Survived Deposition

[mamachick]

Gloria, you are not alone. This did not happen to you because you are loud sometimes or any other reason. You got cops with attitude. I was 50, never been in trouble for anything, never even a speeding ticket. I worked for a domestic violence agency for 8 years-am totally non violent-am a problem solver-have a masters in counseling and can resolve issues. I had a boyfriend who wanted to get in a pissing match. I had always given in since I had a head injury. I didnt stand up for myself. When I did-I was taught a lesson-dont. I was not told what I was arrested for. They charged obstruction which was dropped. I had worked with magistrates and prosecutors professionally-they never took me in (someone told them to bring me to magistrate so I was never booked or anything) Not only did I work for this agency for peanuts, I often volunteered my time and helped not only abused women and kids, but professionals. I cant do anything about it-but I am behind you 100 percent. You did nothing to deserve such treatment. Many officers are mentally impaired just like the general population. This needs to change.

 

[Gloria]

OMG! I never even got a speeding ticket, totally non-violent and just took a stand one day because my ex sent me a check and put stop payment on it and then instead of paying me back, he left a trailer blocking my driveway and I couldn't move it and he wouldn't answer his phone so I went to his house. You know he wouldn't give me a sharp object like a metal music stand if that coward had any thought that I might hurt someone. Yet he told the police that I owned a gun and that I was dangerous. I am spending money that I don't have to make copies of magazine articles, pictures of my injuries, letters from doctors, etc. The cost of the envelopes and mailing is more than I thought. And my lawyer told me that it won't do any good. I'm mailing one of the packets to the judge who is handling the case. He should be aware of what happens before the case comes before him. So this is my small part to try to change things. If nothing comes of it, then at least I tried. At first I kind of felt proud of myself for not breaking down during the deposition but now I feel angry that not only did the police beat me up but then the lawyers mentally tortured me.

Well, I don't know how long it took you to get over it but I think I might have forgotten this whole thing or felt better about it at least if they didn't arrest me or they apologized or something but they this is a trigger. The lawyers are trying to portray me as crazy and a liar. How many times do I read here on the forum how someone is manipulated by another person to think that they are crazy so the person can control them and abuse them. It's typical. When a man wants to control a woman, he makes her think that she's not pretty, smart or sane. Since I've been out my unhealthy relationship, I know I've lost 15 pounds but it seems that I suddenly became attractive and I'm older than when I first met him so how could I possibly get better looking, smarter or rational? It was because I get brainwashed and coming from an abusive childhood, it isn't that hard to do. Thank you for sharing your story.

Do you still have nightmares about police? Are you still afraid of police?

Hugs,
Gloria

 

[mamachick]

Im not over it. I have nightmares about the police frequently. Like you, I would not call 911 if my as$ were on fire. My 20 yr old daughter was traumatized my this as well. She saw the officer stick a gun in my face. I feel guilt for that, anger, humiliation( I was paraded around people I use to work wit with my pj bottoms falling off and my breast exposed), stupid, betrayed, embarrassed. I tried smoking pot for symptoms but that didnt help either. I continue to have physical injuries and have had one surgery and soon one on my hand that was injured. Meanwhile, I get the ambulance bill every few months that I refuse to pay. With no previous psychiatric history, I ended up on psych 10 days after the incident. I overdosed from xanax and pain meds given as a result. I could not eat or sleep. I woke with night terrors and took more xanax. I have a lawsuit against the attorney if I decide as he was irresponsible in taking the case and changing his mind on the very last day of filing (2 yr statute), probably one of the cops buddies. That is how this small town works. There is a gal in Ohio who succeeded in a suit if you google Hope Steffy you will see.
I am getting a little better though. I no longer want to die and that is a good thing. I have been through a lot in my life but always had a will to live but six months after the incident I could not cope at all and attempted suicide.

All I can say is that no pig is worth that and I will survive and maybe success is the best revenge. I dont even want revenge. I just want officials to hire mentally stable people. The wont though-they want cheap labor.

 

[Gloria]

Thank you for sharing your story. I overdosed not on real medication but over the counter sleeping pills. I only took a few but in my mind at that time, I just couldn't face the deposition. Yea, no one wants to alienate the police. I wanted to take a lie detector test so I contacted a lie detector place in my area. They got really weird and rude and said they wouldn't do a lie detector test on me because they had friends on that police force. So like an idiot, they recommended another guy to a lie detector. This guy was a cop! I sat down for less than two minutes and he sat me down and told me I was lying and intimidated me so much that I just agreed because I was frightened. I had to meet him alone (???) in a hotel room. It was a setup. I subsequently took two lie detector tests and passed with flying colors but what good?

