General Supporters & Sufferers Of Combat Ptsd - May We Connect?

[Sweetpea76]

Hi Marion... my vet has PTSD and TBI as well. It makes things interesting at times :eek:

 

[Marion]

Sweetpea,
You are so right! Lots of ups and downs, so all we can do is take one day at a time. :)

 

[twopenny]

A friend and I talked today, about the difference between hub's combat PTSD, and mine (which basically comes from childhood rubbish).

I mentioned that I'm generally a lot more open and upfront about it than he is, and we wondered whether it may have to do with the fact that not only did he choose to put himself into a situation where he was liable to experience the trauma, he looked on the whole thing as being an adventure (admittedly, he was young, and this was at a point when war wasn't that likely, generally speaking).
We also wondered whether it has to do with the simple fact that for me, it stems purely from things that were done to me - that I'm not responsible for. Whereas some of hub's has to do with things he did, or was responsible for.

I've also noticed that his reactions (I imagine from years of instinct training) tend towards being more aggressive, or violent - mine tend more towards childish hiding behind things, or teenage style uber-tantrums. Also he clams up, I act out.


How I cope - well, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I completely melt down (though at least in part that's down to my own problems). Other times, by talking to friends - by having my own places that I go to, in which he plays no part (be that real or online).
The hardest lesson was not to ever take anything personally, because if he was being horrible or cold and shut down (and he really really can be both), it wasn't about me. Which is not to say learning to accept everything - you have to have definite boundaries. Also, learning not to walk on those dreadful destructive eggshells around him. Second hardest. Treating him as I would normally. Keeping things 'normal'. or as normal as they ever were - not changing everything just to fit around him and his mood swings, but to treat him like I always did. At the same time trying to keep things at home calm. Or at least safe. And not judging him. Home is where he comes and he's safe, where he can be fully himself, he doesn't have to lie about anything to protect himself, and he'll never ever be judged for things he's seen and done.

I fail at this regularly - I frequently get heavily on his nerves by asking constantly if he's ok, but that's about my stuff. I also always point it out if he starts shutting me out. He does this without realising he's doing it sometimes, and he sometimes does it to try to protect me from whatever's happening with him.

I've also wondered how much of the difference is not just down to the different roots, but to the male / female social conditioning - boys don't cry or talk about feelings, girls do.


Things that I do to try to help him - I actively encourage his hobbies, I bully him into seeing his friends and going away with them every so often, I cajole him to go for walks and do something physical, I nag him to phone his family, if he;s acting like an idiot about something I tell him so. I encourage him to watch war films and action films without me (it soothes him, they frequently, depending on the film, freak me out completely).

 

[Marion]

Hi twopenny,

Well, I wont be able to comment about the first part of your post because I really don't know the differences between the two PTSD's. I can only relate to my husbands combat PTSD. But I'm sure you'll get replies from other people who do have a better understanding.

It's so hard for me to remember that my husbands ugly mood at times isn't about me. Even when I am blamed for it, my therapist told me it's because I am the closest to him and I am the easiest target. I struggle with treating my husband as I always did before because SO MUCH has changed, but I can see how that would be important in the relationship. I like how you said that home is where he comes to feel safe, can be himself, etc. For my husband, he NEVER feels safe away from home so I do need to work on our home being a peaceful and happy place. It's easier said than done though, isn't it.

I used to ask my husband all the time if he's ok, especially when there are thunderstorms or when we're away from home. My therapist said that sometimes a code word can be helpful. Instead of having to ask him all the time, he can say the code word if he's feeling anxious or has a trigger and you'll know what to do at that point. It's important to acknowledge their feelings but we can't "fix" everyything for them. We can't make it all better for them as much as we'd like to.

In a normal male/female relationship, I think women do tend to be the more emotional ones. Men are normally the stronger ones and less likely to show their emotions through tears, etc. But....now that my husband has PTSD, he has shown much more emotions and crying than I do. Its actually been very difficult for me at times.

It sounds like you do try to keep your husband engaged in activities and everyday life which is good. The more "loving" you say it, the more he will be willing to do it though. My husband is not social, has not found his own hobbies he enjoys yet, does not make many phone calls unless he has to, and absolutely cannot watch war films. I know we have a long way to go, but everyone deals with PTSD a little differently. It's nice that we can all support each other just the same.