Struggling With Triggers

[SeekingAfrica]

I was under high stress for few months, and I kinda ..."rewinded" a bit- like I was having success in leaving my past behind, and being more social, and more present at work, and better friend etc...and then I was under that high stress and it all came crashing back on me...and suddenly I felt more need to take care of myself, to be on my own, to sleep more,...I just went backwards on a lot of the progress I had made.
And now I'm all "wired" again, like when I was having flashbacks more- I'm anxious, sleep worse, get triggered a lot, have flashbacks and panic attacks regularly. I'm doing the best I can to get better, but...
I get a bit better, and then something happens. Something is more stressful, something is a reminder...
and even if I don't get flashback, I feel like I retreat in myself. Like all the things I have to do that seemed so important a moment ago fade, and I just feel like I'm in haze and everything is detached. With the exception of the memories, which come to me in waves, and just settle in me somehow. Like even if I'm not vividly experiencing them, I feel far from the present, and I constantly think of them. And everything I was worried about starts to feel dulled. May be that's protection reaction, like a coping thing, but I really don't like it. It makes me lose a lot of time dwelling., like may be there's something I can extract from those memories that can protect me. And then I start to do all the coping unhealthy things I used to do(like watching to be able to fall asleep, and watching or reading through every meal that I have alone). Like I can't allow one moment to really TRULLY remember how painful it all was, because I won't know how to get through that.
Currently I have some things I must do during this weekend, and I was debating doing them today or tomorrow(and I have classes in the weekend so limited time for extra things). I had a good, really good day, so even tired, I was set to do those things...and then something set me off, a reminder of what happened, and suddenly, I'm frozen. Unable to make my brain work enough to do anything useful, or even entertaining. I just feel far from things, detached, and I can't stop staring at the computer, and I can't stop reading other threads, because it's like something that keeps me okay...like if I stop and try to do something, anything else...it's like I can't make my brain make sense of anything, or my body to move. Like if I stop for a moment I'll be in pain. Like somewhere far I know that if I relax the memory will reach me...but it's here anyway, it's like I'm frozen in that sadness and pain that I had than. Like I never moved away from it. It's giving me stomachache and headache. But I'm more afraid that I'll wake this way in the morning and I won't be able to do my day properly. I've had too many bad moments in the last weeks and today was so good. I need it to last, and I really thought it would last longer. Sorry for the rant. I just wish anyone knew something that could help me snap out of this sooner. When I feel like this it can take days to snap out of it, and I end up with too much unfinished work and things to catch up on. Sorry. If anyone has any advice, please help!

 

[Jnean]

well I feel it too. I can hardly stop thinking about it even doing things I enjoy. Right now I am literally forcing myself to be present, to engage in conversation and know what the other person is talking about, to walk my dogs or just go for a walk in public listening to something that hopefully doesn't trigger me like a book on audible or music that grounds me and takes me to my safe place in my thoughts even tho I am around people, I watch some tv but I can't binge watch anymore since it takes me too far away, I have to be busy at my job, I talk to others briefly about what's going on with me but I can't talk too much for fear of triggering myself and I see a therapist every week, I also have to spend a little time on this forum, I have to get up everyday even if it's my day off, I have pets that get me out of bed to feed them, I also have two kids that haven't left home yet that I still like to take care of with some things when they are home, I fold laundry, I have to tell whomever is around me if I am feeling stressed and can feel triggered from the stress that I need to ground myself and I use the 5,4,3,2,1 and use all the senses and find 5 smells in present, 4 things in front of me in present, 3 things I hear in present, etc...in what ever order. I also name pink Floyd albums. That's what I do. It's tough but once I had a black out I can't allow myself to not be in present anymore as much as I can anyway. Thanks for posting. Hugs if you accept.

 

[Friday]

You're gonna hate this... Lower your stress levels.

Because you nailed it : Increased stress = Increased symptoms.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Thank you @Jnean! I fought with myself to go to bed just with audio book rather than watching, and I feel that was helpful. Still, I have lost already some time this week and I'm so behind, it makes me feel like I don't really want to be present. I'm tryng though. Thank you for sharing all those things, I will see if I can use any of it. I also have my own ways, but right at this moment, obviously, they are in need of upgrade my methods.

You're gonna hate this... Lower your stress levels.

