Suicidal Ideation Is My Comfort Zone

[Abraxas]

Almost every night for the past three or four months i've drifted to sleep while imagining myself dying, or cutting myself, or stabbing myself or burning myself, or any number of violent scenarios. The only terrifying thing about it is that it's a comforting scenario. It lowers my my heart rate and helps the anxiety subside so I can sleep.

The best I ever remember feeling was when I burned four holes in my leg. It took a year to heal and I had that pain with me whenever I wanted it. I could just squeeze my leg and feel my anxiety fade away. There is always a knot in my throat, and physical pain seems to be the only thing that makes it disappear.

My nightly routine has become making a cup of tea, laying down and squeezing an ice cube until it melts. That usually melts away the anxiety enough to where I can close my eyes and try to sleep. Sometimes just holding a knife against my skin is enough to calm me, or maybe a scalding hot shower.

I know exactly what's happening. I'm shutting down, Isolating. It's exactly what I do whenever I let little stressors snowball out of control.

I'm not going to kill myself. I know firsthand how that effects others from when my sister tried when we were kids. But f*ck, If I didn't have a few people I actually care about in my life, this heartbeat would be my last.

Actually laughed reading an old journal entry: "you haven't lived until you've wanted to die"
I'm livin' it up

I think i'm emotionally constipated. I know the healthy thing to do would be to cry. But I can't cry. I can get just to the threshold of tears, and then I go numb. All that emotion finds its way to some sink hole in my psyche where it festers into dreams.

Goodnight. As shit as I feel I can guarantee you i'll be here in the morning...

 

[Seasounds]

Your strong emotions speak loudly to me, through the scenarios you choose. I am glad you are safe. Crying is one note one the piano key, and it can open if you gently cultivate it in ways that you feel safe.

It took me a long time, and it also took finding the right therapists.
I did feel better after I could cry and yell; expressing the most vulnerable and the most angry feelings were the like emotional laxatives. If you want any suggestions, let me know. Since as a child I would be hit, if I expressed anything, it is understandable to me why I couldn't cry or yell in therapy until I was almost 30.

You are on to something. Smart thinking; ways to let the intensity out without self-harm.

 

[Nevermore]

"Emotionally constipated"!! I've used those same words, but little by little now I'm learning how to trust my own feelings and not immediately clamp down when I feel them.
That ice cube gave me an image of trying to freeze the feelings, or cause physical pain to get your mind off the emotional pain. Makes so much sense.
It's scary to hold such strong feelings and have nowhere to go with it all.
I go to an art therapist. It's better than talking for me as I never want to say it, or tell the whole story. Just want/need somewhere to be able to feel it in the presence of another.
I'm glad u know u won't do it. I do believe the solutions come when u really start to seek them. And that wishing it all to be over is just too much overload!
I hope u find a way to express yourself without hurting yourself. You've been hurt enough already...

 

[Sideways]

I have a bit of an issue (understatement alert) with chronic suicidal ideation. Every now and again in the past it overflowed a bit from just ideation, but it one of the symptoms that I've been living with for years. Finding the thoughts comforting? Can totally relate to that.

These days I seem to be able to just keep them as comforting thoughts, rather than actions. My T told me once that when you're in pain, your brain looks dor solutions to make the pain stop - that's natural. So when you're in this much pain, for this much time, your brain sees suicide as a potential solution. And it's a solution that you control, unlike recovery which can take its sweet arse time.

Looking at it from that perspective, it not only makes sense that you'd think about suicide, but it also makes sense that you find the thought comforting.

Thing is, our brains tend not to be crash hot at rational solutions when there's ptsd and depression on board. The solution is actually to stick around, keep going, because it gets better, and it's worth it. So, "thanks brain for trying to help out", just keep it in the "thoughts only" tray.

 

[Abraxas]

Thanks guys. Feeling a bit better this morning. I guess I probably should go back to therapy. I just have terrible guilt about letting my family down. I feel like I have to be strong for my sister. She has terrible guilt because she wasn't able to protect me from our mother. I was in therapy and doing EMDR for most of my childhood until I was 20. I'm 23 now, and I really did have a couple good years of not being very symptomatic. I think I was just fooling myself into thinking that this could be "cured".


Saetva, I would be grateful for any emotional laxatives you can share.

 

[Snowflake]

Almost every night for the past three or four months i've drifted to sleep while imagining myself dying,...

Omg I hear you!!!!!! I feel like you were writing a post on me . This week I have seen my t two times , talked on phone 3x, and texted a crisis line 2x. Nothing helped the feeling. All I can say is sorry -it's a crappy feeling.

 

[Abraxas]

Omg I hear you!!!!!! I feel like you were writing a post on me . This week I have seen my t two times...

Snowflake, i'm glad you're still here. About a week ago, an acquaintance who was a friend of many of my friends killed himself. It made me feel terrible guilt, seeing the intense pain in his loved ones and knowing that I had been fantasizing about something that would cause so much pain to those I love. I think the sickest feeling I had though was just a hint of jealousy...

I don't know if you listen to podcasts, but I listened to one about negative thoughts the other day that really stuck with me. you might get something out of it too.
I can't post the link, but if you search "Invisibilia The secret history of thoughts" on youtube you can listen to it.

 

[Snowflake]

Snowflake, i'm glad you're still here. About a week ago, an acquaintance who was a friend of many of my...

Thank you-I will listen .

 

[lithium-mom]

I'm really sorry you go through this. I go through basically the same thing. The thought of death and lack of doing anything ever again really calms me. Going back to therapy is a good idea, it doesn't help me much but I'm generally pretty hopeless in general. I like that you aren't going to kill yourself and I'm very proud of you. I know how hard that is. That's basically the same thing I say "I'm doing terribly but I'm not going to kill myself."

If you need to reach out to anyone, I'm 100% here for you.

 

[Abraxas]

Here we go again... The thoughts have gotten pretty intense this week. I forget every year how terrible this week is. First it's my mother's birthday, which was always hell growing up, then it's the anniversary my first major trauma, my sister's attempted suicide when we were alone at home together when I was 10, then it's the anniversary of my psychotic break when I burned myself at 17, and the subsequent stay in a terrible mental hospital. All one after another in the span of a week...

Driving home from work I made myself say out loud "if you're seriously going to kill yourself tell your roommate" ten times because the imagery and excitement was so vivid. f*ck I hate april.

Thanks for the support. It helps to know when I get home I can just get on here and tell someone so it's out of my head.

 

[Snowflake]

Here we go again... The thoughts have gotten pretty intense this week. I forget every year how terrible...

I am so sorry-when those feelings are intense -it sucks! I am thinking of you.