Stuck In The Hourglass

[JadedGhost13]

With an hourglass you have to keep turning it over when the sand runs out to make the sand move again. With me I feel like someone else is in control and keeps turning the hour glass over so that the same thing happens again and again. The glass is too thick for me to break no matter how hard I try.

There are a lot of feelings or symptoms as some would call them that I live with on a regular basis, most of all seclusion. I have secluded myself for a long time. I cannot determine how long I have been secluding, I believe it has been a couple of decades by now. Pinpointing where it began is not something I have been able to determine as of yet. Recently the seclusion has changed somewhat, where I used to be 100% ok with being alone and actually preferred to be alone, I now long for someone to be present. Not so much for constant interaction, but more just to know that someone is on the premises with me because recently I have been having startle responses again and then fear and panic set in and I end up putting myself into a small space, one example would be the utility room. I can be in there or hours, crouched down in the dark. I KNOW that is not "Normal"

I myself tend to avoid "Real" contact with others. I prefer to text, email, instant message, or use social media as my way to communicate with other people. It is impersonal and I can choose when to respond and when not to respond. Which brings me to another symptom that I have, I do not leave my home often. Now this is not the first time I have fallen into this rut, back in 2004 I believe it was, I trapped myself in my home and what others did not bring to me, and what could not be had by mail order, I just lived without. I currently am not THAT BAD, however I do have to fight the urge to slip back into that place again. I currently leave my home 2 times a week, and do so begrudgingly.

I have found one thing that I use to help myself get out of the house, I have learned the art of couponing. So I spend some of my week cutting the coupons and organizing them into a binder. Then when the sales ads come out I match the sale ads with the coupons that I have. Then after I have done that... I am forced to get out of my house in order to take advantage of those deals which sometimes save me up to 80% off. I HAVE to have things like this to distract me and keep me active. Over all the years of suffering I have taught myself tricks like this to keep me going. Do they always work? No.. But when they do, it is good.

So that is a little about what I go through, I am not ready to discuss what my multiple traumas are, maybe someday. But for now maybe if I can get what I am feeling out and in writing perhaps I will start to feel somewhat better. It has been a long since I have written, it used to somewhat help before, and I hope that it helps me again.

 

[JadedGhost13]

How I see religion and lies....

Religion... Religion was forced upon me in my younger years, people who professed to be religious have caused me great grief. Most who are in he Christian communities are always saying things like "God wont put more on you than you can take" or "Put it in Gods hands, he knows what's best" or "Turn it all over to God" They claim that their God is giving, that he is good and we are supposed to be good Christians. If you question one of these people why "GOD" would allow certain things to happen they blame it on man. Doesn't make sense to me.

That being said, I respect anyone who has a belief in God, or any other religion or higher being. It is within a persons right to believe in what it is that they believe. I never judge nor question.

What I do believe in is positive energy. When someone is asking for prayers, I relate that request to positive energy and to keep people from pushing their belief system on me I just agree to their request. No explanation needed! That's how I see it anyway, this saves a debate I really do not want to have because that would mean having more interaction with a person or persons and I really may not be in the mood for a debate.

Lies... Lies (other people telling lies) played a big part in some of the trauma that I have experienced. Because of lies causing me trauma I get vigilant about a lie, no matter how small or stupid it is. A lie is what someone tells to hide something from someone else, or in some cases I truly believe to convince themselves of whatever it is they are trying to sell as the truth.

I am forced to have somewhat contact with a habitual liar. This person lies about stuff that no one could give a shit less about and really do not matter at all. So I do not understand why this person tells these lies. Really it shouldn't get under my skin, I am aware of this, that person is the one who has to live with their non-truths even no matter if they are small or big. But because the lies of others have impacted my life so harshly it just makes me boil.

Here's a little positive to the lies... When I catch someone telling a lie, I will call them out on it in a minute and for some reason I LIKE to see the look on their face and to hear them grovel for an explanation or to defend themselves. Is that sick that I like to watch someone squirm? (Its only in a situation like this that I like to see someone squirm)

 

[franciemarnie]

I so identify with a lot of what you are saying JadedGhost, particularly the lies. They make me nuts when I hear them, even when "innocent" or "white" or when they aren't even aware they are making something up. "Write on!"

 

[JadedGhost13]

franciemarnie,
Thank you for the encouragement to keep writing. I already feel somewhat better for getting some of this out and its only the tip of iceberg.

I have been accused of being "Too honest" Why would anyone want anything less? I don't understand. I refuse to lower myself to telling a lie of any kind to spare someone in any form or to hide who I am and what I have done.

Me being this way has caused a lot of people to drift away, but I really could care less because if they cannot handle honesty, then they are not honest people and not worthy of my time or feelings. I have exactly ONE person who is consistent in staying around. Others come and go, and some stay at bay, while I myself keep some people at bay.

Never let go of who you are and always live your truth. No one can take that from you. Others can distort how you are seen, but the cannot take from you your truth and honesty.

