I am recognizing something. I wasn't sure what was happening. I do now. I woke up this morning and forced myself to walk and function. Then it came to me. It happened after I got dressed. Thank god for education and awareness.
This is a log of what is happening to me right now. I believe it is a 'part' in the making. As I push through it I notice I am having to walk differently in order to function. To think differently, I have an incredible urge to change my name YET AGAIN! I am wearing different clothes. I originally put on my shorts and then realized I had to change. I put on a skirt to try to attach to the 'work' part of me. I can see now how these parts get all jumbled up. I am attempting to pull in strength from different parts that already exist and what is missing (what is not obviously available to me) I am having to construction.
Construction of parts. I am not certain if I should be 'going with' this or whether I should be resolving it somehow differently. It is not obvious what 'differently' means at this point.
It started with a trigger. That was enforced by another trigger. Flashbacks again. Severe, vivid, take over the body kind of flashbacks. Flashbacks to a place and time I have not dealt with. And I haven't been able to function AT ALL for two days. In and out of sleep, attempting to keep my brain 'off of it' by taking courses, skyping with friends (text only as I cannot let them 'see me' somehow). Not friends tied to the 'event' but instead other friends. Ones that I can keep distant from the flashbacks. I didn't notice this until today. I am keeping well back from anyone who 'knows' about this part of my life.
I woke up this morning to flashbacks again. Three days in a row? I.don't.think.so! So off I go - to function. I start a bath, pet the cats etc. Flashbacks still strong. And then it happened. Something to do with my identity. Getting dressed. All.bad.
I attempted to walk down the stairs and started having different flashbacks. f*ck. Excuse my language. Not more! Then it came to me. My shorts are THIS personna. I needed out of this personna as there is too much pain there.
So I walk back upstairs and rummage through drawers. Nope, not these shorts, nope, not this top. And then I saw it. A skirt I haven't worn before. YES! I didn't know why at the time but YES! A skirt!
Wait a minute..... but then I can't work! Then it hit me. I cannot work. That is part of the problem. I absolutely cannot work. Not manually. I need to 'pretend' that I am 'going TO work' because that is a strong part of my personality (or used to be) and it is powerful. So on goes the skirt. Instant relief.
Then the name comes to me. 'New name, new name' keeps repeating in my head. Eureka! I know what is going on! I get it now (thanks to posts on this board regarding 'parts'). So my friends, by the end of the day I will either have established a 'new part' or I will have figured this out. Any thoughts on this? Anyone want to grab on and bite? I will continue to post throughout the day as things progress. I feel like this may be important to someone along the line.
This is a log of what is happening to me right now. I believe it is a 'part' in the making. As I push through it I notice I am having to walk differently in order to function. To think differently, I have an incredible urge to change my name YET AGAIN! I am wearing different clothes. I originally put on my shorts and then realized I had to change. I put on a skirt to try to attach to the 'work' part of me. I can see now how these parts get all jumbled up. I am attempting to pull in strength from different parts that already exist and what is missing (what is not obviously available to me) I am having to construction.
Construction of parts. I am not certain if I should be 'going with' this or whether I should be resolving it somehow differently. It is not obvious what 'differently' means at this point.
It started with a trigger. That was enforced by another trigger. Flashbacks again. Severe, vivid, take over the body kind of flashbacks. Flashbacks to a place and time I have not dealt with. And I haven't been able to function AT ALL for two days. In and out of sleep, attempting to keep my brain 'off of it' by taking courses, skyping with friends (text only as I cannot let them 'see me' somehow). Not friends tied to the 'event' but instead other friends. Ones that I can keep distant from the flashbacks. I didn't notice this until today. I am keeping well back from anyone who 'knows' about this part of my life.
I woke up this morning to flashbacks again. Three days in a row? I.don't.think.so! So off I go - to function. I start a bath, pet the cats etc. Flashbacks still strong. And then it happened. Something to do with my identity. Getting dressed. All.bad.
I attempted to walk down the stairs and started having different flashbacks. f*ck. Excuse my language. Not more! Then it came to me. My shorts are THIS personna. I needed out of this personna as there is too much pain there.
So I walk back upstairs and rummage through drawers. Nope, not these shorts, nope, not this top. And then I saw it. A skirt I haven't worn before. YES! I didn't know why at the time but YES! A skirt!
Wait a minute..... but then I can't work! Then it hit me. I cannot work. That is part of the problem. I absolutely cannot work. Not manually. I need to 'pretend' that I am 'going TO work' because that is a strong part of my personality (or used to be) and it is powerful. So on goes the skirt. Instant relief.
Then the name comes to me. 'New name, new name' keeps repeating in my head. Eureka! I know what is going on! I get it now (thanks to posts on this board regarding 'parts'). So my friends, by the end of the day I will either have established a 'new part' or I will have figured this out. Any thoughts on this? Anyone want to grab on and bite? I will continue to post throughout the day as things progress. I feel like this may be important to someone along the line.
