Struggling with this again

[Ellabella44]

My emotions are such a mess. When I get depressed its way down at the almost lost the will to live level. Then another week or so later I'm angry all the time and go off easily and want to smash everything that is keeping me here, push everyone and everything away. Scream at them why do you even want me when I feel unstable and unsafe to be around. Just go the f*ck away I'm not worth your time, love , acceptance. For f*ck sake just let me go.

Then I get self destructive. Want to get drunk to "make it all better" or harm myself. Then ending all of this mess in my head seems attractive. And I'm weaker against the urge when I'm drunk. And I know how serious I've been about it because every time I've been feeling like ending it in the past a hearse would drive by me. Its been years since its happened. And I saw one a few days ago on my way to therapist. I feel like everything that is there as a safety net for me is actually tying me down tight and I'm struggling against it.

 

[Friday]

Yep. That’s a pretty predictable pattern in my own life.

Anger kills despair... but the anger is out of control, so needs to be reined in, and if I’m not careful how I do that? The despair floods back in through the gaps... which leaves me with a volatile mess of both.

It’s one of those... how dysreg leads to suicide &/or destroyed lives. Depending on which part is spiking the loudest/hardest. Luckily? It’s happened often enough for me I can uuuuuuuusually ignore the more dramatic aspects, to rein in/direct the effects. Like I might be suicidal as f*ck, or kissing the firestorm, but I can retain enough recollection to protect a few key areas of my life, until I can bring things back to stable.

 

[The Albatross]

Sending warm wishes Ellabella. When you get a bit of levity turn it around at first opportunity... and try to guide the slide without a big down cycle, k?

 

[runswithwolves]

I just found a way to see a doctor within a week and get diagnosed and meds to your door. I have dealt with similar emotions and its good to know to new options available. Going in to see a doctor when you feel to sick the go is such a road block to many survivors. I don't want to advertise where I went online to virtually see a doctor and get a therapist for under 120$ a month but I can tell you theres options now and if you did research you might find a program online that works for you. I would recomend researching the company you choose to work with by looking at their reviews and certification. I hope you get on a stable track again soon. and if you ever want to talk you can message me, I have bad trust issues and push people away but try to make connections online with understanding people can help better prepare when your ready to interact with humans in real life.

 

[Ellabella44]

I have therapist and meds @runswithwolves and have for years. Things have come back to bring me so far down its hard seeing up.

Have been doing somewhat better past two days. I've gone up on a med that I hope helps with the symptoms I'm having. It sucks that a few days ago I felt like ripping things apart. Having the regret and the I almost f*cked everything up feeling.

Therapist today. She wanted me to sit with my anger and express it journaling since I've been in the habit previously.

In aa they want people to admit their lives with alcohol are unmanageable. I have ptsd, bipolar and alcoholism, I'm one of the poster children for unmanageable don't have to ask me twice to get me to admit it. Getting this far down drives that point home.

 

[Ronin]

I'm not that sure about unmanageable... hard to manage, full of rough spots, maybe.

But trying to manage this hard, that's solid and counting work.

Not a show one doesn't manage with anything.

 

[runswithwolves]

I have therapist and meds @runswithwolves and have for years. Things have come back to bring me so far down its hard seeing up.

Have been doing somewhat better past two days. I've gone up on a med that I hope helps with the symptoms I'm having. It sucks that a few days ago I felt like ripping things apart. Having the regret and the I almost f*cked everything up feeling.

Therapist today. She wanted me to sit with my anger and express it journaling since I've been in the habit previously.

In aa they want people to admit their lives with alcohol are unmanageable. I have ptsd, bipolar and alcoholism, I'm one of the poster children for unmanageable don't have to ask me twice to get me to admit it. Getting this far down drives that point home.

I am happy you shared, it is a challenge many struggle with and have trouble understanding