Suicidal Ideation In The Written Form

[honeypie058]

This is an email I wrote to my therapist that I would like to share. It was one of many low points in desperation and a rare moment of honesty regarding this PTSD symptom that I can't seem conquer.

"Had a real scary moment today, very scary thought. While visiting my parents, I was in my dad's office looking for batteries in his desk drawer and found one his guns. I was surprised to see it there,he's usually very responsible locking it up. I stared at it for a minute and that's when the thought turned dark. I wondered how easy it would be to put the bullets in the gun and hold it. It would take away the terror and pain. It's just like those bad times when I have a bottle of pills in my hand ready to swallow or holding the lighter to my arm. I quickly closed the drawer because I heard your voice reminding me of our agreement and the vision of my daughters without their mom. I'm safe for the moment. I'm not going to do anything. It's your voice that keeps me from doing something stupid. You keep me alive, thank you. I'm just real glad that don't own a gun."

I hope it was ok to share and wondered if anyone has experienced these kind of moments. Moments when the terror and pain of the trauma become to much to handle.

 

[Eagle3]

I'm in one of those low spots right now. Having to keep my weapons locked up and other people have the keys. My therapist understands when I tell him about this stuff, he's been through it too. Hopefully your therapist will understand and appreciate their role in keeping you safe. Goodness, I've had those kinds of thoughts for the last 20 years or so....still here, though I wonder why some days...

 

[Friday]

Yes & no. Ideation is still a daily thing for me, but it hasn't scared me for a very long time. I ignore it most of the time. I don't flirt with it, as a rule. Actual rule. As in am not allowed to.

The fear, that it was a scary thought, is a good thing, IMO.

 

[Sandstone]

I think if I was your T I would be pleased, both that you had shared the experience honestly, and that you had acted as you did. You applied the tool you had agreed on to deal with the ideation, and you applied it instantly to a different sort of tool. That sounds like a good step in learning and growing. It also shows that you and your T are building a strong working relationship, because the positive voice you heard was your T.

 

[Snowflake]

Yep happens a lot -I don't have a gun but it usually happens with pills or seeing a sharp knife. I play it through my mind how great it would feel to be dead-end the pain, loneliness, hopelessness. But unfortunately I am so chicken I never follow through. Hang in there your not alone.

 

[moshpitmunkey]

Yeah happens to me often as well. The ideation is daily and persists through even the good days and every once in a while it does get scary. Especially when I see a box cutter. I stare at it contemplating the outcomes of using it until something or someone snaps me out of it. But real proud of you for taking control of the situation you handled it really well. Hope you are doing alright