Supporting A Suicidal When You Are Suicidal

[desiderata310]

This is going to sound very selfish and I can't help it.

I've been very suicidal since Monday. I'm trying but I really am just hanging on by toenails.
Last night my oldest son (who attempted three months ago) broke down crying that he feels like killing himself everyday. It resulted in a very honest talk .. monologue... about me telling him that it gets better and that I wasn't going to give up on him and telling him where I am with my SI.

It's a lie. But it's a lie I want him to believe. I don't think things DO ever get better. You just keep soldiering on and hoping for a little relief and some days are easier to deal with than others.

I don't feel capable of supporting him right now. I'm having trouble treading water myself. I sat and cried with him for a long time and told him all the things that I wished I could hear from someone else: that he's worth fighting for; that I am going to fight for him; that it gets better and he can be healthy; that this is temporary and transient; don't give up.

I can't turn him out. He's 21 and needs a place to stay for now but it's causing problems with the kids and the landlord. Finding housing around here is next to impossible. He's angry and fears that he made a huge mistake in coming out here with me. I'm afraid he is correct. But I lied again and said that I didn't think it was a mistake and that he had come out here to get better.

I think he might have been better on his own back in our old town.

I am a real failure as a mother.
I can't do this for him.

 

[Leah123]

Are you both in therapy? You both need treatment urgently.

And good job mom! What you said is valuable and I'm sorry you're struggling so much.

 

[desiderata310]

I am in therapy: 2x a week currently.
He is starting asap but he's set up for next month. It was the soonest anyone could get him in.

 

[arfie]

Ah, the tangled webs of mental illness... I know that feeling of being a failure as a mother all too well. My drive to be the best mother I can be is in constant conflict with my capabilities. The guilt of the impact my own illness has had on the lives of my sons (30 & 34) is equally constant.

I have no great words of wisdom for you. Only a gentle hope that you will not give up on either one of you.

An aside: I have no great words of wisdom, but I do have a solid opine that keeping it selfish makes it easier to keep it honest. An honest inventory of my personal capabilities makes it much easier for me to keep it real in the face of those maternal instincts that have me wanting to create a fairy tale safety net for my beloved sons.

Gentle support while you sort it through, desiderata. Ge gentle.

 

[Go Hungry]

(((((((((((desiderata))))))))))))) I don't know what to say, except keep doing what you're doing.

that he's worth fighting for; that I am going to fight for him; that it gets better and he can be healthy; that this is temporary and transient; don't give up.

All of these things are true of you as well, even if you don't believe them.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Depression is genetic. Many of my relatives are depressed as am I. We don't talk about it. I think we should, but so it goes. There are many suicides on my fathers side dating back several generations. I know we're all in therapy and medicated. I am the sickest because I was sexually abused.

I think it's very important to be vigilant about it. If your son needs immediate help, he needs to go to the ER. Has he been waiting for an appointment since his attempt?

I understand your feeling selfish, moms do that. You deserve care and support too. It's the best bet that you can be there for your children. I carry a picture of my children with me that has reasons not to check out on the back. One of my therapists and I wrote out strategies for getting through SI. For me, calling the sexual abuse hotline helps the most and I email my therapist.

I hope you both feel better soon.

 

[anthony]

The sheer act that you're lying to him, is some of the issue. You both need to be honest. There is nothing wrong with thinking you made a mistake by having him with you... it doesn't mean you want him to go, it's just a thought. Look at the actuals, not the "what ifs" of your thinking.

You need to keep having this discussion with him withou the lies, and if you do lie, then correct yourself immediately so it doesn't become a negative stressor for you. There is nothing wrong with honesty... even surrounding suicide. It is now doctrine in approaching someone with suicide to go for the totally honest and out there approach, because if you don't you risk there being things unsaid, or untrue, which create more doubt and thus suicidal thoughts and can take a person closer to suicide, which is exactly what you have described above.

You lie to him, you feel more suicidal, he will pickup on that, he will feel more suicidal... vice versa, and around the vicious cycle you both go.

 

[desiderata310]

True. I'm afraid it was a mistake but I'm afraid it was a mistake because I can't handle him. He's triggering the hell out of me. I can't handle his temper and his angry outbursts. I want very desperately to tell him to LEAVE. And that makes it a bad idea

I don't think the move was in and of itself was bad. I know it's not where he wants to be because he's not back in school this fall and I honestly think he NEEDS to sit out. I think the move has the potential to be very good for him.

I am not emotionally strong enough for this. I don't think him living with me is a good idea

That said I have encouraged him for weeks to find his own place and emphasized that he NEEDS his own space. I've said that since before he
Moved

 

[cupfish]

You owe it to your boy to share your circumstances. He is old enough. You are actually lucky to be able to offer him advice that is real, not a well person's platitudes. Sharing your knowledge makes you an awesome, compassionate mom. He probably has your same biophysiology, this is our reality. Work together toward wellness. My husband and I are both suicidal. When it's at the same time it's really hard, but I would rather talk to a loved one who gets it, not some well person spouting easy answers. You don't have the juice to be the wise, guiding parent, but you can team up with your boy and seek wellness. Maybe this is an opportunity for betterment. Don't hide your circumstances, he needs to not feel alone. Xxxx

 

[desiderata310]

I did share. And he got angry with me and the next day said I was treating him like an invalid. Pretty sure all I did was explain where I was and that I get it when he talks about being suicidal.

I don't think I can win right now. He's angry, depressed and hostile. He can't find a place to live and he's started acting out towards his brother and sister and calling them all sorts of ugly names and offended by very small things.

I've been put in a very difficult situation and I said as much to him and told him that he has to find a place and soon.

His anger is a huge trigger for me. I really didn't want to go home last night.