely progress for me.

 

[Hope4Now]

This has been one of the most difficult things for me to accept. Can't say I've been very successful at it, so far, but at least I'm no longer actively pushing it away. It's hard to start accepting this because it means you have to make yourself vulnerable, emotionally -- and, for people who grew-up like we did, doing so was emotionally dangerous.

Yes, I'm not very good at it either. I am trying to "practice" being vulnerable. Isn't that an odd thing to practice? I have done it mostly through sharing some of what is happening with me with some people. That's been a sort of 50/50 outcome. The most successful I have been has been just trying to be "in self" and keep my heart open to other people...by asking questions and trying to attune to the emotional place of the person I am talking to. This has also been a bit of a mixed bag because some of the people I talk to overwhelm me and then the part of me that wants to "fix" things kicks in. It is very hard for me to just "be" with someone else's needs in a simple and compassionate way, without either a) falling into their pain and need, or b) feeling compelled to do something to fix the pain or fill the need. This is what I need to practice!

 

[Pietro]

This is definitely progress for me.

You're doing the right thing. As I've often been told in therapy, adults are responsible for dealing with life's ups and downs, including disappointment. Plus, you have kids to attend to. It's so easy, at our age, to get caught between the still-dependent children, and the ever-increasingly dependent elder generation. It's an untenable position to be in when both sides are pulling at you equally hard.

You should much more pride than guilt. In fact, just leave the guilt on a bench outside, somewhere; someone else is sure to pick it up, at some point. ;)