Structural Dissociation - Psychotic 'part'

[shimmerz]

Sometimes I crack myself up.

Sometimes? lol. Love that!

I like this better....

There is...just looked. Estes Park

ACK EP (Estes Park)

Because I personally ACK the shit out of my EP's.

Had another episode last night.....this is not looking good..... Not even clonazepam fixed this one.

 

[Hope4Now]

ACK EP (Estes Park)

Because I personally ACK the shit out of my EP's.

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Eleanor]

Had another episode last night

:(

((((((((((@shimmerz ))))))))

 

[scout86]

You guys are making "parts" jokes now? :banghead::banghead::banghead:

I was just thinking about something I blew off during my last therapy session and I wonder how it applies here..... He actually told me that EVERYTHING is something we make up..... Well, he said it was a lie and then we got into a debate about the definition of the word "lie". His point, I think, was that we can never actually know what "reality" is, if even IF it is. (Sounds more like philosophy than psychology to me, but it was that kind of day.) It started as a discussion about memories and whether or not they are "real" or "correct" or if we can ever actually know.

Anyway, if what we perceive to be "reality" is just a construct of our brains, maybe "psychosis" isn't actually possible because what ever you're in touch with IS "reality"?

On a more useful note, @shimmerz , have you any more thoughts on what these episodes are? Is there a pattern? Something in particular that sets them off? (Talking about "road trips"?)

 

[shimmerz]

There is a phrase that rings in my head. Comes back to it all the time. It didn't seem to apply the day I had my original 'meltdown' (I call that Black Friday), but after I was out of it, well, it kept ringing in my head. It is doing it again today too. I would say it applies to my life right now too.

Where do you go when there is no place to go.

There is a history to this phrase. I asked it one night to a crisis worker on a phone when I slept in the car on a really cold night. The ensuing hospitalization and lockdown were horrifying to me. It seems to encapsulate the feeling but the feeling doesn't seem to always make sense given the situation.

No idea if that makes sense to anyone else but me. I can see it tying back into my traumatized 2 year old self.

 

[scout86]

There is a saying very similar to that. "Home is where you go when there's no place else to go" or "where they have to take you in"? Or something like that.

I have my own saying, " 'Home' is where I park my truck." That was a conscious choice as a way to look at things, made in response to the feeling that I didn't actually BELONG anywhere. I decided, after thinking about it, that I was a citizen of the universe and would chose to feel at home where ever I happened to be. (Whether anyone else wanted me to or not! LOL)

There's an element of "performing without a net" that goes with this, because I acknowledge to myself that I don't expect anyone to bail me out of a bad situation, that I can only depend on myself. (I've been told that might not be the BEST way to look at things.)

But, you came from a background where all of this would make sense as an "issue". Does it ring any bells?

 

[Hope4Now]

You guys are making "parts" jokes now? :banghead::banghead::banghead:

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:
Now which part is feeling like she needs to bang her head against the brick wall, Scout?

Sorry. Couldn't resist. I have the sillies today.

 

[Hope4Now]

we can never actually know what "reality" is, if even IF it is. (Sounds more like philosophy than psychology to me, but it was that kind of day.) It started as a discussion about memories and whether or not they are "real" or "correct" or if we can ever actually know.

I like your therapist. He sounds like mine.
It's true, btw.
Some of the best therapy...especially for thinking folks...is a merger between philosophy and mindbody stuff. Because so much of philosophy relates to being and consciousness...and it's our consciousnesses we're trying to sort out and heal...

 

[Born to Run]

Where do you go when there is no place to go.

This. To me it is you being stuck in this now. Exactly. Perfect assessment. You are so clever, just the f*cking emotions should drop dead cold.
It is a vicious cycle, an infinite loop, and I believe you used the word 'looping' about yourself in your diary.

 

[Hope4Now]

"psychosis" isn't actually possible because what ever you're in touch with IS "reality"?

This is actually true.
Psychosis is a judgemental term imposed to "other" people by the dominant culture.
We often judge ourselves by this criteria. It's why I call myself crazy.
But I only feel crazy when I'm judging myself by others' criteria.

It's all this damned perspective and paradigm shifting.

Problem is if you think about it too much, you go down the rabbit hole.

 

[scout86]

We could wander WAY far afield here. LOL Personally, I believe there IS some sort of objective reality that exists apart from our perception of it. My quest is to get ever closer to what ever it is that IS. (But then, how would I know??????)

I like your therapist.

Me too! I'm sure some people find him annoying and I'm equally sure he enjoys that.

@shimmerz the answer to the question "where do you go when you have nowhere to go?" is ANY PLACE YOU WANT TO! :ninja:

 

[shimmerz]

ANY PLACE YOU WANT TO!

This is so rational and sane. I like that about you Scout. Somehow I get that mixed up with 'anywhere that people don't have to stand me'. I know it is a script. A very dangerous one, a very self destructive one, and an old one. Although not that old....as when I do go 'down the rabbit hole' as Hope so eloquently puts it, it frightens people. And frightened people lash out. And then I have nowhere to go.

Born is correct, it feels exactly like this.....

It is a vicious cycle, an infinite loop

Yes. It is. And I can't for the life of me stop it. I have stopped so many other things. Not this one. And I seem to be falling deeper and deeper in. I can't believe that there is a place for me. And that has recent fact behind it as well as historical fact.

The thing I just can't help but to be awed and amazed about is that I reacted like this LONG before I knew my past. This is deep and it is cellular. And I can't f*cking kick it. :banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:

I want to slit my wrists. I won't. But I want to.