General Supporters: ask a sufferer (symptoms etc)

[Freida]

@vj17 this is a great question. Best thing my supporters do? They accept that ptsd is a part of me that they will never understand and let me choose what to tell them about my adventures. Only two know the whole story -- and they are both as messed up as I am so they get it. The others have varying degrees of info and they are ok with that. Would they like to know more? Probably. And maybe, someday, 2000 years from now, when the moon is full and the planets align into a big circle in the sky, I'll tell them. But for now? Nope.

The one thing I have learned they want is for me to tell them when I feel like isolating so they don't worry about me. Which was a huge surprise because I had no idea that they worried. It had never crossed my mind. So we have reached a compromise. I say I"m going dark and they leave me alone until I come back. They might throw out the occasional "thinking about you" text but nothing more. And I promise that I will respond if they do to let them know I"m still alive

You might want to check out this thread....
General - What are they thinking?
I started it a while back and a ton of people -- sufferers and supporters--- have weighed in along the way.

 

[stressedone]

Is it normal for a sufferer to be able to drink and be social with acquaintances, while shutting out family and loved ones?

 

[Chris-duck]

@stressedone I'd say so. Acquaintances expect much less from you, plus they're less likely to notice if you're symptomatic or stressed. Way easier to appear normal.

 

[Swift]

Yeah, @stressedone, absolutely normal.

I've done it myself. I don't intend to excuse or condone my own behaviour, but I can shed some light on what was running through my head at the time.

The first thing you need to know is that PTSD and HUMA syndrome have a high comorbitity. (HUMA = Head Up My Arse.) any person with PTSD who doesn't admit that is lying.

Going out with my mates or acquaintances was easy, compared to dealing with the reactions of people close to me. Especially if there was alcohol involved, and I definitely drank more than I should. Just, being in a space where I could not deal with my issues is good. Seeing the looks on my loved one's faces, knowing what they were suffering because of me and my stupid PTSD was really, really hard. Like. I say I have my head up my arse, but that doesn't actually mean I don't care.

It means.... Caring was overwhelming. Everything was overwhelming. Being able to escape, by hanging out with mates who weren't going to ambush me into a conversation because they didn't know, was an utter life-saver. For me, I value my own competence and apparent normal-ness very highly. Being able to go out with mates and act like nothing happened allowed me to retain a bit of pride. Alcohol was a problem, definitely, but the "I can pretend I'm fully OK for an evening" was the real draw for me.

I'll speak about what I know, but being diagnosed was a huge blow for me, as much as it helped. Suddenly I'd gone from being a hypercompetent badass to a total mess and I was desperately, desperately clinging to anything that made me feel like my "old self."

I wonder if your loved one is shutting you out in other ways other than the going out thing? I definitely did that, and if I can help I'm up for it.

 

[Freida]

Is it normal for a sufferer to be able to drink and be social with acquaintances, while shutting out family and loved ones?

yep. yep and YEP. It is much easier for me to be around acquaintances than to be around loved ones. Because I can pretend that all is fine and I'm just dandy thanks for asking with them. Family knows better. Family wants to ask. Family wants to help. And sometimes I just can't handle their feelings on top of mine. I have to try to be more careful about what I say or do because I care if I hurt them. acquaintances? Yea, don't give a crap if I upset them. So there is no pressure

I'll speak about what I know, but being diagnosed was a huge blow for me, as much as it helped. Suddenly I'd gone from being a hypercompetent badass to a total mess and I was desperately, desperately clinging to anything that made me feel like my "old self."

I actually yelled at my T and says "WTH? Why would you say I have ptsd? I've never hidden under a table in my life!" Yep - such was my understanding of ptsd. Being told I wasn't brave and confident, but really just a scared kid? Was a major blow to who I thought I was.

The first thing you need to know is that PTSD and HUMA syndrome have a high comorbitity. (HUMA = Head Up My Arse.) any person with PTSD who doesn't admit that is lying.

Nope -- Nope --- not me nothing to see here..move along... LOL Ok, I couldn't even finish that because I was laughing so hard.... :) :)

 

[stressedone]

@Swift its communication, seeing each other, everything. Our relationship is essentially on hiatus until they decide if they can deal or not. It's been almost 6 weeks. They reply to texts in the shortest way possible only if its important, but otherwise I'm just trying to give space and see what happens. I'm not like blocked or anything.

 

[Swift]

Hey @stressedone, I've tried to get some background by searching your posts and I can't find stuff with my limited skills on my phone.

I'm not sure what's going on with you and your partner?

Like, are you the one that's been going out drinking with "mates", or are they?
Are they the one with PTSD or are you both?


My response changes depending on what's going on.
People with PTSD can be difficult, and I'm sure every supporter would agree that's putting it mildly.
I just don't know what you're asking or how I can help?

You're doing an amazingly brave thing by even trying.

Six weeks is a long time, though

 

[blackemerald1]

Yeah I agree with @Swift - 6 weeks of no contact is a long time. Too long if it was me btw

But you know you own tolerances.

I also agree that socialising with ppl who are not immediate family is probably 'easier' to some extent because a sufferer may not be so invested in their friends and certainly not as accountable as they are with family.

But I have also read on here where many sufferers cannot handle socialising with anyone at all... friends or family.

Sometimes it is the opposite - they can only socialise with family.

It is highly individualised. I don't think you can take my experience or knowledge of this one single aspect or anyone else's and safely apply it to your particular situation.

 

[stressedone]

They have the PTSD, I know some weekends they have to isolate totally but other times they do go out. Alcohol being the only thing that makes that even possible.
6 weeks is awhile, but to be fair I was pestering them occasionally until a week and a half ago, when no contact is what they want. This is the first shut-out and I'm a bit emotionally weak. They said they would contact me on their own eventually so that's what I'm waiting for.

 

[solemn93]

I have a question. My sufferer was initially traumatized by sexual assault a decade ago, but didn't have much emotional numbness until enduring a prolonged physically/emotionally abusive relationship a couple years ago. Her abuser used her empathy against her and "I had to shut that off to survive" is how she put it. Now she feels very upset about her new "wall" and lack of empathy. She told me she feels alot of guilt about her "I dont care right now" reactions towards other people. What she wants more than anything is to go back to how things were, but is that even possible? Shes shut me out now, and I figure she's feeling that guilt currently. Even when she felt comfortable towards me she still didn't have the "patience and energy" to deal with me some days and would have to "force" herself to have sympathy for me. Have any of you had success with this sort of stuff on your own? Or in therapy? I know everyone is different.

 

[somerandomguy]

What she wants more than anything is to go back to how things were, but is that even possible?

Not possible. Only a new normal is possible, but you cannot go back to being the same as before the trauma. The brain has physically changed.

Have any of you had success with this sort of stuff on your own? Or in therapy?

I sometimes lack empathy for others and have to be reminded to sympathize with loved ones. But if I shut someone out completely, they're gone. I don't feel anything about them anymore.

 

[solemn93]

One more question, she was almost suffocated as a baby accidentally, and cannot handle being leaned on or laid on, could it be part of the PTSD or something else?