Supporting other members to play mindgames with their own children?

[Fomeh]

The child you are speaking about is an adult and therefore responsible to take care of himself. My opinion.

I have found that there are two sides to every story and the truth.

 

[Karon]

The child you are speaking about is an adult and therefore responsible to take care of himself.

That is true. But, maybe that adult lacks the awareness to deal with anything in a reasonable way. You learn an idea of "normal" growing up. It could be that what you've always thought of as "normal" was not so normal after all. Often, people don't notice that until something happens to change how they see things. There are plenty of examples here of where that happens with PTSD. I'm pretty sure that's not the only place where it happens. And I'm pretty sure there are people who aren't literally suffering from a personality disorder who lack awareness that they're actually acting like jerks.

 

[Ufic]

My shrink was very adamant about the pitfalls of labeling behaviors - my own and others because it was time and energy wasted and detracts from problem solving. It is true that short of a diagnosis, labeling people is in my opinion detrimental and that there can be a good amount of that kind of thing here on the forum.

Someone else shared about a comparison to those who jump onto the "Yeah you were raped" or "Your SO is an abusive asshole" and I tend to agree, however I do think that subgroups can be valuable support providing they are not dysfunctional or become a "group think" kind of thing. From time to time earworms happen... it used to be "psychopath"... so for now here lately it's "narcissists". At one time there was a really long thread about empathy versus enabling on the forum or something like that and it was a good read. I can relate in some ways to the OP because personally if I care about someone I am often willing to do the more difficult thing or have the more difficult conversation... but people interpret caring and support in a wide variety of ways so if my viewpoint is not welcome... I learned and am learning when to walk away and take time to check my motives.

Personally, I am the daughter of a mother and father with strong narcissist tendencies however I neither was diagnosed. I am though, not a mother myself so I trend to dialogue a couple times and if that falls flat leave it be. I have been able to be successful to see that at times I have a difficulty or issues to filter some topics from mothers about their adult children from a neutral standpoint because I am an adult child of a parent that is very accusatory and has her own issues. So I withdraw from the person or the topic depending on my relationship with that poster.

 

[Irij]

Visciously attacking a person irreguardless is not what I think you are referring to as having a difficult conversation.
I repeat, every side has a story and the truth which does seem to be the first casualty in a case like this.

I tent to disagree with the original OP. I think that when one finger points at another, three more are pointing back at the accuser.

I think the truth in this case is the first causualty. Just my opinion.

So I will agree to disagree with the original OP.

 

[Irij]

I repeat however, an adult is responsible for themselves. A child is another ball game altogether.

 

[A D M I N]

Joeylittle here, again:

Discussing the broader issues of the parent-child dynamic, what it's like to observe it, how to support and when/how to challenge - all this is fine.

Specific commentary based on your assumption of who the OP is, engaging with some interpersonal squabble on MyPTSD - this is not fine.

I'm moving past thread-bans and onto temp bans if members can't refrain from that.

Please remember, I know who is posting what.

-JL

 

[Bizutu]

I have liked the opening thread......not because I am taking sides in whatever is going on within the forums ( I'm honestly oblivious) .....but because I hear this day in and day out in the workplace....when I dared to speak up for the absent grown child and offer an alternative viewpoint, I am totally boo hoo'd by everyone.....fair enough!.....go on feeding the ' victim ' and nothing will be resolved...your friendship will remain intact at the expense of their family relationships.......I know what I'd rather lose.

 

[Amu]

I'm assuming the OP is only talking about parents of grown children, since there aren't many parents of children under 18 that could be described as elderly.

I don't get the logic of accepting that parents are abusive and that children can guess that they may have a mental illness and having that guess and their observations of their behavior inform how they interact with them but it being off limits when it is a parent reacting to their child. A parent is no less able to get their adult child into a therapist's office than a child can their parents.

 

[Esa]

Personally I think there is a place for worrying that people we love may be suffering from a mental illness, and wanting to know how to deal with that on a personal level, and even how to support (or distance themselves from) that person as is appropriate to the circumstances.

If I was worried that my adult child had a terrible disease and they weren't getting help and it was impacting my relationship with them - why shouldn't I involve myself in that? Isn't that what we do for loved ones?

On the other hand, offering constructive support to anyone is most often not going to include encouraging all out conflict. There is rarely a situation where that is going to help anyone.

 

[Ijuni]

I truly believe that most opinions can be delivered kindly and with due diligence of respect. Diplomacy is rarely fordged within sweeping judgements nor bitting commentary. So perhaps compassion (which is different than enabling) for another's point of view might be mustered.

There are agencies that deal with investigations of abuse for children within my country, so perhaps this thread is also theming freedom of speech or processing one's feelings concerning tolerance or opinions of some parents' need sets.

I know as a parent myself of an adult, there are many feelings that have emerged through intense therapy for the right to be respected despite the stigma of my disability, economic position as well as equality in being heard within my female gender voice.

As well, I have not noticed any 'actions' by some of the mothers that I engaged within conversation being unkind or cruel to their offspring. Perhaps communicating those raw feelings between some of us and/or within our diaries allowed some of the hurt to process resulting in healthier choices through compassionate, wise from experiences and mature peer support.