Survived Deposition

[Heather]

I thought it felt good? I thought I was having hot flashes because I was waking up in the middle of the night feeling very warm but my doctor and I figured out that I had three dogs and a cat sleeping in my bed with the door closed and so I wasn't having hot flashes. I was going through pet-a-pause. I sleep with the window open now.

Gloria -- you are too funny :D

 

[Gloria]

Thanks Heather - just blonde! :p You have a great weekend!!!
Hugs,
Gloria

 

[mamachick]

You are all hysterical. Feel good hot flashes, milking goats, misplaced list and oh yes, the junk drawers-the catch all.

Once in a while I go through those drawers and its like hittling a little jackpot. ( an unopend 4 pack of chaptick, gum gone stale or some unopened tic tacs, pens in the pack still, ah-shoelaces-but I finally just pitched the untiable shoes, new super glue, odd little light bulbs, batteries, toothbrush covers etc) All the little wal-mart purchases that came from not having a list and not knowing where to put the stuff when I got home with it.

My friend threw a load of whites in the washer and then remembered she wanted to throw the new 12 pack of tube socks in the washer that she had just bought. She ran upstairs and got them, took them straight to the basement to the laundry area, opened the woodburning stove and threw them in-then stood there like a deer caught in headlights.

Maybe we just have a bit too much on our minds. Lol

 

[Gloria]

I think I throw things away without thinking. Same thing, went through my junk drawer and found all sorts of things that I had bought because I thought I was out of. I cleaned on my garage a week ago and found 20 tubes of caulk, twenty paint brushes and tons on duplicates of screwdrivers and other things. Why did I buy them? Because my garage was such a mess that when I tried to find something I couldn't find one so I went to buy another. Well, my garage is totally organized now to the point that I put all my screws and nails in a labeled containers. Everything is totally organzied and labeled.

This lawsuit and the police assault did put a damper on my weekend even all this time. One of the symptoms of PTSD is that you don't think that the world is a safe place. Well, I had all the other symptoms of PTSD but I never really thought of the world as an unsafe place until the assault. I know how Brat feels. I was a good, law biding citizen so I was never afraid of being arrested much less beat up by police. Now, after almost three years, not only have the police not been accountable. I feel even more violated because they got all my mental healthy records and put me through the deposition. What if I had a five year old daughter drown in the pool and ended up going into a mental hospital and seeing a psychiatrist or therapist for years because of that? Then I got assaulted by the police? Well, I could be psychologically tortured by my own guilt for not watching my child. It could happen to anyone, anytime, anywhere and that's why I'm scared. I thought I was exempt. I was never afraid of being punished by the police.

I know it is more difficult for me because of my alcoholic and out of control father. The lucky children in the world have parents that will punish them for staying out late or not doing their homework or something tangible. But the unlucky ones (like me and many others) never know when they are going to be beaten because the parents aren't rational and are out of control. I remember when we brought home our report cards if we didn't get straight A's, we were beaten. Well, one day I brought home my report card with straight A's and my father took one look at my smiling face and beat the heck out of me for "thinking I was smarter than him". As I got to be an adult, I got rid of that fear. I learned to manage myself and knew if I paid my bills, got to work on time, obeyed the law, avoiding getting in relationships with unhealthy men, I was not going to get beat up. But that isn't true since I got beat up by the police for sitting on a garage floor. Knowing that they completely ignored the band members smoking crack on the porch every Sunday, it doesn't make sense. I don't feel safe in the world any longer. I'm trying to learn how to again.

 

[mamachick]

Gloria-I have always been afraid, or at least skeptical of police. When I was 3 or 4, they came to my house for a domestic fight between sisters. They must have said they would haul them to jail if they had to come back and sister smarted off that she was babysitting me. They said "we'' take her to jail too" I remember being so scared.

In my twenties, when my ex broke in or beat the crap out of me, they never were threatening but also were no help at all. Just acted as though it inconvenienced them to take the call. ( I am learning that this is my interpretation rooted in childhood.) Sexual comments and ignorance was real by anyones standard and inappropriate.

After working with women, I learned how they had to provide favors to get decent and fair treatment-which really makes me mad. It is very common, of course not all cops but too many. Anyone that has read my report says the same, if I were a man-this would never have happened. Even though I have never been on the other side of the law, many of the cops know me from my job, and a couple personally.

This particular cop said things -"you may have an education and training but you dont know bla bla" He probably feels inferiour to strong women, which he evidently thought I was-not knowing that I had left work and was trying to deal with my syptoms even though I did not know it was ptsd.

