Suicidal Dont Know Where To Turn

[RaggyDoll]

Hi,
Thanks for all your replies they have all really helped knowing there are people that get it and care. I rang my G.P again and he told me to take some diazapam which I've done and I feel a little calmer and am now just telling myself I just need to stay alive until my partner comes home in an hour and then hope I feel a little better tomorrow when she leaves again. I can't talk to her or friends about it like they suggested how do you tell them you are suicidal and make them feel they are not enough?

I tried to tell them yesterday how bad I was feeling but I just ended up giving in and leaving with a number for self help services which just felt like they thought I was exaggerating and wouldn't do it, it feels like you have to do something so they will listen!

I don't have a care coordinator and the G.P said the crisis team wouldn't do much anyway.

Thanks x

 

[Purplemunchkin]

Glad to hear from you, and thanks for checking in.

I can't talk to her or friends about it like they suggested how do you tell them you are suicidal and make them feel they are not enough?

You just have to be honest and tell them. Ask them to take you to the hospital, you may find that having them there will make it easier to be 'taken seriously'.

As for making them feel that 'they are not enough', harsh as it sounds, tough! This is about you, not them. And I'm saying that as a supporter who has driven her suicidal boyfriend to A&E and stood there whilst he tells the doctor that he wants to die.

I tried to call the crisis team for my other half, and they weren't interested. They said to call NHS Direct (as it was then), who told me to take him to A&E.

The first time they fobbed him off, sent him home, and told me to call the police if I felt threatened?!

The second time we went they tried to fob him off again, "no beds", "see your GP tomorrow", he told them he would hurt himself if they sent him away, and funnily enough they found a bed.

@Kas_Can_Fly is right, you will have to wait, and it might not be quick, but you will get help.

 

[sun seeker]

I tried to tell them yesterday how bad I was feeling but I just ended up giving in and leaving with a number for self help services which just felt like they thought I was exaggerating and wouldn't do it, it feels like you have to do something so they will listen!

Oh how I love the oft-given advice to "reach out and ask for help". Sarcasm intended. How often that "help" is demeaning, non-existent, or just idiotic. I wonder how many people who are already traumatized have been traumatized further by those who are supposed to help. Believe me, it's not just you.

You are going to have to be your own advocate, and not stop insisting until you get the help you need. Don't take no for an answer. A few people have already told you the words to say. The ironic thing is, when you are as severely depressed as this, it is extremely hard to believe you deserve help. So you have to act as if. What would you do for someone you love if they were feeling as bad as you are feeling right now, and their doctor was brushing them aside? That's what you have to do now for yourself. I know it feels impossible, but it's not, it just feels that way. Say what you need, say it loud, and repeat until someone hears you. You can do it.

 

[RaggyDoll]

Hi,
Thanks for all your support, I have been to my G.P again this morning and eventually got to see one and told him I was going to kill myself and I needed someone to stop me. He has referred me to a a community team who basically act as a gateway, the referral was a very strange experience as it was on speaker phone so I heard it all, until the nurse on the phone got fed up and asked me to leave the room.

Anyway they are supposedly coming out tomorrow to asses me at home which I really don't want as I don't want my partner there as I think she will find it too much and I am scared to death she will leave me and if she does that will be the end for me, I don't know why they have to involve your partner, can you stop them? Need to get through today now I suppose, whilst waiting for my partner to text back after I have texted her to check she is ok but have got no reply yet, so fearing the worst.

Thanks & Take Care

 

[Purplemunchkin]

Glad to hear from you today @RaggyDoll.

I still think you should go to A&E. Partly because I don't trust the community team to turn up, but mainly because they have obviously not understood how desperate you feel if they are happy to stall you for yet another day.

If the community team do come, what are the possible outcomes? You should have been given some idea. Will they refer you to someone next week? Call an ambulance? Admit you to a psychiatric unit immediately?

As for having your partner involved, well for me as a supporter knowing what is happening now has been vital in allowing me to understand just how bad things are and what I can/can't do to help. However, in one assessment I was sent out of the room by the crisis team woman so she could talk to my other half without thinking he felt pressure from me to say or not say anything. Patient confidentiality stands though, so if you don't want your partner there that is your choice to make.

Keep us updated x

 

[blackemerald1]

@RaggyDoll, if you get so desperate and nothing else or anyone else has helped get you out of this situation, then write down what you are feeling, keep it brief and blunt. Call the Police and hand it to them at the door. You may be asked how you plan to do it, when you plan to do it and all sorts of other questions. Just keep telling them to read the note and help you NOW! I do not live in your country but they must surely be under statutory obligation to get you to a fast tracked system where you are seen relatively quickly.

"I am going to kill myself. I am a danger to myself and others. You need to admit me." I actually have it written on a piece of paper in my wallet.

