Relationship Supporting CPTSD spouse's boundaries in cutting off friendships

[gramo05]

Hello, new to the forum but thankful that this exists. Learning about CPTSD and realizing how my husband so perfectly fit the bill has been so helpful in understanding why he sometimes reacts the way he reacts even when he hates himself for it in hindsight. As someone who has gone through extremely minimal trauma compared to him, I'm still trying to catch up with understanding the importance of and reasonableness of his boundaries. I've always been a golden retriever personality who has never cut off any friendships while for him, I'm the only person currently who has a shot of not being cut out of his life in the forseeable future. We were really close to a couple who has been a huge support and helped us through hard times-- they were probably the only other two people he's really trusted and let in besides me thus far. Unfortunately, a misunderstanding happened that resulted in him cutting off ties with them. He feels completely betrayed by them and refuses to communicate with them anymore until they give a sincere apology (but we can't let them know that he wants an apology). He also basically gave me an ultimatum that I need to support him by also ceasing all communication with them (I've been pretty good friends with the wife) as well or else he'll take it as me choosing their side over his and feel so betrayed by me that he will leave me. I understand that people with CPTSD have a difficult time trusting people because they were abandoned and/or betrayed by caregivers who were supposed to be trustworthy. I want to show him that he can trust me, and that I'm absolutely here for him. But, I'm struggling with not being allowed to talk with these friends anymore-- is this toxic behavior/emotional abuse he's putting me through or just a matter of prioritizing my CPTSD husband's needs and boundaries to help him on his healing journey?

 

[sidptitala]

I want to show him that he can trust me, and that I'm absolutely here for him. But, I'm struggling with not being allowed to talk with these friends anymore-- is this toxic behavior/emotional abuse

I would say this is 100% toxic behaviour. And over time can very easily become emotional abuse if it becomes a pattern. No partner should be forbidding anyone from seeing friends, especially not over a misunderstanding.

I'm the only person currently who has a shot of not being cut out of his life in the forseeable future

This is a problem, and isn't about PTSD. It means he doesn't have the emotional maturity to handle conflict appropriately and that is an unrelated problem to PTSD. Will you have to defer to him in every misunderstanding he has with people- thus putting his needs 100% and yours 0%? If you don't defer to him about this will he cut you off too? Where is the part where you get to matter in this?

or just a matter of prioritizing my CPTSD husband's needs and boundaries to help him on his healing journey?

Please don't prioritise his needs! Prioritise your needs and that will be a great example to him of how to behave in a healthy relationship.

 

[nursenurse]

Waiting for others to chime in, but the big red flag that had me yelling “Danger Will Robinson!” Is him asking you to cut off your supports, in effect, in my eyes, isolating you. In the very least it shows a paranoia and lack of stability and trust needed in a relationship. Worst case it shows a controlling and potentially abusive side. Every relationship PTSD or not needs two people who have separate and healthy lives outside of the relationship. You say the CPTSD fits him. Has he been formally diagnosed? is he seeking help? Are you?

 

[gramo05]

Thank you for your replies and honest feedback! I feel like I should elaborate, though I'm not sure how much of a difference it will make-- the misunderstanding was that earlier last week, I had privately reached out to the wife of the couple that my husband and I are very close with about some fears and concerns I had with some impulsive decisions my husband made recently. I ended up telling her more about where he is in his mental health and more about his childhood trauma as we discussed his actions-- I had thought that that was okay to do with her because of how vulnerable he has been with them in the past. However, when I eventually told him about my and the wife's conversation, he reacted very poorly and felt betrayed because it crossed a boundary for him/broke his trust in having a private conversation about him that we were going to keep private even though they are as much his friends as they are mine. He felt that we intentionally isolated him and broke his trust in the conversation about him that we were not planning to loop him in eventually and that, if anything, she was encouraging division/separation from him (the latter is not true as much as a paranoid trauma response, I think). In our conversation, he made it very clear that his issue was not with my reaching out to her privately, and he would still encourage me to reach out to support. The issue was that my and the wife's conversation felt like a betrayal of trust because she has been as much a friend and support to him as she has been to me. Not sure if I'm making this clear. But, essentially, he wouldn't have had as much of an issue with keeping this conversation from him if I had reached out to someone else that he had not put so much trust in. After our discussion, I could see why he felt like his trust was broken, but when he confronted the wife about this situation, she doubled down and said that she didn't think we did anything wrong. And then she started to call him out on his toxic behavior in a way that only further triggered him and basically forced him, in his trauma response, to not want to give her and her husband access to us anymore.