 

[torturedsoul7402]

JadedGhost,
Hi, I'm new here. I was checking out the site, and came across these entries. I leave the house usually only for therapy; although I do live with my partner and companion animals.
I have religious issues, due to traumatic religious upbringing.
I think it's great what you said about enjoying watching liars squirm when called out. I enjoy this also. Sick or not? I don't know.
It was nice to meet you.

 

[franciemarnie]

OMG! Me too re: "too honest".

Stand in your truth. That anchors me.

Psyched to read your writing.

 

[JadedGhost13]

Welcome to the site torturedsoul7402. You will find good company here. There are many people who have religious issues, I have came across many such people so were not alone which is good to know! I know that with some of the things that come along with PTSD and trauma is sometimes thinking were the only one who feels or sees something the way we do. So to make a connection with a like minded person is a great thing. I hope you stick around here and are comfortable here.

 

[torturedsoul7402]

JadedGhost,
I feel like we may have a lot in common, from what I've read of your writing so far. I plan on sticking around here. My partner is an EXCELLENT support for me, but besides her; my new therapist, and animals are all I have to turn to. I have difficulty connecting with, and trusting humans.
By the way, how do you start a trauma journal? Thanks!

P.S. I like your user name.

 

[JadedGhost13]

To those looing in....

I have worked so hard to personify a outward appearance as to not alert the general public that I am anything or anyone different than what they see before them. I am quite proficient in the act of being a " Chameleon " I suspect that many of us who suffer are terrific at being a chameleon.

I was once on a 4 year bender with drinking. I was very good at not appearing to have a issue. I made sure to eat as I drank so I did not get smashed blubbering drunk. I drank alone a lot so that no one could witness how much and how often I was consuming. Alcohol was good in a way, it made me somewhat social, something I am not at all now. My sperm donor is a alcoholic who has destroyed his liver. I witness how his drinking affects our relationship as well as his relationship with others and that gives me reason to not consume on a regular basis. At the end of my bender I had a few blackout spells, those are what prompted me to take deep look and make a change. One instance happened in a foreign country, the other in a major city that I do not reside in. That was six months ago that I made the decision to got off the booze.

I also smoke herb, that is more for chronic pain and was only used as a absolute last resort when my medication failed me for the longest time. Lately I have began smoking more on a regular basis. Why am I mentioning this? See as a adolescent my mother decided that she would send me away to relieve herself of the responsibility of raising a adolescent / teen. At a very young age she took me to a youth drug rehab. I had never used any drug in my life and even though I proclaimed over and over that I had not used and requested a drug test, I was let down by adults who did not listen to me and did not drug test me. This happened on more than one occasion. The 3 rd time she checked me into the place they finally took a drug test and seen that here were no drugs in my system. That only prompted my mother to find other facilities for me to be sent to. As a form of rebellion I suppose, I did try smoking, and have never don so on a regular basis, but the need to rebel is what did prompt me to try the herb. I do not smoke with anyone and I only use the same source to obtain what I need which is only every few months. The first time I purchased from the person I get it from, they looked at me so strange, and I thought I had frightened the person like they may have thought I was police or something, it was actually quite the opposite, as this person had pretty much been around me their entire life and did not have a clue I was a closet smoker.

I would imagine that many of us are successful at keeping things inside without those on the outside knowing or suspecting. Not just the use of substances but just making ourselves blend in and not stick out so that were not noticed. I have major issues with holding things in, I don't want to be so open that everyone around me knows my issues and wants to talk about it, but damn I would like to learn to be open enough to release this dead weight holding me down in a safe environment. Maybe someday, but until then I shall remain the same.

 

[JadedGhost13]

JadedGhost,
I feel like we may have a lot in common, from what I've read of your writing so far. I plan on sticking around here. My partner is an EXCELLENT support for me, but besides her; my new therapist, and animals are all I have to turn to. I have difficulty connecting with, and trusting humans.
By the way, how do you start a trauma journal? Thanks!

P.S. I like your user name.

My husband is a excellent support too. He is the only one who keeps sticking around. I have just started back to therapy so I am not very trusting just yet.

I started the journal just by going to the journals page and clicking on create new thread.

 

[JadedGhost13]

Random thought... Its a good thing I have no children living at home as there is no way that I could possibly keep them fed properly.

On the flip side of that situation I do not eat very well when it is just myself or myself plus one. It's often too hard to cook for 1-2 so we end up having things like a pack of peanut butter crackers and celery as a dinner instead of a snack.

Tonight it is myself plus one, and we had wings, pizza, celery sticks and blue cheese. Not a real healthy meal for people our age. (we don't need the grease)

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

JadedGhost13, I can definitely relate to so much of what you are saying. Religion, seclusion, alcohol abuse, etc. I chuckled at your statement about it being a good thing you have no children at home because you don't think you could keep them fed properly. I have two small kids and I struggle with the task of feeding them a meal 3x a day. It's very stressful and anxiety producing. I just do the best I can and they don't mind if sometimes we just eat apples and cheese or a peanut butter jelly sandwich.

Anyway, I look forward to reading more.