Relationship Supporter Success Stories?

[the8track]

I'd love to read some success stories of relationships that have mended, etc. regardless of the PTSD hassles.

 

[Learning123]

Hey the8track,

There are success stories, believe me, but they are few and far between and I don't think there is ever a quick fix.

This is a very long and painful process which involves dealing with being pushed away and being able to give space.

From what you have written your ex / gf still loves you and I think that is a great start, your posts mirror what I was saying about 9 months ago.

My advice... take care of you, don't try to fix her, let her realise herself that she needs help, and let her heal, but make sure she knows you are there. I honestly believe if she wants you she will let you know.

Whatever pain you experience (and it is of course valid), her pain is much worse. I wish you all the best, take strength from the members on here who have made it work, and listen to what she wants however much your emotions and needs take over, respect her and the end result whatever it is, will be the right one.

Big hugs

x

 

[ISupportHer]

There was a similar thread about a year ago. There are some success stories. I guess it depends on the definition of success. I know of a few that continue to have struggles but yet it's better. And some that heve not been successes.

I do think that we don't hear of successes because there would be little need for those people to be here anymore. I had a friend that was in the military that said he could not figure out why his close buddies got discharged, promising to keep in touch and then went home, never to be heard from again. Things change, life goes on and if you finally find yourself in a good place, not many want to revisit the pain.

ISH

 

[Nicolette]

I think success for a supporter is being able to keep one's own identity & being able to handle the PTSD well enough to maintain their part in a relationship. It is of course a two way street.

Success is also realizing what is and what is not your responsibility with PTSD. Knowing whether the relationship is working or destroying you - and if destroying you, deciding what is best for you.

 

[freakofnurture]

I went and asked my husband how he does it. We're a couple since the summer of 2002 and aside from him wanting to chicken out after 6 months (scared to lose his freedom) there has been not a whisper of quitting although we have plenty of fights (of which 99.9% were started by me for stupid trigger reasons -.-).

Here's a flattering self-portrait of him:

1. Before we met he had already been studying Buddhistic philosophy for ten years and he had learned Ninjutsu (jep, I'm married to an actual ninja :D). So he's calm, he's settled (as in 'emotionally stable and mature'), he can sit through a thunderstorm.

2. He doesn't need me. He loves me and he misses me when I'm gone, but if it were necessary he could let go of me and live just as well without me.

3. He doesn't have any expectations about how I ought to behave, how our relationship ought to look, what I ought to give him etc. Nothing ever lives up to the idealised pictures we create, and thus expectations only ruin the things we get instead of the ones we want.

4. He knows why he's with me. He's conscious of what he loves about me. When I am difficult to be with he reminds himself of the motivation that has been keeping him in this relationship for so long, and that recharges his batteries.

5. He himself suffers from psoriasis and made one big mistake in his life that he's still fixing today; so he knows how dreadful one can feel, he knows self-doubt and he knows how he can cope with that.

To tie that portrait to the way I experience him:

He's pretty amazing, really. I'd have left me and burned all photos of me ages ago. But he's not as perfect as the picture he paints of himself here. He can lose his temper, he can be hurtful, mean, dense, bullheaded, inconsiderate, prejudiced and intolerant. He can do and say things that are unbearable for me.

But - and here's where I'm part of what keeps us together - I desperately love him and I always, always remind myself that he only hurts me out of ignorance and lack of understanding, and not because he wants me to feel bad. I tell him how he makes me feel and try to explain why; there are some issues he still doesn't understand and it drives me nuts, but we're on our way.

Also my self-hate makes me able to eviscerate and decapitate myself in our arguments - that's how it feels when I'm in a triggered rage, everything within me is screaming 'He's killing you!' yet I still try to explain what I am feeling and why and that I know I'm wrong but please, please say I'm right. And he refuses because 'you need to learn to get over that' -.-

Having a relationship demands sacrifices and maturity from both sides.

In conclusion, the receipe for my husband's success as a carer:

Maturity, emotional independence, willingness to learn and a sufferer who's effing determined to stay.