Having had a traumatic 4 years, and a much more traumatic past 18 months I am struggling daily. Suicidal thoughts are never far away and apart from two serious attempts I am just about keeping them at bay, my question is am I just surviving as opposed to living and if that's the case as I believe it to be then surely ending this all now is surely a better option than just suffering through each day and night. BTW I am a 42 year old man and I have been diagnosed with CPTSD stemming from childhood sexual abuse...
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Survival or living a life?
- Post starter DaveyMac
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Mach123
VIP Member
It's survival for awhile. At least it was for me. Am I living now? Much more than I was. Is it good enough or could it be better? That's not a bad problem to have when you consider how you are feeling. I don't feel like that anymore, that's all I can tell you. For me, everything had to come out. It was that simple. It just had all to come out into the front of my consciousness as opposed to me disassociating it all the time. It's not all out still I guess in some ways but a whole lot of it is and I think feeling better is tied directly to getting it out. I have the same diagnosis BTW. I was about 42 when I first realized I had been abused. Before that I just thought I was very active sexually as a very young person? IDK. I don't know what I thought but I know I tried to tell therapists about it more than once and they said "oh that kind of stuff is normal." No, it's not. It's a process and it's not easy but I believe we can get better. I guess I think you should be on meds for suicidal ideations. I did not have any luck with meds but that is what they are for? I hope you feel better. No matter what I'm just not suicidal anymore.
Tornadic Thoughts
VIP Member
That's around the same age all the shit hit the fan for me, too. I thought I was managing fairly well up until then, but later realized I had just become used to the masks I had to wear for each occasion. After a while, they got too heavy to keep holding up and I had to dive deep within to sort out all I'd actually survived and let myself feel the feels that were attached to each incident. However, I was met with much incompetence in the places I was led to in seeking and was made worse rather than better in my attempts of getting help through insurance approved methods. I'm a female, now age 50, who also lived through childhood sexual/physical abuse along with many other versions of domestic and sexual abuse well into her adult years (30s).
Even when I feel I'm living life to the fullest and having the best of days, I realize my life has truly been one about survival, and it's hard to live in any way that shelves that fact. My mindset remains stuck there some days. Other days I'm able to breathe easier and open up to the rest of what life has to offer, other than dodging all the perceived and intentional bullets coming my way. I learned it takes a village to help me realize and get to my healthiest spaces, none of which are/were typical insurance approved methods. I also painfully learned the most recommended methods of mainstream help harmed me much more than it helped.
However, some of those very same methods have saved the lives of many others I love, so there can be great value in it, just not for my particular biology. I think I've learned most of all that no matter how we approach life, it's one big crap shoot. It seems to have been designed that way. We have to find some beauty in ourselves to find it in the world, and that's a hell of a lot harder than it sounds, especially after being used and conditioned as we were as children.
Learning about breathing techniques changed my life. I thought I already had the whole breathing thing down already, especially since I was still living and stuff, but deep breathing on purpose rocked my world via diaphragmatic breathing, rhythmic breathing, and alternate nostril breathing. Those practices, done daily, especially when I'm not stressed, left me no longer needing xanax for anxiety, or ambien for insomnia. Then I learned about more mindful consumption...mindful thinking...non-violent communication...loving kindness meditations...and things kept getting a bit better...from the inside out...with super rough days in between...just like before...but only different...if that makes sense. I spend much more time with nature now than I do with people. I require that connection to feel grounded, but never made time for it before. There's really no finish line that I've found regarding reaching a point of optimal health and remaining there forever without having to ever do anything else. It's a daily pursuit...often minute by minute. May you cross paths with things that bring you genuine heartfelt relief. Best wishes in your pursuits.
Even when I feel I'm living life to the fullest and having the best of days, I realize my life has truly been one about survival, and it's hard to live in any way that shelves that fact. My mindset remains stuck there some days. Other days I'm able to breathe easier and open up to the rest of what life has to offer, other than dodging all the perceived and intentional bullets coming my way. I learned it takes a village to help me realize and get to my healthiest spaces, none of which are/were typical insurance approved methods. I also painfully learned the most recommended methods of mainstream help harmed me much more than it helped.
