Made it to VT. Powered through the drive and the evening. Lovely place and very quiet...only our school group here in what I am sure is a crowded and bustling place in the winter. I actually slept almost 4.5 hours last night total (the Calms Forte WORKED! YAY). This is a really fancy resort place...there is a jacuzzi bathtub!!! And we are actually in a kind of one-bedroom apartment kind of thing instead of just a hotel room...so I get a little privacy from my daughter which is lovely. (And, of course, she from me).
I have learned something crucially important about myself today. It is one of those "No DUH!" lessons. Now that I have learned it, I can see that I kind of already knew it but was too fragmented to put the pieces together. Here's the lesson:
I did too much today. We started with swimming and hot tub. I went down the water slide 3 times. Had the courage to do the slow climb despite my sorry-assed body because my daughter and I were the only people there this morning...not even a lifeguard! Then we went on the mountain roller coaster which was totally cool, but she was petrified so we didn't go as fast as I would have preferred to go. Oh well. Then we played 18 holes of miniature golf which was really fun. Then daughter was cold and tired (it is really cold here...people wearing ski jackets!) and she gave me her ticket thing for the rest of the activities. She went back to the room and I went to go on the trampoline/bungee jump thing. I really really wanted to go. I was pretty sure I could do it because you are harnessed in and the bungee cords provide support so that my legs (which are only semi-functional) wouldn't take all the pressure.
I had to wait in line for a long time with a lot of little kids and their "mummies" from our precious little school. Most of the kids here are little...pre-k through 6th grade or so; we are the only family representing my daughter's 8th grade class. Oh well. One of the "mummies" was very nice. The other ones were totally unfriendly and snobby. Some middle school mean girls never grow up. One of them actually rolled her eyes at her friend (clearly in response to my attempt to join into their conversation). Anyway, I went on the trampoline bungee thing! It was totally cool. I did six back flips. I think the 20-something guy got a kick out of this old kind of fat lady on canes asking to do the activity. I asked him if many adults had done this today. He laughed and said I was the only one. (WTF? Who would not want to do this??? It is so cool!!!)
Then my daughter and I went to the heated outdoor pool and sat in the hot tub again. There, I finally met a really nice, friendly woman about my age (even though she has a kindergardener!!!) who lives in my town and is a writer and clearly an intellectual and not a snob. Then all of a sudden, I told daughter I had to get back to our room NOW. I barely made the long walk. In excruciating pain and legs shaking etc.
That is when the realization hit me. I was trying to reassure my daughter and said, "I think my inner kids did a bit too much for this old grown-up body that has fibromyalgia." I was joking and she laughed and relaxed a little (it is very hard to be 14 and have a mother who can barely walk or talk much because she is so in pain). And I suddenly realized that I had spoken the truth.
It was one of my parts (a pre-adolescent boy part who is very adventurous and risky taking etc.) that kept me going today until my body gave out. This is really one of the rare times that he has been responsible for my collapse...I usually don't get to do such fun and active things anymore because my caretaker parts interfere and won't let me because then I will not be able to take care of people. But somehow today, he was in the driver's seat. And "we" were having a GREAT time until suddenly we weren't. The only thing that got me back to the room was not wanting to embarrass or worry my daughter.
I think the lesson I just learned is that I have these parts...but I only have this one body. And because some of the parts are way younger, in better shape, and more energetic than my 51-year old fibromyalgic and overweight body is...they can only keep having fun until the body gives out. Because they have to use the body. They don't have their own.
That sounds so weird. I will have to really think this one through. People who care about me keep telling me to slow down, and don't do this and don't do that, and be careful, etc. And sometimes I really appreciate it and know it is true, and other times I just say inside, "Well, screw that! I want to have fun." Like the roller skates. And all the fun stuff today.
I got hijacked by a part. Same part that had me climbing on icy rocks and getting stuck in a huge deep snowbank at the beach this past February. The same one that had me out in the car all that day and was pushing for me to leave home. (And...
@shimmerz , probably the one that had me go on the camping adventure!) This is a part I know. I think maybe I just didn't realize until today that he hijacks me sometimes for as long as my body will hold out. Because mostly what people see is just this kooky fun-loving lady who is channeling her "inner child" or whatever. Oh my, no. This is something very different. I am back in my self now. Well 1/2 self, 1/2 caretaker. It is the pain and exhaustion and the kind of extremity of what I did to day that has made me realize.
This is kind of big, I guess. Maybe it will help me manage my physical life a little better if I can remember the truth/reality of it. I hope so. Or maybe Yoda can do that direct access thing with some of these parts like he did with the big D on Friday. That was so weird and exhausting, but extremely helpful. The big D has stayed where he said he would, so that is very good. Of course the big T showed up to take over, but I am a bit more in communication with that part because we have been working on her for a long time, so I didn't DO anything. Just listened. Did not act on what she wanted. So that was good too.
So...just one more thing to do today. We go off for dinner with all the school families in 5 minutes. Then...YAY (
@shimmerz again...)...we go out to the HUGE firepit for s'mores and hot cocoa. Yay! Then it's all over for the day at 8. And I can get in bed and rest. Tomorrow...we go to a farm with a petting zoo and a couple of other cool places on our long drive home. Then I can crash into my bed and sleep until Yoda on Monday afternoon because daughter has no school. Yay.
Okay...here goes another power through. It's caretaker this time, but this one is familiar...everything is telling me to STOP...but got to get the kid and the body fed at least, and maybe I will be able to get a seat at the bonfire.