That's true: I don't like hearing it. Good advice, and on point, but...
Not that it doesn't make sense, but...but with PTSD, it's a catch 22. I have anxiety, so some things that are supposed to not be stressful seem stressful and things that already are, are double that. I'm at an age where I am building my future, so there is a lot of changes to happen, and that is something I love...but now that's stressful. But in either case, my life right now...because of things that happened...it's like I lost a lot of time. And to make up for it, there are a lot of changes that has to happen, for me to be at one level with others, to be a proper adult and take care of my responsibilities in my life. And that is stressful for me, making those changes, but ultimately they will make my life better. I can't always depepnd that my life won't be stressful, how often does that happen? I can't be this triggered every time when it is. I have to be able to deal with stress.

 

[Friday]

I can't always depepnd that my life won't be stressful, how often does that happen?

LOL. Never. As there's both good stress & bad stress, and good stress reacts the exact same way as bad stress in bringing on symptoms. Which is why people melt down over weddings, birthdays, & other "happy/exciting" events just as with "irritating/exhausting" events. The very classic "I should be happy!" <gasping sob>

You'll note I said lower... Not remove.

Lowering stress can make things take longer (like by getting 6 things done in a day instead of 9, taking breaks in between to recharge, or 2 classes a quarter instead of 3), or can take up time during the day (like adding an hour of exercise during the day to be burning off stress / venting, or an hour of meditation to clear your mind)

.... But taking longer? Takes infinitely less time than getting absolutely nothing done because meltdown/anxiety-attacks/no-sleep/flashback/isolation/shut down/etc.. Whether that's losing a day to symptoms, because we overdid it the day before...or weeks/months/years to symptoms because everything spun out of control, and just kept snowballing.

Lowering stress also doesn't necessarily look all zen. If that's you? Awesome! If your idea of relaxing, otoh, is racing motorcycles? Also awesome! But whether your idea of blowing off steam is "quiet" or "loud"? That steam still needs to be blown off. Stress managed. When you think lowering stress? Think "self care". Pacing yourself & blowing off steam, but also managing your life to not create extra stress that may not "feel" like stress to us, but are still stressful for our bodies (not eating enough, not sleeping enough, being in pain, etc.).

Normal people / people without PTSD have to manage their stress levels, too. The difference between normal people and people with PTSD is two-fold: 1) they don't pay as hard as we do if they over do it (no reliving the worst times of their lives in flashbacks, crippled by anxiety attacks, nightmares & insomnia, etc,). They "just" feel bad. For a little while. And then they feel better. . PTSD? We feel bad, then we feel worse. Then worse. And worse. And worse. & 2) It takes years and years for stress-related diseases (like heart disease) & physical problems to catch up with them from not taking care of themselves, meanwhile we feel the effects almost immediately.

One way to think of the above is like a diabetic vs a normal person (someone without diabetes). A normal person can eat badly, and it they might gain a few pounds, but it will take years to kill them. If a diabetic eats badly? They have instant health problems, and it will very quickly kill them.

A diabetic "has" to eat healthy, exercise, and monitor their insulin/blood glucose.
A PTSD'er "has" to eat (period), exercise, and monitor their stress levels.

Diabetes is a very manageable disease. But it does have to be managed.
PTSD is a very manageable disorder. But it does have to be managed.

When you say "deal with stress"? You're on the money. You DO need to learn to deal with stress. By managing it. Not ignoring it.

If it helps? Every time you think you should just be able to deal with stress (like a normal person), by ignoring it? Think of the diabetic who should just be able to deal with sugar (like a normal person), by ignoring it. Doesn't make sense, does it? They can't eat cake just because other people can eat cake, so they "should" be able to, too, right? They can't wish their blood sugar different. How other people's blood sugar works doesn't matter. They have to mind their own. They actually have to monitor and take action. Just like us.

Yes. Both managing diabetes & PTSD are extra work that normal people don't have to do. Shrug.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@FridayJones Thank you so much! That was so well put, especially with the comparison to diabetics. And it was also extremely helpful, with many ideas that can come out of what you wrote. There is a lot of advice that we get, when dealing with PTSD(as with anything else), and there are so many times when that advice, while being spot on, is also very hard to deal with, very unpleasant.
I found your advice very well put and soothing. I so often get caught up on things I "should" be doing like normal people. A lot of the time the whole scope of what I want to achieve by getting healthier was to leave all PTSD things in the past and get to a point when I'm like "normal" people. Especially in handling life's challeneges...It hasn't occured to me that may be I should stop comparing my life to what I think it should be, and rather deal with life through the scope of who I am with PTSD. I always treat it as if...I don't know...my life is on hold, or not completely full, until PTSD is all behind me, that I can't have certain things until then...but may be I am looking at it the wrong way, and I should see what I can do with who I am, right at this moment.
Also your ideas about stress management all seem very good, I'll try to put them in action. Thanks again!