So I have a long history of not trusting cops-in that-maybe I have brought some of this about and am suppose to do something about it. I read the book "the Secret" about intention and the power of attraction. I am sure I need to empower myself through this-dont know how but am learning.

 

[Gloria]

Brat,

It's hard to get over a distrust of men. I am dabbling with internet dating. I say "dabbling" because I only check my messages once a month and I have to communicate with someone for months (and talk to them on Skype) before I meet them. Some women I know who do the internet thing go out three times a week and meet someone without even talking on the phone. I feel not ready for a relationship until I get over this police thing. I do think that confronting your fears is the the best way to get over the PTSD. They say you are only as sick as your darkest secret.

Hugs,
Gloria

 

[mamachick]

Me too-I dabbled but cant take nothting very serious. Kept me from isolation but not my answer......

 

[Gloria]

Well, I should have all my depositions done by the 19th of June and hopefully it will be over but going to trial doesn't scare me in the least after the deposition. 100% of the men that I met on the internet revealed themselves after I met them to be weird in some very significant way. It can show up in their first message to you or sometimes after they spend a weekend at your house. But it may not be the internet. Like Annie wrote no one is perfect and we all have flaws. All I know is that my son doesn't accuse me of being too fussy anymore since I dated the man that he picked for me who was shorter than me, bald and had crossed eyes with thick glasses. My son kept accusing me of judging men by their appearance and he said "Mom, at your age you can't afford to be fussy". He said that to me when we were sitting in a restaurant and the guy in sitting in the booth next to us came over to me. He was the ugliest man that I ever saw but the reason I was repulsed by him was that he was ease dropping on our conversation and had this attitude like I was desperate.

I have to do so much work on the farm. I just want to get through this month. I hope you are doing well!

Hugs,
Gloria

 

[Gloria]

I finally broke down and called the psychic. It's too expensive and haven't called to talk to one in a couple years but she was did predict that my ex would betray me and hurt me like no man had even hurt me before and also the death of his friend and my ex's misfortune. When my ex contacted me almost two years ago to tell me he filed bancruptcy, I thought that her first two predictions had come true but when my ex's friend died suddenly, I decided that she might really have some insights. I know I am scientific by nature and although I do believe in God, don't believe in a lot of foolish superstitions. I also know for a fact that most people who claim to be psychic just pick up on your smallest gestures, appearance and remarks. So to get an accurate psychic, I had to either give misleading remarks or gestures or give no information at all. This woman passed my test.

So I am looking for a happy outcome to this although I do not know for certain if I will win the case. Also, the scum that I was in a relationship for five years might very well be happily manipulating and using a new woman which doesn't bother me in the least as this will mean that he will never come back in my life again. I wish this would have happened long ago. So I will wait and see how this turns out but the end is soon. I saw my therapist as well as my doctor. Both of them think that everything that I have gone through will soon be over. I am grateful for that. After the nightmares, the terror, the drama, the stress of this whole thing, any outcome will be good. AND I have already received a response from one of the packets sent to politicians. So I love it! I post my picture and my story and I am not ashamed of what happened to me. I had no control but by being brave enough to step forward and tell my story, I know that it will have some impact. I am not unreasonable. I don't think that there will be laws changed just because of my case. But I know that if everyone would stand up like I do, then change will come. I may have planted a seed and then someday may grow where people with PTSD will never go through the psychological torture by lawyers.

So the the few weeks, my vegetable garden is coming in nicely because of all the rain and I will concentrate on fixing up my farm and riding my tractor when things dry up a bit.

 

[Gloria]

I am staying strong. I want this whole thing behind me. I get to see a psychiatrist (paid for by the police attorneys) to examine me. I am looking forward to this. Because if he is an ethical person, I know he will understand what I have gone through and how much it affected me.

I really don't know exactly what they said at the deposition. Everyone at the gym are asking me why and how I lost so much weight. I really am thin now. I lost five pounds last week but that was when the depositions were and on top of that the area was hit with one of the worst storms so I lost power.

I think it's almost over.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Hang in there! Dealing with any kind of lawsuit is tortuous, and it sounds like you've had a horrible time getting justice! I love your positive outlook even during your stressful times! A quote I live by "Never give up"!

I hope you do get an ethical psychiatrist!

Have a blessed week!

 

[intothelight]

Gloria,

Be proud of yourself for going through the deposition. That was really hard for you and you did really well.

Deb