Writing letters and remembering this is causing me severe PTSD symptoms.

I know what you mean about cheap labor. I found out that the cop that did most of the damage worked at Blockbusters or Best Buy for $8 an hour before becoming a cop. Yea, so he was pee-on for years and then gets a little power and let's it go to his head.

But we have to forget about this whole thing. I have the poem from Invictus on my refrigeratory and I also had it in front of me when I was at the deposition. To summarize, this is the poem that kept Nelson Mandela sane during his incarceration. It tells of being put through Hell but still no one make me bow me and destroy indomitable spirit. They say the prisoners that still had their integrity didn't fall a part. There is evil in this world. I always try to think that God made me a very good person and I might have been able to do so much more good but the devil has done everything possible to destroy me I'm still here. Fighting evil is very hard because greed, power, lust, drunkeness are all very powerful.

Hugs,
Gloria

 

[Gloria]

I know I'm gettin better because I don't think I'm crazy any longer. It comes and goes. Boy! Am I sensitive to being called crazy or a liar! I told my son that he didn't live up to his end of the bargain of the bargain because he was going to quit smoking if I quit drinking (and he's cheating). He said I was lying and I really didn't like that. It's not hard for me not to drink now that this deposition is over. I was drinking along with the klonopin. I used to mix alcohol with something that would drown out the taste (because I hate alcohol) and drink it exactly before I wanted to go to sleep. I know it wasn't smart. I over-did it at times but I was using alcohol as a sedative not because I enjoyed it. Although I get a taste for a margarite sometimes. Maybe my son thought I was cheating because he saw the margarita mixer and blender out in the morning sometimes. I know this may sound crazy but I love to drink frozen margaritas to get that "brain freeze" affect. I just love it. There was no alcohol in it. God! If I drink a coke (pop, soda in other areas), I feel like I am taking drugs. I am not used to caffeine and sugar and carbonation.

But it does get easier. I did have a nightmare and got my PTSD symptoms for a day but during that time, I was completely aware of what PTSD symptoms I was having and cognizant of what I could do minimize them. I got through it. I don't know I will ever get rid of my symptoms completely but in the last year with the help of this forum and a good therapist, good friends, support from family, I don't think I will ever be suicidal again. I catch myself going down that path and stop myself now. I'm not crazy anymore! Even if the lawyers say that, I am now seeing how society has such stigma for things. I know that other people get creamed all the time in the press and in the courts. Now, I am a lot wiser.

 

[Gloria]

Mailed my packets. It was very triggering to see pictures and touch the stuff. It is so toxic. Now I'm terrified.

 

[Heather]

Keep on keeping on Gloria. YOU CAN DO IT.

Thinking of you:)

Hugs. Heather

 

[anni]

Please don't be terrified, Gloria. It's an awful way to live. Maybe look around for reasons not to be. I had a very odd but reassuring thing happen to me yesterday. It had been a bizarre, disturbing day on a few fronts. All I wished to do was get home, process some things, re-group, find a moment to know that the bad out there wasn't going to win. I puleed the car up in the driveway and when I opened the door and stepped out there was this absolute explosion of big, yellow butterflies ALL the heck all around me. There must have been 20- I thought I'd stepped into a scene from a Disney movie. They just flew around for a good minute, too-like a pretty cloud or something, almost touching the face and hair-so surreal. I know a 'sign' when it flutters in my face so just watched the event. Well, I can't walk around asking God to SHOW me he's there and then not acknowledge the gentleman when he's nice enough to show up so honestly did feel much, much better, you know. Yes, I realize this sounds terribly like some Hallmark card so sorry but I wish you your cloud of butterflies today to take your terror away. Maybe you're just supposed to share mine, who knows?

Much Hugs, Gloria.

Anni

 

[Gloria]

Dear Annie,

I'm so happy that you had a cloud of butterflies. Yes, I do believe that God does something like that. Once the day before I was to have a dangerous surgery, I saw the best rainbow I ever saw in my life. In fact, cars were stopping and people were coming out of their houses with cameras. I have been so blessed that I have seen the Northern Lights and I was in Northern Canada about 15 years ago when we had one of the best meteor showers I ever saw. I was sitting in the middle of the wilderness and saw fireworks all night long. Truly amazing.

