Suicide As Avoidance?

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I'm sorry if I bumble through this, I don't really have the words and not sure if it could be helpful.

so I basically just shrugged and didn’t think any further on it. Whatever, it is what it is, nothing to be done except nod to my dance partner, and put things off as long as possible

Like you said Friday above, whether it be that or something/ everything else, I was raised to not dwell on negatives, to be solution based, and praised for not being a sissy or sob-story. That being said, I also don't remember being depressed, though I do remember great anxiety. And also rejection sensitive dyshphoria characteristics. And apparently fear of being lost because in particular I remember crying loudly (and I would not be silenced) after being lost for what seemed a long time in a store, and hid. (Though conversely I cried to myself when I knew I had been left behind/ abandoned, but waited and was quiet. Or being alone or alone in a strange town- terrific, esp the beach, near zero fear). Similarly I did not cry when slamming the car door on my thumb- I tried first to open it, then eventually did scream, and a few tears when I fell off a shed roof on to my tailbone, but told no one (after all, I shouldn't have been on there, anyway). Some of the (very) few occasions I expressed physical or emotional pain publically, even under the age of 5. If the situation caused great sorrow, fear, or loss, I cried to myself (or with my dog). I remember injuries in school where male teachers said to my mom their male students would have been balling. To this day whether it needs 40 stitches or what have you, I'll clean up the blood and carry on but will faint before I make a sound.

But similarly, though punctuated by worry, fear, horror or sorrow (often for others) , I do not remember being depressed. To this day (and no offence to anyone) I don't know how people can say ~'I can't get out of bed'. In so far as I can't imagine the luxury of conceding to it? So I suppose I'm a functional-appearing-SI- dealing person.

Because thats A solution.

And really, if raised in a culture of hope for the best, prepare for the worst, it really is, what is a solution?

for years, I’m used to ignoring myself / have some pretty solid rules around it, it’s just worse some times than others is all. No big deal.

I would humbly say, saying it's no big deal (which I do also) just might reflect a lifetime of whatever hurts, whatever is in the way, whatever is a need that can wait, is no big deal.

I also grew up in a happy family, and lots of laughs, lots of opportunities to express yourself. But really, where was unhappiness ever considered something to live with/ on? And I can honestly say, I don't want to dwell (on such things). But sometimes, it's just inevitable you have to admit how sad, tired, or resourceless you (I) feel. And living with that is something very tempting to avoid and 'solve'.

Suicidal ideation is a way I avoid myself.

And maybe the avoiding of self is what comes with self- a far too needy self (in one's eyes), or powerless self, or exhausted, or what have you. I mean, most of the time I wouldn't even be able to recognize depression, because I don't feel it. Do I not feel it, because I am not, or because it never was an option (or choice to even want) to be? Does feeling sorrow or sad or useless, etc, equate to deserving to not be 'here', to not having even the basic value, according to how we view our own selves? (And therefore make feeling such things a trigger to not being able to stand ourselves?) A decision like SI seems very practical and emotionless and solution-based, because it's easier than having negative emotions ourselves.

I think they are correct too, in so far as saying cbt is not entirely helpful until a person can get some self-compassion. Otherwise, you're in the 'resistant' group- knowing things are true (head) but not being able to feel or believe or accept them as true (heart).

Just my thoughts/ wonderings though. The only people I've met who seem to relate to this/ operate the same are many men, and military/ vets and older firefighters, and men esp who've survived a lot. Like, how you can just go to the bar (only have a beer or 2), and no one needs to explain it, or get in to feelings, but can equally drop hard or difficult straight-up news and listen and advice between jokes and teasing. And talk about it but go right back to jokes. And it's not held against you.
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