Strange Urges

[Obsidienne]

I went through a period the same as Arcticboy, where it seemed like every living, breathing thing was a testament to all of the horrible things in the world and I'd want to lash out at them. Usually the impulses are self-limiting though.

According to a psychiatrist I was seeing, having these impulses turned around to other people was healthy for me. He says that learning to direct my anger towards other people and not myself was a sign of growth.

Now I no longer get the urges towards other people, but I still do get the urge to jump off buildings, or through windows when I'm in a situation or place that I feel trapped in.

Of course, sometimes they come up out of boredom as well. Keeping busy is another effective coping method.

 

[Deleted member 487]

Uh huh. Yeah I have some pretty odd urges.

 

[Hollow]

Urges...well. I don't know if I can call them urges, really. I hear voices, and they command me to do certain things, like cutting myself (which I haven't done in several months), violate others, smart-mouth people for annoying me (mostly strangers), be unfaithful to my husband, and worst of all, violate my child (I would never!).

I rarely give in to any of these "urges", some of them; never, but the shame I feel for even thinking about it...

 

[Arcticboy1970]

Yeah, there is a lot of shame involved in some of the thoughts, urges and stuff. So often they fly in the face of how I view myself. I know that it is the PTSD talking though, once I catch em. I remember the first time I told my wife about the different "thoughts/pushes" that I have, it scared the hell out of her. Then as time went on I would talk to her about things and how I combat them, still scares her, me too. I just have to have faith in myself that I won't give in and hurt someone. Or, should I say hurt someone again.

There were times when I was younger that I did give in to them. Like when I would go out and pick a fight with someone, or mug them. Did that a couple of times too. The scariest thing about doing those things and giving in to the urges and pushes was that they felt......good. Good isn't really the word though, it doesn't quite fit. It was more like feeling alive, in control, and both good and bad all at the same time. Then afterwards shame and self loathing would set in.

When I was in the army I could channel those feelings and urges and things. I was a good soldier, more than a little volatile though, there were many times when I would just lose it. This earned me quite a reputation, and more than a little jail time on occasion, the reputation was not a good one.

I remember being told by the base psychologist that I was too aggressive for the army. I was very close to being kicked out at that point. They wanted t obe able to hit the switch, point me in a direction, do the nasty things that I am good at, then hit the switch and turn me off and send me home to have a nice quiet dinner with the family. Once that switch was hit though it had to run its course for me, I had little control at that time. I remember that same psychologist told me that the regular world was not ready for me, that I was a wolf and people were sheep. Thanks partly to him though, I've muzzled that wolf.

The Dene people up here have a saying "Inside each man are two dogs, one good dog who listens to commands and does what is right, and bad dog that is mad all the time and bites and tears. One of those dogs is in control of a man all the time. The dog that is in control the most is the one you feed the most".

I try not to feed that dog, but it is hard, he's awfully hungry sometimes. Damn dog.

 

[void]

I respectfully disagree that such a desire could be normal or even common. I have had these feelings as well and believe that they are an expression of a deep wish to not feel pain.

The urge to jump off a high place like a bridge (or the feeling that one is going to jump) is normal. It's not related to PTSD or depression per se unless one is experiencing suicidal ideation and the desire to self-harm by jumping off the bridge.

 

[void]

Thanks Auburngirl for bringing this subject forward. I have similiar feelings as you and never acknowledged it until now. I know what my topic with my T will be this week.

I don't know why, when I am on a highrise balcony I feel like flinging myself over the railing. I am not looking to kill myself, not looking for attention and have never discussed my urges before now.

I can't answer your question today, but I will get back to you on this.

Well done on expressing these urges for the first time, Riggs!

 

[void]

Arcticboy, You are brave! Much, much respect for saying what some of us have also faced, the urge to cause harm to others. I find that often it is a flash of desire to cave someones face in and not an actual pre-meditation. I have never acted on these thoughts and they scare me as I have no "real" desire to add more suffering to this despicable existence for anyone. Do you at times feel the need for revenge? May peace replace your pain.

 

[Auburngirl]

thank you to everyone who has shared on this thread so far. It's helpful to know I'm not alone. My urges have always involved me (except for I know opening an airplane window would kill others) and always involve things that would either harm or kill me. Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting an urge the entire day. It's a weird mix of an incredibly strong urge to do something and a very real desire no to.

I don't really understand quite what provokes them and they disappear as suddenly as they come. I try to dissuade myself by focusing on the consequences (my most frequent is cutting my arms, so I pictures having to walk to the hospital, and wait, and explain, and get bandaged and not wanting to wear short sleeve shirts so people can't see the scars, etc.)

Has anyone managed to banish or conquer these thoughts?

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

Urges...well. I don't know if I can call them urges, really. I hear voices, and they command me to do certain things, like cutting myself (which I haven't done in several months), violate others, smart-mouth people for annoying me (mostly strangers), be unfaithful to my husband, and worst of all, violate my child (I would never!).

I rarely give in to any of these "urges", some of them; never, but the shame I feel for even thinking about it...

This sounds very close to schizophrenia. I'm not sure though because I hear PTSD mimics schizophrenia.

Do the voices come from outside of your head or are they inside of your mind? If they are coming from outside of your head then I would talk to the doctor about a diagnosis.

Take care
Tammy

 

[Arcticboy1970]

I have definitely not conquered them. They come less frequently where I live now. It is pretty isolated and I don't have to see alot of people. I am in a community of 800 people an hour and half by airplane away from anywehw big and yo ucan't drive here most of the year. Yep, pretty remote. But, I feel safer here. When I go south of 60 that is to southern Canada, they come frequently. As long as I prepare properly and have plans for when they come along things are pretty good. But come they will and they will be insidious. This I know.
Knowing is half the battle.

 

[Arcticboy1970]

Do you at times feel the need for revenge? May peace replace your pain.

Yep, big time, biblical proportions. For many years I firmly believed that it was a right to seek vengence. I even have a tattoo that reads "Nemo me impune lacessit", no one strikes me with impunity. Thanks for the prayer brother, I need all I can get.

 

[Hollow]

This sounds very close to schizophrenia. I'm not sure though because I hear PTSD mimics schizophrenia.

Do the voices come from outside of your head or are they inside of your mind? If they are coming from outside of your head then I would talk to the doctor about a diagnosis.

The voices come from inside my head.. Though, when I am psychotic, I see strange things and hear voices..more like singing actually, outside myself...

I have never been tested for schizophrenia, and I choose to believe that the ones diagnosing me, knew what they were doing...