I know I am less afraid today. It was stepping out of my comfort zone to mail the information. First of all, it included my psychologist summary of my abuse history (which now will be read by every Senator, Congressman or news media that takes the time to read the information). It's standing up to the police. I didn't stand up to them when they beat me up. I was too afraid. Having a history of abuse, I have very much the Stockholm syndrome so when I was in the squad car, I couldn't stop talking and trying to make jokes and trying to make friends with the guy that beat me up. It goes back to my childhood. If my father was in a rage, I would distract him by getting him a high ball and being pleasant and funny and cute so he wouldn't hit my brother and sister and mother. I didn't care if he hit me because it hurt me less to get hit than to hear my brother or sister scream in pain.

Well, when I asked my lawyer if I should try getting media attention or writing politicians, he told me that it would do no good. But who is going to open up a packet with pictures of my injuries and information and just ignore it. Somebody is going to listen. BTW, I now have contact with two other women who have had similar experiences. At first, it was too difficult to read about their experiences because it triggered me but then when I heard how they reacted it, it makes me feel more sane. I actually did think that my reaction to the events was extreme. I thought that I should have just brushed it aside and gotten on with my life. But no....the world changed forever the day the police assaulted me. I don't feel safe in the United States. I wouldn't safe in Mexico either because from what I read, the police actually work with the drug dealers. I like Canada. There are no hand guns allowed and no death penalty. I could be wrong but Canada might have nice police officers.

Okay, my sense of humor also. I wouldn't be afraid of the police in Ireland either because when I was there, the police were in the pubs getting drunk and dancing and acting silly with their uniforms on. So I wouldn't be afraid of the Irish police unless they would make me die laughing. They were soooo funny!!

Tomorrow, my ex does his deposition so we will see what the loose cannon says.

 

[mamachick]

In my neighborhood, the cops hang out at Sheetz. That is just because we dont have a Dunkin Donuts.

I read some articles recently that the police video some stuff sometimes, like the backseat of a cruiser. Sometimes video tapes come up that confirm police abuse.
More recently, people, sometimes bystanders of police abuse (like Rodney King case), have come forth with video of someone being abused by police. Now the police can charge that person who video's the incident with a FELONY.
They call it something like unauthorized survailance. The laws have not caught up with the fact that we all have cameras on our phones.

Locally, one police officer who I knew forced women into acts but his chief would not address, got caught on camera at a Sheetz. It was the store camera and allowed. He was finally fired.

However, if I am at dinner with my friend and we go to our seperate cars, and I see an officer approach her and she is cooperative in conversation, then he starts assaulting her, calling it obstruction or resisting-and I whip out my phone and video, I can be charged with felony and do serious time. The only purpose is to prevent citizens protection from police. Most people on a jury tend to believe police-that is fact, even though I think more are questioning. Video proof can be confiscated and the person charged is in more trouble than the one arrested for nothing. Can google -video police now illegal, video police reusult in felony charge, etc. Where is justice in this?

 

[anni]

Well, you know how I feel in general about the police- I still have to refrain from hugging one when seeing them on the streets. :) I think it makes it even more important that the schmucks out there be brought to the attention of folks who can DO something about it. I'm sure there are other areas where it's the way it is where you are, and the other post here-how awful and what a travesty!! I was just fortunate to have lived in an area where the police not only protected abused women, they went the extra step of ensuring the *sswipes involved at least were arrested and had zero luck within their end of the system throwing their weight around. Your letters will be read, my dear- words ARE effective. Someone or a bunch of someones who also believe as the law enforcement officers I encountered believe will be enraged-they'll have the power to DO something. I SO realize it doesn't help your present symptoms, but oh my, what you're doing is such a brave thing which will benefit so many, many others.

Your loose cannon will really flush himself down the toilet today, you know. Those types believe so completely in their power to BS pretty much everybody that they sefl-destruct in the end. They forget their original lies, become belligerant, then hostile, and end up blowing themselves up. I'm sure he'll speak a great deal of harmful nonsense about you, but it's going to come across as just nasty ravings in the end. You were there- you know how tough this thing was and you had only the TRUTH to tell these people. Having to keep track of a ton of lies is going to be flatly impossible. He's just not smart enough.

The butterflies were back yesterday!

Hugs, my dear!