I've since been told by the crisis team and my social worker, that if things are that bad, report yourself to the police or have someone else do it because they won't leave you unattended and will actually get you seen to faster.

As for your partner not knowing, how could she miss this deterioration in you and ask yourself who should care about me the most? In case you are so down, the answer is YOU!

What has brought on this sudden drop besides "Christmas" and your health system? If you are so scared, do not leave the ER.

Can you ask your doctor to have you "certified" (in this country there is voluntary and involuntary certification.) Here the Police are duty bound to take you to a Psychiatric ward & though it is a slow process you can be hospitalised for up to 4 weeks.(I mean slow as is in you may be put on a seat for many hours) But not left unattended ie (suicide watch)

Speaking of going to hospital, what will your partner think of you being admitted? You must tell your partner. If your partner cannot help then sorry, but not much more to be said there.

One last thought, as has already been suggested, whatever has bought this crisis on, may pass and even taking it hour by hour is a success for you. If that means sitting in an ER for two days, waiting to be admitted, DO IT! There has to be something really serious going on for you to suddenly drop so deep and drastically that suicide has become your only objective. Just keep going back to your doctor or the ER, follow the advice of your own country forum member's here they sound like they know the system.

@joeylittle has some great strategies, just keep doing them and keep knocking on and kicking in doors till you get help. Don't give in, I have been there myself. You must be your own best friend right now or, the system there sounds like it will keep putting you off.

Keep coming back here to this forum if its just to vent about what has or has not happened. We care.

 

[joeylittle]

I have been to my G.P again this morning and eventually got to see one and told him I was going to kill myself and I needed someone to stop me. He has referred me to a a community team who basically act as a gateway,

Good for you - you really did a thing that's hard to do, actually, going back to the doctor and being this clear with him. It will make being clear to others easier.

I agree with @Purplemunchkin - if you are being rattled even more by the fear of them coming to your home, then go to hospital. You will probably have to wait a really long time (I believe it, from the wise words of all the other UK posters here) but you will be sitting in a safer place. Better to sit there for 6 or 7 hours than to buzz around in your head while having no protection around you.

Times I've gone to the hospital, even with a huge wait, I have felt so much relief to just have gotten myself through the doors, told them whats wrong, and actually find that getting instructions - being told I just will have to wait - has given me permission (in such a strange way) to stop, sit, and be calm.

Keep checking in, @RaggyDoll - we're thinking of you.

 

[RaggyDoll]

Hi, thanks again for your support & advice. They must have had a rethink after talking to my psychotherapist (they haven't told me they have spoken to her but it was obvious due to what they knew) and they turned up a couple of hours ago. You're right they just threw questions at me, including how I was going to do it etc,maybe unfair but that's how it felt) and told me wards were not good or nice places and referred me to a crisis point place which provides accommodation and individual/ group therapy for ten days which could be ok but there is a waiting list of a few days so I guess I will have to wait and go to a&e if needed (which they said to do). They also gave me some places to meet groups but I can't be round people right now. Gonna try and talk to my partner tonight which I'm nervous about.

Take care everyone and thanks x

 

[illusionist]

Hi Raggydoll...they do throw questions at you...you are not unfair in thinking that....that is what they do which is no help when you are struggling to find the answers. You wouldn't be asking for help if you knew..would you?.
I hope you find a way of talking to your partner tonight in how you are feeling, it could be a way forward. Do take special care of yourself.

 

[RaggyDoll]

Hi, why is depression the only illness that people are angry or disappointed in you for having? That's how I feel right now, my partner was upset when I told her how I felt, although she did say she was sick of the situation rather than me. I can understand she is frustrated and probably frightened, I probably would be in her shoes, but it also makes me feel more guilty and anxious around her. I find I can't sit still today, I need to be doing something or I become more anxious and the suicidal thoughts become stronger. I am just sitting by the phone waiting for the Crisis Point place to ring with a bed.

Thanks for reading and take lots of care of yourselves x

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I think it just hurts others when they can't help you and their caring can get convoluted with being angry at the situation. If you're struggling a lot you can call the crisis team back and say you urgently need help, call the police or go to the hospital. Try to stay safe.

 

[sun seeker]

why is depression the only illness that people are angry or disappointed in you for having?

Hi @RaggyDoll, I totally get where you are coming from with that question, and sympathize. It isn't your fault, you are doing all you know how to do. It's also possible - this just occurred to me - that since depression makes us look at the world through dark glasses, people are less angry or disappointed in us than we think, or we take it harder than we would otherwise.

I think @Kas_Can_Fly is right, and also that there is a lot of misinformation about depression and some people still think it's a weakness rather than a real condition. Other than that, I think it upsets their world view. I just wrote a post on this topic in the thread "How Do You Handle Friendships With People Who Don't Get It?" There might be something there for you.