Stressed About Attending Event...would Appreciate Advice.

[Loris]

A little bit of my history... I grew up in a very abusive home. When I went off to college, I cut ties with my family, and was thankful that as a strong,intelligent,independent young woman I had escaped relatively unscathed. In spite of feeling strong and capable, in college I was in a relationship that was dysfunctional...and we later married. (I know.I know.Hindsight…). In the years that followed he became controlling, then emotionally abusive, then physically abusive. The final months of the marriage were life threatening, he made it clear his goal was to kill me. After a very violent attack where I was indeed almost killed, I had him arrested...and I ended the marriage...wanting far more for myself and my children. That was 15 years ago.

It was shortly after the violent end to the marriage, that I began to experience challenges....insomnia, dreams/nightmares, distancing myself socially, fears regarding trusting people, generally feeling like I no longer fit into ”normal” society. With time (and after several other life traumas…serious illness, and death of a loved one), these challenges slowly increased ….until they were effecting my entire life. I sought help and was diagnosed with PTSD three years ago. I live with the challenges of PTSD every day.

In the time since that marriage, he has persuaded(in his insidiously controlling way) my two sons (now adults)to not talk to me(parental alienation). I have not seen nor talked to my sons in more than 5 years And, of course his family circled the wagons and do not talk to me. But my 18 year old daughter has always lived with me. For 15 years her father and I occasionally cross paths at school events, and his being there, combined with my social isolation issues, made it very difficult for me to attend some of her school events over the years…but 90% of the time, I have. For her. But I stay far from him. Even seeing him makes me nauseous, my heart pound, stress…..it is terrible. So, I avoid him, at all costs.

Here is my challenge…my daughter just graduated from high school. Her father is having a large family gathering/graduation party for her, at his house...and she is begging me to go to it. She says that after 15 years, she wants bygones to be bygones, and she wants both her parents in one place, for her graduation party. She is very well aware of how PTSD has affected me, and why….but she wants me there. I often shy away from social gatherings...let alone one at his house…with his family, my sons, there. Ever since my daughter told me about the party, and told me that she wants me there….I have been in an inner panic. It is two weeks away, and it has been making me lose sleep, anxious….fearful. This event….being there by myself… surrounded by his family and his friends……is nightmarish for me. I cannot imagine how I can go.

Yet, my daughter is begging me to be there, for her.

I need advice. Please.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Your daughter may see the outward expression of PTSD, but she will never understand what we go through....what you go through.

I see it this way......the party is about her, and if there is any chance of having an episode, I'd bow out graciously. (Based on what you said, there is most definitely a chance of you experiencing symptoms at the get together.) The day is about her and if you have a panic or anxiety episode at the party, it will put a damper on things and take the attention off of your daughter.

Is your daughter aware that your ex almost killed you? I've never been violently attacked like that, but if I had been, I know I'd never want to be around my attacker again. I'd feel like a total sell out, giving silent approval of him and his life, not to mention the fact that he's alienated your other two children.

I understand that you want to support your daughter, but your daughter is now an adult and she needs to accept that there is a huge divide between her parents. I don't see how pretending that everything is ok will help her move into the realm of reality.

 

[Loris]

Your daughter may see the outward expression of PTSD, but she will never understand what we go through....

Very true, itsKismet... unless someone has PTSD, understanding what it feels like and what we go through, is not fully possible. That is why I am here.

My daughter knows what happened, as do my sons. Like many who live in a domestic violence situations, I tried my best to not let those outside our four walls see what I was going through(I had a good career, people looked up to me….I felt shame that such things were my reality, at home….so,I hid it. Again, hindsight lets you see things more clearly, then, I could not.), but I could not always hide it from my children. And, even though she was very young, she knows. Plus, he is who he is, and she has seen how he treats me, given the opportunity, since. In spite of the violence towards me, the court gave us joint custody, with her living with me, so she has always spent a good amount of time, with him and his family. She loves him.

Your advice is good, my daughter is an adult now. This is not a child’s fairytale where all is forgiven, forgotten, and everyone lives happily ever after. I have the scars, both inside and out, as constant reminders of my reality.
This party is important to her,yes…I understand that, only too well. But, perhaps I need to learn from the past that I just spoke of, and never again sacrifice myself by holding up the false walls so it looks like a happy little fairytale party and family…just so no one can see into the pain of the past. Because I live with the consequences of that past, every day.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

If I was you, I would not go and make other arrangements for yourself and distract yourself on the day of the party. Is it possible that you have a good friend to be with on that day?

She is an adult and she is asking too much of you in my opinion.