Anni

 

[Gloria]

Dear Brat,
I am going to include that in my the packages remaining. So even if someone whipped out their phone and took a picture, they would be the one who get arrested? This is my fear. Up until now (that is after I called the police chief and complained), my lawyer was the one going after the guys. My lawyer is really interested in one thing - money. I told that to him to his face because if I were a lawyer and my client's brother and sister committed suicide and my client was becoming suicidal because I told her that these lawyers were going to bring up all her traumas at a deposition, I would have either not gone with the deposition or contacted the judge (which I begged him to do).

So I am soooo good at sticking up for others - my son when he was in the Army. Everyone on his Army base knew my name and shivered in their boots that my next mass mailing would target them. I stood up for a woman at the ACOA retreat. As a child, my father tried to drown my cat to punish me when I was young (only 100 pounds for sure) and for the first time in my life, I beat the crap out of him and made him stop. Well, after that it was a brutal war and hatred between me and my father until he finally died a couple years later. But every time that he went after my brother or sister or mother, I was in his face. Did it stop him from hurting someone else? Yes, it sure did and that was more painful for me than anything. Yet, I stood there and let him punch and knock me out and beat the crap out of me without standing up for myself. Therapists tell me that I didn't think my pain mattered. Whatever! It's so hard for me to stand up for myself. The first time I stand up to police (well, actually I was sitting doing nothing), I got the crap beat out of me. Hearing other's stories that they reacted the same way and felt the same way I did is mind boggling. Just as the sex abuse forum, I thought I was the only one that reacted in a certain way. So now I am starting think that if other people react the exact same way to the same stimula, then I must not be crazy. That helps me a lot.

Dear Annie,
Your butterflies are your karma!! Yes, you have great karma! When I was a child and when I am in a good place, I have birds land on my head, butterflies land on my head and wild deer come up to me. That's why I love animals so much - they have a sixth sense. You know that a horse figures your out in the first thirty seconds he sees you - even before you get on his back. When I do equine therapy, my students are usually depressed individuals so their body language is slumped shoulders and head down and shuffling feet. I know this may sound ridiculous to others who are not horse whisperers but before they go near the horses, I make them walk head up, shoulders back and confidant because I tell them if the horse thinks that you are lower on the pecking order than he is, then he will not listen to you.

Of course, when they are not on my horses backs, my horse (Karma especially who was severely abused) will be so sweet and gentle to an abused child or adult but let some cocky ass come up to him and he shows them no such response. It sounds like you are doing better Annie. I hope the cards help. They help me! I carry one with me - something that I need to remember that day and keep looking at it. Every little bit helps.

My lawyer told me that if someone doesn't show up for a deposition, they will get arrested. But somehow the loaded cannon got his cancelled. The only excuse that I know of is illness but he cancelled before the 20th because that's when my lawyer mailed the letter. Maybe he has a court date for something else?:oops: That would be too bad!

Annie and Brat,
You have picked me up this morning. I have a nice looking man who is a very devout Christian coming to stay with me this weekend. I have no doubt that he will not try to push himself on me and will be a perfect gentleman. I am buying new pillows for his bed. I hate to say this but my kitten was peeing on the pillows so I had to throw them out and cover the bed in plastic until I broke her of not using the litter box. I got this wheat litter and it worked - no more using beds and rugs for her litter box. That cat will drive me crazy! The last guy I dated from the internet said he was 5'7" and I know what that means. Men don't have any sense of space and time even though their spacial skills are supposedly better than women. They think three inches are six inches and one minute is one hour if you know what I'm talking about??? Yes, my mind is in the gutter. So the last guy (who was 5'7" was actually 5'3". So when this guy put down his height at 5'8" and complained to me once that all the women he met were giants, I thought he was short but he's not. He is taller than me with flats but he loves it when I wear heels.

I had so much fun with him so I am looking forward to this weekend. I am putting him on my horse and we can ride. We are going fishing and to the health club and the community pool. I don't even feel that I am ready to date but he was married for 25 years and doesn't want to go through another divorce. His last wife had serious mental illness problems and was hospitalized most of the marriage. So to him, I am a walk in the park! Anyone with PTSD does need someone who will understand and tolerate the symptoms - not ignore it or make fun of them.

I'm off to the health club. It's so cold and rainy here that I can't use my tractor or my new power washer. I'm dying to get out there and get things done. I inserted a picture of Oscar, my kitten. She's something else!

Hugs,
Gloria

So have yourself a wonderful day!! Butterflies!