My best friend recently discovered that both of her boys, ages 7 and 4, had been molested by their older, teenage cousin (I believe he is about 14 years old). Outside of doctors, therapists, police and family that is directly involved, I am the only person she has told. I feel an enormous sense of responsibility to be there for her and support her. I love her and her boys...I want to be there for her. I'm having a difficult time not becoming consumed with anger over the situation and the way that some things are being handled. My friend is doing everything she can and should, but some things are beyond her control.
I think I'm going to write out more than you need but I need somewhere to dump this and process some of it. Feel free to skip down to the last two paragraphs.
About three weeks ago I got a text from my friend (L) saying she and her husband (J) needed some advice and could they pick my brain. Almost immediately she called me on the phone instead. L actually had enough thought and consideration to ask me how I myself was doing mentally before she dumps her problems on me. I tell her that I'm actually doing pretty good the past couple of months, don't worry about me, what kind of help does she need. She proceeds to tell me that she found out that morning that both of her boys had been molested by their older cousin. She knows something has to be done but she's trying to think things through and know her plan of action. What does she do first? What all needs to be done?
I tell her definitely take the boys to a therapist. She says that much she already figured out but what else should she do for them? I tell her I think she should also take them to their regular doctor, they might want to consider getting them an exam so they can make sure there was nothing more than the details/acts that her boys had already told her about. (Once they had accidentally told her about the event, they pretty much clammed up and didn't want to give her more details.) I also took the time to explain to her that the therapist and the doctor are mandatory reporters...as soon as one of them knows about the incident they are required to report it. She didn't know this and I wanted her to know what to expect. She needed to get help for the boys but as soon as she did there would be some things that would be out of her control.
We also talked about her nephew (her husband's brother's son). L and J were going to talk to his parents later that day and they were nervous because they didn't know how it would go. We both agreed that his parents needed to get him in with a therapist ASAP. I said that once the law got involved, it would probably work in his favor that his family was being proactive and was already trying to get him help. My friend absolutely wants their nephew to have consequences, she doesn't trust him and he will NEVER be allowed to be alone with her boys or any other children as long as my friend has anything to say about it. But he is their nephew and they do love him and they want him to get help. He's young enough that they feel like he probably can be helped (still won't be trusted with her boys). Given the circumstances, they wonder if someone has abused him at some point. Given the details that her boys have shared, she worries that this wasn't the first time he has molested someone.
They went and talked to their brother and sister-in-law later that night. They were understandably shaken and upset. They felt so bad about what had happened. The next day L & J took their boys to see their family doctor. The doctor called the police while they were still there and an officer came to the office and talked to the boys and got statements from their parents. He told them that someone from the police department would come to their home and follow up sometime in the next couple of days. The day after that L & J took the boys to a therapist and they've been seeing that therapist regularly since then. The next day an officer showed up at the nephew's home and took a statement from him.
It's been several weeks and no one has heard from anyone in the police department. My friend continues to help her kids and take them to a therapist. She worries that just when the kids have processed everything and put it behind them, that's when the police will show up again and make the boys retell and relive everything again. The therapist also feels very strongly that the things the boys have shared are the actions of someone who has done this before, that my friends' boys likely were not the first kids their cousin has molested.The nephew's parents haven't done a thing. Haven't taken him to a therapist. Nothing. They say they are waiting to be told (by the police, state, someone in authority over the situation) that they need to take their son to see a therapist. The nephew's mom has made some statements that completely minimize the circumstances...telling my friend that she knows what her son did was wrong but the nephew says that he didn't force the younger boys but rather it was a consensual game. (Even if the boys were old enough to consent to such a thing, which they are not, the details they have shared do not support this theory either.) And my friend has also found out that while she and her husband have known for a long time that their nephew takes meds for ADHD, he doesn't actually see a psychiatrist but rather his pediatrician gives him his prescription while admitting that this boy is his toughest, most complicated patient. If ever there was a kid that should be seeing a psychiatrist instead of just the pediatrician it is this kid.
I hear all of this and it makes me so angry. My friend is obviously upset and angry but I don't think she needs my anger added to the mix. When discussing these things a few days ago I was getting more and more angry...you'd have thought it was my kids who had been hurt. I want to be able to be someone she can continue to come to for support. How do I contain the overwhelming anger that I feel about all of this? And because this is such a difficult issue for me, I worry that maybe there is some really obvious helpful suggestion that I'm just not thinking of. Is there something more I can do, say, suggest to help my friend? Am I missing something?
