Struggling With Sexual Transferance

[FauxLiz]

I have been with my T for nearly two years and see him twice a week. He has been an amazing T to an extent that I never thought I would find or trust anyone the way I do him. He is not my first T I have had several others and ended a three year relationship with my previous T before I started seeing him because I relocated 800 miles away.

The problem is that I have found myself recently beginning to think of my T in a sexual context. He has never acted inappropriately and I have not said anything about this too him but I don't know how to deal with it. My trauma history includes incest/molestation, multiple rapes and a verbally, emotionally and sexually abusive marriage so to say that I have zero experience with health sexual relationships is an understatement.

My question here is has anyone else had this type of experience and how did you address/deal with it so that it didn't ruin the therapeutic relationship? I don't want to have to start over with a new T but the thoughts and dreams I am having are embarrassing and distracting.

 

[EveHarrington]

Is it transference or is it just a crush? Can you explain more how it's transference? I am under the assumption that transference is a transferring of feelings from one person to another when they don't actually "belong" to the second person. I don't see that as what's happening here. I have had transference issues before which is why I'm selective about what therapists I choose.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

The problem is that I have found myself recently beginning to think of my T in a sexual context.

Per my therapist, that's very common in child sexual abuse victims. I do this at night a lot to help me feel safe (i think of my therapist which makes me feel safe, it turns sexual on its own) and he knows about it and also i think of him that way in sessions sometimes. Im now able to tell him but back a few years ago he had to pull it out of me.

Id discuss it with your therapist. Dont be embarrased, they are therapists and im sure have had this happen many of times.

My therapist has me naming stuff. "Im thinking of this because ____"

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Recognizing and Managing Erotic and Eroticized Transferences

Or google "sexual transference in therapy".

ETA: Link Removed

 

[Justmehere]

Erotic transference happens. It happened for me once. It was a confusing thing to sort out.

Therapy is a place where people are unconditionally accepted, known, and cared about without all the usual complications of a two way relationship. Therapists listen and in the case of trauma survivors, often provide things we never had but desperately needed in the past.

It makes sense to feel a kind of attraction and even "love" or desire to merge with someone who is providing long needed acceptance and understanding.

It might feel like the transference is actually about the therapist, but it's really about getting that unmet need for acceptance and etc met.

Transference - both negative or positive transference - even sexual transference - isn't a deal breaker for good therapists. Good trauma therapists actually expect negative and positive transference, and yes, even sexual transference, to happen at times. You are not the first or the last person who has experienced this with your therapist.

An important step in handling it is to tell the therapist. You don't have to go into all the details if that feels like too much, or even admit it's sexual, but even mentioning, hey, I think I have positive transference about our relationship - this will help your therapist and you navigate it in a positive way.

 

[FauxLiz]

@EveHarrington I wouldn't call it a crush because I don't have feelings for him is the best way I can explain it. I don't see him as some one I find attractive now or in the past which is part of why I chose him. However we have been doing a lot of work on setting boundaries in physical relationships as well as not seeking dangerous or risky sexual situations as a type of self harm and have recently revealed ways that I sexually self abuse and we are working on developing other coping methods and it is only since that time this has started. I see it as transference as I am transferring to him the thoughts that I would have otherwise acted out in an unsafe manner

 

[EveHarrington]

Shrugs.

Anymore it seems like any feeling that is not neutral is termed as "transference" in therapy because that's the therapeutic hot term of today. Transference happens in every relationship if you think about it as we don't live in vacuums and every relationship is somehow influenced by all of our past relationships. The only time transference is an "issue" is in therapy------anywhere else and it's just a normal part of life. I honestly think this is a manufacturered therapeutic concept made to give clients more issues than they actually have.

But hey, maybe this is just me. :-/

And I just looked up the definition of transference and it is indeed from one person to another and if these aren't feelings that you are feeling toward your therapist that are meant for someone else, it's not transference. Hence the "it" issue of the day. I say this as its not good to call issues by the wrong name as it doesn't help fix the issue, rather it hinders healing.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I see it as transference

It is transference. Erotic transference though most therapists refer to it simply by transference.

but even mentioning, hey, I think I have positive transference about our relationship

I told my therapist "im having sexual thoughts about you but not meaning to" as it was intrustive thoughts.

But i do agree, it is important to tell the therapist.

 

[Justmehere]

I have been working on anger with my therapist and how to handle it better and in the middle of it, I have completely transferred those angry feelings to my therapist. I'll just tell her, well I'm not feeling this outside your office but I feel super angry at you.

She expects it and thanks me for telling her. She says it's a good sign of progress. It feels massively confusing to me, because like you, I know it's transference... but somehow, verbalizing it makes it less potent. She says it's a sign of progress that I feel ok enough to have a wide variety of feelings about her, and it's all part of the work of therapy itself.

Transference happens in every relationship if you think about it as we don't live in vacuums and every relationship is somehow influenced by all of our past relationships. The only time transference is an "issue" is in therapy------anywhere else and it's just a normal part of life. I honestly think this is a manufacturered therapeutic concept made to give clients more issues than they actually have.

I really agree with this! There are some therapists who see transference as like something horrible and destructive, or something that is a sign of something wrong with the client. It's not any of those things. At all. Therapists have transference of their own! All the time. Inside and outside of therapy.

It's really common in almost all relationships. It's just how the brain and relationships work. It can become destructive in therapy or relationships inside and outside of therapy if it causes people to act out in ways that are not healthy and no one has any awareness of what is happening.

For example, I tend to feel negative transference with older men, especially ones who are kind to me. I have a colleague who is an older man who has offered to help me in some professional and appropriate ways. I tend to feel negatively towards him in a way that doesn't really fit him or how he treats me. I'm transferring my unresolved feelings about an abusive family member onto him. If I am not aware of it, I would treat him like he actually is an abusive family, when he isn't. But because I'm aware of it, I'm able to have a better response to him, get to know him as him, and keep my feelings about my family member more appropriately associated with just the family member.

But everyone, even those without PTSD, experiences transference to some degree. It's not a sign of something clinically wrong like some make it out to be. It's just how people are.

Transference is usually made out to be a much bigger deal than it usually actually is by uninformed therapists. In the US, they are actually not often taught much about transference in grad school, and it gets a bad rap because it's not well understood by some. But good solid therapists familiar with trauma totally get it and usually expect it to happen.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

When i first came into therapy my therapist had to peel me off of him. Then id get massively angry, hateful, and even things like "i hope you die" (and feel horrible afterwards that my therapist had to help with).

It is common and it is sad that its not handled correctly by many therapists.

Today, i can verbalize how im feeling towards him and we talk like friends. Its quite nice to have that in my life right now!

I expect it will be like that until i learn how to make friends in the real world.

 

[FauxLiz]

@EveHarrington I am not saying that transference doesn't occur outside of therapy in normal situations and relationships. I know it does and I know when I do it. My issue is that I haven't experienced this type of transference with this T while I have been seeing him. I had really hoped to avoid it as well because I am aware of the damage I have done in the past to personal and professional relationships when I have allowed myself to act on sexual transference issues and I don't want to damage the therapeutic relationship we have by doing that and was hoping for advice on the best way to handle/address this without the recommendation being to end the relationship.

 

[Gs172003]

Shrugs.

Anymore it seems like any feeling that is not neutral is termed as "transference" in the...

I've never heard of it until now. What is it?