Suggestions Please - Need Help Setting Bondaries.

[Deleted member 20280]

Statement :- "I know she means well and is only worried about me"

Question :- "How do I politely ask her to back off and give me some 'personal space'?"

When I came to my significant turning point in life I came back to my childhood town. I am staying with my mum and eldest brother, both significant abusers from my childhood. Neither of them or in fact any member of my own family ever sexually abused me or came even close to it. I have rationalised their treatment of me as a small boy and although I will never, and can never forget what they put me through I can hand on heart say that I have forgiven both of them.

I needed security when I was made homeless last year as a result of my breakdown, but I also needed, and wanted to face all of my demons head on.

I am going from strength to strength in recovery and each day has it's challenges which I face head on and thankfully have overcome very well.

My mum was very heavy handed and although her treatment of me is inexcusable I for myself know the circumstances behind her "over-zealous" punishments of me. (They are private for now)

Basically every time I "want to be left alone" and actually 'need' some space to sit and just think, she will constantly ask if I want a cuppa, or just "are you OK son?", "how are you today?".

I help out at a Christian drop-in on a Sunday night, giving a hot meal and company to the numerous homeless and needy families in my home town. Last week I was there and met a friend from my school-days. We got chatting and went for a drink afterwards. I texted to let mum know where I was and not to wait up.

I got home that night, late, and she was pacing the house almost ready to call out a search party for me.

I am 43 years old later this month, have served my country, am a father of six children and held down a professional job in government service for nearly 18 years, (unemployed now because of PTSD). I do not need to be mollycoddled or waited on. I can get a cuppa whenever I want one. I can cook for myself (having six kids taught me how to survive :)"

I am a 5f 9" nasty looking individual (brutish looks but a very kind heart inside)

All I want is to be able to live a 'normal' adult life without people worrying that I am going to 'crack' like last year.

Differences.

Last year:- I was vulnerable and scared after my diagnosis and not safe, even in my own company.

This year:- I am safe in mind and actively re-engaging life, (everyone comments how much I have achieved and how much better I am)

I appreciate her and others concerns but I don't need to be waited on or wet-nursed. I survived numerous years of horrific abuse as a child and if I can survive what I went through then, I can survive anything life decides to throw a me.

So back to the Question :- "How do I politely ask her to back off and give me some 'personal space'?"

Any Idea's

 

[Jane.l]

I use this with my mum but I don't live with her -
'I know you worry about me' (validating her feelings) 'and it has been difficult but I am doing really well right now. Sometimes I need my own space and I need you to let me have that but I know you are there if I need you and I appreciate that '

In actual fact she is the last person I would go to if I needed someone but it seems to keep her at arms length

 

[Eleanor]

How about something like "I hear that you are concerned about me and I appreciate that. What would help most right now is for me to have some quiet time alone to reflect." or if religion is respected in your house you could say, "Thanks mom, right now I just need to pray and bring myself closer to God." ?

 

[Spiderallis]

As it sounds like you mum is acting that way out of care and concern for you, I'd phrase it as being the next step in your progress to be more independent. Approach it as needing a bit more room to grow. I'm sure it can feel stifling to have someone fretting all the time, but she'll react more favorably if you express your needs in a positive light. Perhaps thank her for helping during your difficult time before saying that you're ready to handle more things on your own?

 

[Echo]

@laurie71 - I agree with what @Jane.l says. I guess, despite what happened in the past, what happened to you may in itself have been a trauma for your mum, and she is worrying too much because when you are out of contact, she gets triggered herself.

I don't know if it is possible for you, but maybe you are getting to the stage when you could be planning to get your own place again. At least working towards it. Not as punishment for your mum, but as a way of getting a healthy distance between you. I'm not a mum, but I see with my sisters who are that when their adult sons are living at home, they worry in a way they don't when the 'boys' are away. Maybe it takes them back to being at an early stage in their parenting. I guess, if you are a dad of six you know what this is about!

 

[scout86]

From a totally different perspective........ If MY mom said something like that, there's an excellent chance that it would NOT be true that she

means well and is only worried about me"

You're in the best position to judge motives. All I'm saying is that there are people out there who "act" in all kinds of ways for reasons of their own, that have NOTHING to do with the reasons they give.

