Struggling, Abusive Family Still Out There, Alone

[xraydave]

I have a narcissistic father, who had gone to my university received awards and travelled around the world because he is "intelligent". My mother is a codependent.

He used to hit my mum growing up, and just let me and my brother and sister watch this whole thing unfold. He did the same thing growing up multiple times, and only when I was big enough did and had the courage to intervene did that stuff stop.

I suffer from PTSD, and have autistic features, so mind me if i am not communicating clearly at all times. It comes with the condition.

I had a thought process which used to be good, and worked well like therapy for me. Now I don't have that, i have friends who have over time lost interest in me, and don't know what to do.

Now I realize that actually, the loss of interest in my friends, was all along due to a thought cycle in my head, about them hurting me the same way that my parents would. I still don't know what to do, but the problem remains.

I just want someone to relate to . I can't be alone forever.

 

[Friday]

Now I realize that actually, the loss of interest in my friends, was all along due to a thought cycle in my head, about them hurting me the same way that my parents would. I still don't know what to do, but the problem remains.

Just to clarify, I'm reading that you realize instead of friends naturally drifting away due to schedules, diverging interests, & whatnot... You've been actively pushing them away? Or treating them like they're abusers, so they're leaving? Is that right?

I had a thought process which used to be good, and worked well like therapy for me. Now I don't have that, i have friends who have over time lost interest in me, and don't know what to do.

How come? Or perhaps, what about the old thought process worked that you could bring into your life now, or what is needed now that you don't have that? Or is this the same unhealthy thought process you're mentioning in the above paragraph?

 

[xraydave]

Just to clarify, I'm reading that you realize instead of friends naturally drifting away due to schedule...

No, yes, that is exactly right. I am actively pushing away the people closest to me, on the basis that theyre like my abusers.

It is very difficult to talk to someone when it is a matter that is so personal , and so many boundaries can be crossed . especially when we are from different cultures, which i imagine, you're from the US, so some intentions don't come through from your end too easily i dont think and I'm Australian.

plus i am on the spectrum , so it's difficult to communicate here and there.
maybe i should go talk to some aspies, because now i realize that this is more of a social skills thing as well.


In my old thought process, I was able to integrate myself consistently and routinely* into the world around me, so I was able to see my own self reflected within it. I could go out there and proverbially, 'take what is mine'. When it came to experiences at least. But now i cannot do that, because i don't see the purpose of being so gluttonous.

Australian society is very gluttonous (i.e. binge drinking over here, every weekend), I'm not sure how it is over there but that's how it is over here.

 

[Sideways]

Australian society is very gluttonous (i.e. binge drinking over here, every weekend),

Hey, just wanted to say, I think I remember you said you were studying? If that's right, then I can totally understand the uni culture having a profound impact on you, your sense of self, and your sense of yourself in the world.

It's well over a decade since I lived on campus, and watching the uni-subculture over that time - I actually find it really frightening how bad it is now. Hopefully it's one of those things that will pass as students move into work and having families. But being immersed in a student body that starts drinking at lunchtime 5 days a week and keeps skolling the vodka & red bulls till 3am...I find that scary. So I totally see where you're coming from if that's causing issues.

 

[Ronin]

about them hurting me the same way that my parents would.

They are not your parents though... so by definition it will not be the -same- way.

So you can perhaps focus on all they are different from your parents in, for a start, come to experience based conclusion they are a different type of people altogether, and reconnect after?

 

[xraydave]

They are not your parents though... so by definition it will not be the -same- way.

So you can perhaps f...

Actually you are right, but now i realized something with my amazing mind over here lol . It's not actually that I was different from my parents that I needed to realize but how they were exactly the same as me, they are just kids. Not authorities, for some reason, like me. I only really realized this through a further reading into the Stanford Prison Experiment. That helped a lot.

You are completely right to help me out, I very much appreciate it. But I think , one of my problems, is that i have been abused so much and bullied (for spectrum issues, in school, out in society and in my family), that now I feel so different from others, everything is judged by 'that is not me'.

So saying they are different from me, is both helpful and the issue itself . I see where you are coming from though, Thank you.

 

[Ronin]

now I feel so different from others

Different is good though... it can be alienating, but it can also be free from dictate of expectations, and setting own path, by yourself.