However, some of those very same methods have saved the lives of many others I love, so there can be great value in it, just not for my particular biology. I think I've learned most of all that no matter how we approach life, it's one big crap shoot. It seems to have been designed that way. We have to find some beauty in ourselves to find it in the world, and that's a hell of a lot harder than it sounds, especially after being used and conditioned as we were as children.
Learning about breathing techniques changed my life. I thought I already had the whole breathing thing down already, especially since I was still living and stuff, but deep breathing on purpose rocked my world via diaphragmatic breathing, rhythmic breathing, and alternate nostril breathing. Those practices, done daily, especially when I'm not stressed, left me no longer needing xanax for anxiety, or ambien for insomnia. Then I learned about more mindful consumption...mindful thinking...non-violent communication...loving kindness meditations...and things kept getting a bit better...from the inside out...with super rough days in between...just like before...but only different...if that makes sense. I spend much more time with nature now than I do with people. I require that connection to feel grounded, but never made time for it before. There's really no finish line that I've found regarding reaching a point of optimal health and remaining there forever without having to ever do anything else. It's a daily pursuit...often minute by minute. May you cross paths with things that bring you genuine heartfelt relief. Best wishes in your pursuits.
ladee
VIP Member
I doubt there are many of us here that haven't contemplated and or acted on suicidal thoughts. You have come to the right place to be validated with how you feel. I feel @Mach123 summed it up quite well. We have to feel it and heal it... not just feel it. it's not an easy process. but if you read around the forum you will see many feeling the same way, and conquering that end all thought.
We don't know our true self, that is buried under the pain. We do find out that we are not what we had to endure. That does not define us. It's what we do to conquer the past that starts to define us... it takes courage and stamina, things we don't think we have, until we have to make choices... we do understand how you feel. and I personally am very grateful I didn't follow thru on any of those thoughts... I have a life I never dreamed possible...
You are not alone on this journey.... hope you stay around and we get to know you, and you know us. Hang on..... it does change.
We don't know our true self, that is buried under the pain. We do find out that we are not what we had to endure. That does not define us. It's what we do to conquer the past that starts to define us... it takes courage and stamina, things we don't think we have, until we have to make choices... we do understand how you feel. and I personally am very grateful I didn't follow thru on any of those thoughts... I have a life I never dreamed possible...
You are not alone on this journey.... hope you stay around and we get to know you, and you know us. Hang on..... it does change.
Not sure if you noticed, but you are conflating two very distinct questions. Namely, has life been worth living, and should I keep doing it. If your life was not worth living, that would only justify already having killed yourself. Seeing how you are still alive it looks like you have the answer to that question.
If you think your life should end, that kind of means theres no more happiness to be had. If you end it, all the happiness you've gotten so far must have been enough, cuz that's all you're gonna get. I always looked at suicide as more of a "no thank you I'm full" then some sort of middle finger to the universe. Just make sure you're okay dying with only this stuff in your head. Shit 42, not even half done, you sure the restaurant is that bad.
Sometimes when I look back and ask myself the questions you are asking us, I look back on my life and see what I got for my troubles. f*ck that! I put in so much work and got this?? Uh uh. I'm staying alive and getting my daily breaths worth. I suffered for years, not gonna quit before the payout.
TLDR
I didn't kill myself today. I won't know how smart that was until tomorrow.
It only feels like surviving, if you ignore your tomorrows.
If you think your life should end, that kind of means theres no more happiness to be had. If you end it, all the happiness you've gotten so far must have been enough, cuz that's all you're gonna get. I always looked at suicide as more of a "no thank you I'm full" then some sort of middle finger to the universe. Just make sure you're okay dying with only this stuff in your head. Shit 42, not even half done, you sure the restaurant is that bad.
Sometimes when I look back and ask myself the questions you are asking us, I look back on my life and see what I got for my troubles. f*ck that! I put in so much work and got this?? Uh uh. I'm staying alive and getting my daily breaths worth. I suffered for years, not gonna quit before the payout.
TLDR
I didn't kill myself today. I won't know how smart that was until tomorrow.
It only feels like surviving, if you ignore your tomorrows.
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