Suddenly I Remember And Now I Can't Forget

[jmni]

I guess I am looking for some feedback because this has just been on my mind lately. This happened years ago, but I only recently thought of it and it intrigues me because I have thought of it for a month even though I didn't think of it for at least three years. Apparently this was a big deal and I buried it...

I am sort of a person who has never been in a real relationship or had a real boyfriend. Recently for some reason I remembered someone who I had forgotten who seemed at the time to be interested in me and want to be my boyfriend. I guess in most cases I feel like people pay attention to me because they want me to treat me badly.

Anyway, I remembered this guy who seemed to like me and I was not ready for a relationship at the time because I was still distrusting and troubled and just not open. Everything about him was fine and most of my memories of him are very good. When I first remembered this I felt almost blissful. It made me feel as though I was loved by someone and it sort of lifted my spirits and changed my attitude because I was feeling as though I was such a freak and no one had ever loved me. But over the course of a month more memories came back.

At the time I was also living with a male roommate. He was asexual but he had some homosexual romantic tendencies. For whatever reason I was reckless back then and at this point I would never live with someone who I did not know or even associate with a stranger. But then I was a "free-spirit" or idiot. Also I was taking cymbalta which definitely lowered my inhibitions.)

The roommate turned out to be a creep and I felt trapped so I attempted to talk about it with this other guy, (the one who seemed to like me.) I asked him what he thought of the roommate and he said he thought he was a "pretty cool guy" and just to elaborate I remember him saying it almost arrogantly or sort of cruelly. And when he said that I remember really shutting down. I was very surprised because typically he was always really kind to me and treated me well.

It hurt of course because you want to be able to talk to your friends who you trust, then he shot me down and I was not able to open up, further trapping me in my situation. In retrospect I think I felt so betrayed by this that I forced myself to forget him or have anything to do with him (eventually). And now when I think of it I can only question why he would not support me, if he actually did like me. If a man likes a woman, shouldn't he not want her to live with another man? Especially not a creep like my roommate. (Who btw was not cool and probably clinically insane.)

So I guess I just don't understand why it resurfaced and why I am rethinking it so much. was I right to forget this guy? Was it an opportunity best lost? Is that just one way to reveal yourself for not being what you seem and being a jerk? Does his behavior open the door to speculation that I avoided? Should I even be examining this now? Why is this coming back to me now?(I have been thinking a lot about improving my concept of relationships and am in therapy now.) This is just getting to the point that its weirding me out because I am thinking too much about this guy and what happened and what ifs and all of that. I don't understand whats going on with me right now but I this feels like a rut and I also feel bit guilty for sort of making a mountain out of a mole hill but for whatever reason this issue has tunneled itself out of my brain.

I guess I should also say that I am very alone, and I am lonely and tired of this. I have spoken about it with my T but would like to hear from others who might relate...

 

[Hashi]

So I guess I just don't understand why it resurfaced and why I am rethinking it so much... Why is this coming back to me now?(I have been thinking a lot about improving my concept of relationships and am in therapy now.)

I think you may have just answered your own question. It seems to me that you need to process this, in the context of thinking about relationships generally.

Perhaps there's some processing about this particular guy, but I suspect it's not so much about him and "what if" in that particular situation. I suspect it might be worth looking at it as a more general thing. What was the dynamic? Is this a pattern? (Or might it be a pattern if you got more involved with other people). What meaning did you give it at the time, and what meaning would you give it now? Basically, what is there to learn from this about yourself and how you feel about relationships. Perhaps even what your fear about relationships.

I'm not clear what you've discussed with your therapist. To me, the reason something like this comes into my brain and doesn't go away is that I need to understand something general from the specific situation. That means taking a few steps back when I look at it. Seeing it's place on a timeline in my life, rather than getting stuck in seeing it as a lost moment in time.

 

[ghotiff]

Is it that you opened yourself up to a relationship with this friend (not physical, but still a friendship which could have future possibilities). You then exposed yourself to them wanting input in a difficult situation. They then let you down. In the context of your life and it's history, I can see this being a big thing and I can understand the desire to process it now.

Hope that helps.

 

[jmni]

I guess I've been treated so badly by so many different people, that it hurt me undeniably but everyone denied all of the ways in which it hurt me. I thought I had found a real friend with him. And when he shut me down like that I didn't even get to express anything I wanted to say. It became another case of, "you can treat her like she's trash" / as though I was being intentionally repressed whether that's what it was or not. I thought that he was different and had felt some hope with him, and then it was destroyed just like that. I think when he did that, I just felt I couldn't risk opening up to him anymore. I had been raped that year and did not tell anyone about it and of course I wanted to.

My life was really destroyed by people harassing me and stalking me and although my life is peaceful now, its not what I want and I really hate my life.