I think I'm going to write out more than you need but I need somewhere to dump this and process some of it. Feel free to skip down to the last two paragraphs.
About three weeks ago I got a text from my friend (L) saying she and her husband (J) needed some advice and could they pick my brain. Almost immediately she called me on the phone instead. L actually had enough thought and consideration to ask me how I myself was doing mentally before she dumps her problems on me. I tell her that I'm actually doing pretty good the past couple of months, don't worry about me, what kind of help does she need. She proceeds to tell me that she found out that morning that both of her boys had been molested by their older cousin. She knows something has to be done but she's trying to think things through and know her plan of action. What does she do first? What all needs to be done?
I tell her definitely take the boys to a therapist. She says that much she already figured out but what else should she do for them? I tell her I think she should also take them to their regular doctor, they might want to consider getting them an exam so they can make sure there was nothing more than the details/acts that her boys had already told her about. (Once they had accidentally told her about the event, they pretty much clammed up and didn't want to give her more details.) I also took the time to explain to her that the therapist and the doctor are mandatory reporters...as soon as one of them knows about the incident they are required to report it. She didn't know this and I wanted her to know what to expect. She needed to get help for the boys but as soon as she did there would be some things that would be out of her control.
We also talked about her nephew (her husband's brother's son). L and J were going to talk to his parents later that day and they were nervous because they didn't know how it would go. We both agreed that his parents needed to get him in with a therapist ASAP. I said that once the law got involved, it would probably work in his favor that his family was being proactive and was already trying to get him help. My friend absolutely wants their nephew to have consequences, she doesn't trust him and he will NEVER be allowed to be alone with her boys or any other children as long as my friend has anything to say about it. But he is their nephew and they do love him and they want him to get help. He's young enough that they feel like he probably can be helped (still won't be trusted with her boys). Given the circumstances, they wonder if someone has abused him at some point. Given the details that her boys have shared, she worries that this wasn't the first time he has molested someone.
They went and talked to their brother and sister-in-law later that night. They were understandably shaken and upset. They felt so bad about what had happened. The next day L & J took their boys to see their family doctor. The doctor called the police while they were still there and an officer came to the office and talked to the boys and got statements from their parents. He told them that someone from the police department would come to their home and follow up sometime in the next couple of days. The day after that L & J took the boys to a therapist and they've been seeing that therapist regularly since then. The next day an officer showed up at the nephew's home and took a statement from him.
It's been several weeks and no one has heard from anyone in the police department. My friend continues to help her kids and take them to a therapist. She worries that just when the kids have processed everything and put it behind them, that's when the police will show up again and make the boys retell and relive everything again. The therapist also feels very strongly that the things the boys have shared are the actions of someone who has done this before, that my friends' boys likely were not the first kids their cousin has molested.The nephew's parents haven't done a thing. Haven't taken him to a therapist. Nothing. They say they are waiting to be told (by the police, state, someone in authority over the situation) that they need to take their son to see a therapist. The nephew's mom has made some statements that completely minimize the circumstances...telling my friend that she knows what her son did was wrong but the nephew says that he didn't force the younger boys but rather it was a consensual game. (Even if the boys were old enough to consent to such a thing, which they are not, the details they have shared do not support this theory either.) And my friend has also found out that while she and her husband have known for a long time that their nephew takes meds for ADHD, he doesn't actually see a psychiatrist but rather his pediatrician gives him his prescription while admitting that this boy is his toughest, most complicated patient. If ever there was a kid that should be seeing a psychiatrist instead of just the pediatrician it is this kid.
I hear all of this and it makes me so angry. My friend is obviously upset and angry but I don't think she needs my anger added to the mix. When discussing these things a few days ago I was getting more and more angry...you'd have thought it was my kids who had been hurt. I want to be able to be someone she can continue to come to for support. How do I contain the overwhelming anger that I feel about all of this? And because this is such a difficult issue for me, I worry that maybe there is some really obvious helpful suggestion that I'm just not thinking of. Is there something more I can do, say, suggest to help my friend? Am I missing something?