It's tough because the reason I had reached out to her for support was because of how close they were to us both and so had more context and knowledge of his mental health and background. And they have shown us so much support in the past too. But I see how with how things have escalated, he can't get the support he needs from them currently without being majorly triggered. He has explicitly encouraged me to reach out to others for support-- both my therapist and others. However, it's just an issue of who do I go to about this when I had been leaning on this couple more so in the past due to their knowledge of the context and my husband's situation. Also, I can't help but wonder that once I do start confiding in someone else, if my husband would at any point make me cut off ties with them too if he feels threatened by them in some way. (I think he has an underlying trigger/paranoia of people wanting to take me away from him)

My husband knows he needs help. He has been diagnosed with PTSD, BPD, Bipolar, and anxiety. From what I know of his childhood trauma and what I've read, I believe CPTSD is more accurate than PTSD. He started trauma processing with his therapist a few months back. And, just earlier this week, before all of this blew up, he expressed his desire to start an IOP. He knows what he needs to confront and work on to change. I'm just disappointed because I thought this couple would play a big role in supporting him as he started this program, and that doesn't seem to be the case anymore. Even though I'm personally still figuring it out, I do believe I can find support elsewhere and that he won't stop me from doing so. But I don't know if that's temporary and if in the long-run, this toxic pattern of cutting me off from people who are concerned for my wellbeing will progress. From this incident though, I also now see how important trauma-informed support is because the way the wife reacted (though, I do believe came out of genuine concern and care) only exacerbated the trauma response (and, in hindsight, I see how she's done that to others in the past too).

 

[Alexanderplotz]

I would say that covert narcissist was a lot more likely a diagnosis of your husband than the mental health problems you list. He sounds extremely manipulative and controlling. You sound very trusting and compassionate, exactly the type that such a creature would hone in on. Protect yourself. Don't give up your friends and make sure you always have enough money to fall back on lest you need to exit this relationship quickly.

I would look into covert narcissism if I were you. It sounds like a much more likely diagnosis for your husband.

 

[Charbella]

ended up telling her more about where he is in his mental health and more about his childhood trauma as we discussed his actions

Yeah I’d say no one gets to tell my story. It’s totally fine for you to say I’m making poor financial decisions and that they affect you and things like that, everyone needs someone to lean on. BUT, if I tell you part of my trauma story and you tell someone else without explicitly asking me first, that’s a NO.

It sounds like you were giving context of why he’s making bad decisions in your opinion, that’s not your job. If she knows some of his story and feels he’s a jerk, needs to knock it off, shouldn’t be allowed access to the credit card…whatever it is, she doesn’t get my story to excuse my behavior. If she does get my story it’s because I want her to have it, either I told her or I told you you could tell her.

Could this be the issue? You may want to actually ask him specifically before assuming it’s not. He may not actually know that’s the part of the situation bugging him.

If not, then he either needs to trust you and trust that you talking to her is not you taking sides it’s you needing someone to talk to or he needs to get over it. You aren’t asking him to go out on a double date or game night, you’re looking for a friend. Either way, tell him it’s a boundary for you that he tells you who you can/cannot be friends with. He can ask you not talk about him, you can decide whether you honor the request.

 

[abovedown]

Hello, new to the forum but thankful that this exists. Learning about CPTSD and realizing how my husband so perfectly fit the bill has been so helpful in understanding why he sometimes reacts the way he reacts even when he hates himself for it in hindsight. As someone who has gone through extremely minimal trauma compared to him, I'm still trying to catch up with understanding the importance of and reasonableness of his boundaries. I've always been a golden retriever personality who has never cut off any friendships while for him, I'm the only person currently who has a shot of not being cut out of his life in the forseeable future. We were really close to a couple who has been a huge support and helped us through hard times-- they were probably the only other two people he's really trusted and let in besides me thus far. Unfortunately, a misunderstanding happened that resulted in him cutting off ties with them. He feels completely betrayed by them and refuses to communicate with them anymore until they give a sincere apology (but we can't let them know that he wants an apology). He also basically gave me an ultimatum that I need to support him by also ceasing all communication with them (I've been pretty good friends with the wife) as well or else he'll take it as me choosing their side over his and feel so betrayed by me that he will leave me. I understand that people with CPTSD have a difficult time trusting people because they were abandoned and/or betrayed by caregivers who were supposed to be trustworthy. I want to show him that he can trust me, and that I'm absolutely here for him. But, I'm struggling with not being allowed to talk with these friends anymore-- is this toxic behavior/emotional abuse he's putting me through or just a matter of prioritizing my CPTSD husband's needs and boundaries to help him on his healing journey?

Did your husband tell why exactly he felt that your conversation with the wive he felt like betrayal? As I understood from the your text that he had confided to the couple previously? Would he have been more comfortable if he had been present in the said discussion? Maybe he was afraid that you two would judge him for his trauma? In any case his reaction seems somewhat extreme for me. It's fine if he doesn't want to associate with the couple but imho you have full right to seek support for yourself. As @Charbella said he might also be totally ok for you to discuss the matters on general level ('he did some bad financial decisions..." Etc) but otherwise you might focus more how his actions make you feel and what kind of advice and support would benefit you do you have more resources to take of yourself and help your spouse.