Strong Si Thoughts- A Stupid Dramatic Post

[Muttly]

@lux. Thank you. Yes, I was given some of the same messages as a child. I guess they really stuck.

I was actually coming back here to reiterate what a fake I am. I guess because today hasn't been as bad as yesterday, it means yesterdays feelings weren't real? Except now you have me thinking. Recently my T asked me, if I'd say the same thing about positive feelings. If yesterday had been a good day, would I have said I was faking? No. I probably would have said I was lucky, but I would have accepted the feelings as real.

And I'm still not actually functioning well today. I was late too work (again!). I haven't managed to clean anything up and my house is not really sanitary right now (ugh, more shame). But somehow, since I'm not feeling in immediate danger of self-harm, a big part of my brain says all those issues are just laziness and I'm fine.

I see my therapist tomorrow. She canceled last week because another client was dying. I don't really want to see her. I know it will be bad if I don't but.. the joys of DID, I know if we see her, the others are going to bring up whatever is actually wrong (I legitimately don't know) and I don't want to deal with that. And yeah, I know that not dealing hasn't been working out so great either.

 

[Muttly]

I'm not starting a new thread, so I thought I would post here.

I had a nightmare. I guess I'm having body memories now. I hate myself. I keep thinking how easy it would be to kill myself. It's not an option but it's in my head. It's when the sui thoughts get bad that I think about SI. It's my boyfriends graduation today so I have to pull my shit together and be ok.

I am thinking of writing the dream down for my T but I'm afraid she will think I'm disguting. Logically... nothing I've ever told her has made her think that but I don't really understand that.

we are doing better than when we first made this post. yesterday was a good day. I guess maybe parts need to talk? or don't want us to be ok? I don't know. we have internal communication bak. One part keepssaying they want to be dead. they are pleading

I hate the body feels. hate hate hate

 

[ladee]

Yes..share the dream. The momentum is good. And you know the "digusting" thought are coming from you or a part.
You have been so brave !!
Keep on keepin' on
Hugs

 

[Muttly]

@ladee I don't understand why you are being so nice to me, but thank you

I didn't share the dream, but I did some art and emailed it to her. Otherwise I've accomplished nothing. I should get moving. I've got to do pet care. I should walk my dog. I should eat something. I need to shower and get dressed. I need to get unstuck

 

[ladee]

I am being nice because in part, that is who I am, but also because you deserve to be validated and encouraged..
You deserve to feel that you matter!