Born to Run
Platinum Member
First I would like to say that I really feel very sorry for your situation. I was relieved end of March, when you could pack and go to that inpatient clinic. You come back and now this. I find it unbelievable and devastating.
I agree with joeylittle's first suggestion, and I also wonder if you do not want to know why your now previous therapist ended therapy with you? As you write you are still baffled and so am I. With tears in her eyes she ended it, but I don't get it. She knew your complete history and how is it possible to devastate someone by taking them out on one of their most vulnerable issues; the attachment.
I also believe in the transference reaction hypothesis by joeylittle, and that is why I find it so difficult to understand your therapist. You have not done anything to deserve this treatment; you have not thrown bricks into her office, which could have physically endangered her, which may be a logical reason to end therapy with a patient. You only said no with a high load of emotion. She should have understood that you were so totally confused that you were saying no to a previous abuser. In fact, you should have been applauded for saying no, as most of us have had to learn to say no in therapy. Imho she owes you an explanation.
I had a similar incident with my therapist in the very early stages of therapy and he did not know me very well yet. I threw a box of those Kleenex tissues on the floor in his direction out of pure frustration about myself. To me a totally harmless action. He then asked me to leave. I totally did not understand, but could see he was really afraid. It was all very unprofessional how I was escorted out. It was on a Friday and next appointment was on Monday. I showed up, and after the scheduled time he noticed me in the waiting room. He came in and said, oh I have cancelled all your appointments as I thought you would not come back. Well, it was clear he did not know me then, and I said of course I come back as this is therapy, and we do weird things, but I never meant to harm you. I want to continue our work. He still seemed afraid of me, and I felt it was not likely to be all due to me, but to his personal issues as well. So, then I almost had to pitch myself to continue working with him, as I had sensed his qualities too.
After a few days we had a complete session on what happened and he came very clean about himself, and said that from his own perspective he would never have gone back to someone who had thrown him out like that, and was totally surprised I did. He said he was afraid and had never encountered something like this, never been afraid of a patient, did not know how to handle it. Cultural issues played a role, as Dutch vs Swiss people have their differences in attitude toward doctors/therapists, so he was not used to my attitude. My attachment issues were involved in that I was used to be told by my mother so often 'I never ever want to see you again' that his throwing me out was like 'normal' for me, which I must have instigated in him to repeat. Going back after was also 'normal' for me, as you have no choice with a borderline parent. So, in here were also a lot of dynamics from both sides. I am so grateful I stayed as this is the therapist that has saved my life; the best guy ever in his work, but also as a human being.
Just to illustrate for you how transference/countertransference can really mess up therapy, but can be untangled if both sides are open to it.
Take care so much.
I agree with joeylittle's first suggestion, and I also wonder if you do not want to know why your now previous therapist ended therapy with you? As you write you are still baffled and so am I. With tears in her eyes she ended it, but I don't get it. She knew your complete history and how is it possible to devastate someone by taking them out on one of their most vulnerable issues; the attachment.
I also believe in the transference reaction hypothesis by joeylittle, and that is why I find it so difficult to understand your therapist. You have not done anything to deserve this treatment; you have not thrown bricks into her office, which could have physically endangered her, which may be a logical reason to end therapy with a patient. You only said no with a high load of emotion. She should have understood that you were so totally confused that you were saying no to a previous abuser. In fact, you should have been applauded for saying no, as most of us have had to learn to say no in therapy. Imho she owes you an explanation.
I had a similar incident with my therapist in the very early stages of therapy and he did not know me very well yet. I threw a box of those Kleenex tissues on the floor in his direction out of pure frustration about myself. To me a totally harmless action. He then asked me to leave. I totally did not understand, but could see he was really afraid. It was all very unprofessional how I was escorted out. It was on a Friday and next appointment was on Monday. I showed up, and after the scheduled time he noticed me in the waiting room. He came in and said, oh I have cancelled all your appointments as I thought you would not come back. Well, it was clear he did not know me then, and I said of course I come back as this is therapy, and we do weird things, but I never meant to harm you. I want to continue our work. He still seemed afraid of me, and I felt it was not likely to be all due to me, but to his personal issues as well. So, then I almost had to pitch myself to continue working with him, as I had sensed his qualities too.
After a few days we had a complete session on what happened and he came very clean about himself, and said that from his own perspective he would never have gone back to someone who had thrown him out like that, and was totally surprised I did. He said he was afraid and had never encountered something like this, never been afraid of a patient, did not know how to handle it. Cultural issues played a role, as Dutch vs Swiss people have their differences in attitude toward doctors/therapists, so he was not used to my attitude. My attachment issues were involved in that I was used to be told by my mother so often 'I never ever want to see you again' that his throwing me out was like 'normal' for me, which I must have instigated in him to repeat. Going back after was also 'normal' for me, as you have no choice with a borderline parent. So, in here were also a lot of dynamics from both sides. I am so grateful I stayed as this is the therapist that has saved my life; the best guy ever in his work, but also as a human being.
Just to illustrate for you how transference/countertransference can really mess up therapy, but can be untangled if both sides are open to it.
Take care so much.
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