I'm going to be interested to read the replies here, because this kind of communication is something I've never been good at. My own approach, after trying to be polite and diplomatic used to end up being, "Stay out of my life!" But then, I'd happily freeze to death under a bridge before even considering moving within 100 miles of my mom. LOL

I guess it's going to depend on whether or not you can actually have a normal conversation with her.

 

[The Albatross]

I can relate to the part about your mother almost sending out a search party. My mother, as I began to recover was stuck in the role and ultimately ended up on low dose Paxil for her own general anxiety. In my case it became apparent that her anxiety issues were beyond the rational concern about me.

Just throwing it out there for you to consider.

Though something I had to pause to consider with both my mother and my spouse, and still do, is to try to recognize that their expression of "loving, caring, kindnesses" is different than mine. I get irritated when they seem to be nursing me or fretting over me overly much... but really? They are trying do demonstrate, each in their own ways concern or care of me in the ways that they are able. For myself, I decided to lend more credence to their overatures and less to my angst most of the time unless I felt really strongly about it or it was disturbingly irrational. Then with either one of them, I have a sit down and attempt to communicate clearly and listen so as to try to square it up and get on the same page.

A lot of my angst harkens back to being a sickly child with unmet needs. I get pissed off sometimes now, when I am managing better than I ever have at these little overatures because at my down times I am angry and I think "Where the hell were you when I REALLY needed you????"

I try not to go down the thought cascade these days and allow if reasonable my mother and spouse to do things they think are nurturing whether I do or not. It is their love language and I accept it as long as it's not irrational. Like I said, when it is I do the more uncomfortable thing and endeavor to have the discussion.

Don't know if this will help you or not, but I get frustrated at times and irritated too.

 

[The Albatross]

If you want to know somebody's motives.... ask.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

but maybe you are getting to the stage when you could be planning to get your own place again

@Echo that is exactly where I am looking at getting. I left home at the age of seventeen as I more needed rather than wanted my own independence. As a son I appreciate the concern, although I was by mum in a very "Victorian" fashion and to "spare the rod, was to spoil the child" there were times when all I ever wanted were a mothers love and hugs. These were infrequent, although when given were as a child they were comforting and really appreciated.

I have already said that both mum and Andy were 2 of many different abusers on differing levels of severity. I have totally forgiven both of them for what part they each played. Mum for being at time, yes 'brutal' at times with her punishments of me. Andy more savage in his beatings and more. Mum I believe is genuinly concerned because when I came back I made it clear that I more needed them as I was homeless at the time and needed a "safe place" to base myself.

Twenty five years ago I left this town and as I drove past the sign for the next town I said to myself that I would 'Never' live there again.

I only ever visited this town when my eldest three kids were small as I always had a great loving relationship with Dad. He was disabled and loved his grand-children with a passion. My own feelings were always second to his right to watch them grow up.

Mum has taken on board totally what happened to me as a kid was a form of abuse, not seen in that light back then but thankfully that has changed. Andy will never fully accept that his treatment of me was savage or even wrong but we have a mutual understanding regarding boundaries and he even, to my shock does show caring attitudes when I am at my worst mentally.

Thanks for you kind replies guys & gals.

Laurie

 

[Valkyrie]

My mother is staying with me for 6 months and was/is a huge part of my abuse I asked my therapist the same question.

He said to think of it like training a dog you set boundaries by punishment and rewards. When your mother is over bearing and you need space simply walk away or leave the house. Before you do be sure to tell her that you need space or what she is doing is bothering you. Or if you can leave or get away then again tell her you need space then simply put head phone while listening to music and stop talking to her.

It sound easier the it is sadly . My mom had more then one fit in the beginning. however thing have calmed down and when I walk away she leaves me alone. In fact most days she waits for me to come talk to her.

 

[Barconian]

All I want is to be able to live a 'normal' adult life without people worrying that I am going to 'crack' like last year.

Last year is the past, this year is now! Believe in yourself Laurie and you will find your quest far easier