Sufferer Suggestions

[hangingon]

I am in a "relationship" with a sufferer of combat PTSD. We are in contact at least every 2 days or so, but it's been over 2-3 weeks since I've seen him. When we text, each time it can seem like I'm communicating with different people. Sometimes he messages me one word, I will respond and hear nothing back or just 1-2 word, cold answers. Then every once in a while I receive very open, loving, expressive messages. He says he loves me, wants to be with me, doesn't want anyone else. Then back to messages that barely seem tolerant of the communication, even if he initiates it. I know for someone with PTSD a relationship can be exhausting. I'm sure it can be a stressor, even if it's positive stress. I guess my question is, does having a relationship cause more harm than good to the sufferer?
I love him. I truly want him to be at peace and be happy. I love when he is happy, it warms my heart. I don't know if I'm helping him or not. And I wondered if there are ways to be a better supporter. If you could tell a supporter specifically what to avoid doing and what to do that best helps. I realize giving him space, that I am doing. And I respond in kind even when plans or my heart are broken.
I never know if I should invite him to things I'm doing, tell him when loved ones ask about him, share the details of my day vs keep it at small talk. I know he will turn down most invites. And when I do message him, it's with the knowledge & full understanding that I most likely will not get much if any response

 

[Justmehere]

Texts are a mixed thing. Text is good for logistics, and everything else... well, so much can go wrong with communication on text. On this forum, there are so many posts and threads about problems with text communication and far fewer threads about communication done in other ways (although that does occur a lot too.) Text far outweighs all other forms of communication as a problematic medium, especially for convening deep emotional connection. It's text.

It's so hard to read tone, and sometimes even harder to covey tone, accurately, via the short and blunt method of text communication for people with and without PTSD.

It is said the 80% of communication is non-verbal, and I think that is especially true in romantic relationships. I think we all have to be careful to not try to make text something it's not good for - in depth on-going communication of deep heart matters.

Then back to messages that barely seem tolerant of the communication, even if he initiates it.

Key word: "seem."

The thing about texts is that I will get them often when I am running into a meeting, doing something else, etc, and I simply don't have the time to respond with the full depth and time it takes to fully convey my heart. This is true for many people. Often I will not respond to a text and try to wait for when I can respond more fully, but then sometimes I forget. I don't forget about the person, but I forget to come back and respond to that text I got just before I ran into the grocery store. Sometimes my texts to someone are a one word or even a smiley face answer back, and I have had to tell friends and partners, if you get this response from me, it's to tell you I'm listening and reading, and I simply just can't respond on text in the full way I want to at the time. If you want a full response on me on something, I'm only reliable in person or on the phone. It's not an indication of my heart for them, it's simply what I can and can't do. I learned to do this from someone who doesn't have PTSD but who is really crappy at texting too. She happens to be one of the most caring people I know, but just doesn't convey it on text for reasons that have nothing to do with her heart and feelings about people. Some people really don't like this, and really want a lot of in depth text communication. I can appreciate that this is what works for them.

When I am struggling with PTSD symptoms being high, text can turn into something that is exhausting. I would not say that this means relationships are bad for a sufferer. No man is or should be an island. We all need people. It doesn't mean though that I can sustain texting when I am in a high stress state. It takes more work for me to convey my heart on text than it does if someone is there. Sometimes, if symptoms are high, just can't keep up with texts.

A few things that you can do: 1.) The more you can communicate about what you do want in terms of communication, the better. If you want to know how his day is going and feel hurt he hasn't told you, ask him, how is your day going? If he doesn't give many details, tell him, flat out, I want to know more details. If you feel like his one word answers may mean a lack of heart for you, tell him that this is how you are interpreting it and ask what it does mean to him. 2.) Hold everything communicated on text lightly, until you can talk to him on the phone or in person, and you can have all the non-verbals of communication to help inform you how he really feels. 3.) ask him what helps and what doesn't help for him. He's the best person to say. 4.) evaluate what you need in relationships. It may be simply that you need more connection than he can do right now, and that's ok. Be honest with him and yourself if this is enough connection and communication for you to be able to sustain the relationship with him over the long haul. It's not all about what the sufferer needs, but what the supporter needs too.

 

[hangingon]

Thank you for the suggestions. I do agree text is not always the best format. Unfortunately it is currently my only form of communication with him. He has excited contacted me to make plans, expresses how much he misses me and needs to see me, then plans are broken. So we have not been face to face recently. And he doesn't like talking on the phone. We used to do that 1-2 times a week and occasionally Skype. But now our only communication is via text. Not my preference but I will take it. I will ask about his needs when he has another good day.