Switching Sides?

[Crow]

I've not read much in the relationship area here. My last partner died unexpectedly ten years ago and I just got back into dating. So I hope this is on topic....

I'm in my mid 40s. My mom was crazy and at about age 4 or 5, cut my long hair and dressed me in my brothers' hand me downs. Anything feminine was punished - to the point I couldn't shave my legs until I left home.

I was f'd up as a teen but did date the guy who had been committed for a year. I never disliked boys but I was more asexual. Then one day in college I decided I was gay. Every one else seemed not surprised.

Three weird, moderately abusive relationships later - with more time out of relationships - I'm sitting here feeling whole and even healthy sometimes and I'm finding myself so totally attracted to men. I just about fell out over a guy wearing Gucci cologne tonight. I NEVER notice that stuff.

So my question I guess is have you heard of people changing sides when they worked their way through therapy? And how do I approach the dating world with men after two decades of being gay and not dating most of that time?

It feels kinda good to be having these kinds of questions.......

 

[Fadeaway]

I am happy that this is a positive for you.

And how do I approach the dating world with men after two decades of being gay and not dating most of that time?

Without expectations and total trust in your own judgements. If something feels right, roll with it, if it doesn't feel right, then trust your instincts and respond accordingly. Most importantly is to walk into it knowing you deserve to be happy and someone who deserved to be cherished by anyone you enter into a relationship with and treated as such.

 

[Friday]

It's been a few years since I took my sex & sexuality credits (I could not go to college without taking these classes. Just couldn't.)... That said, from what I remember on the sociology side of it

- Bisexuality in women often presents as a switch instead of more midline on the continuum. Instead of dating both men & women, or being attracted to both men & women at the same time... A lot of women seem to slide up and down the scale. Meaning 80% attracted to Men for years or decades, switch, 80% attracted to Women for years or decades. The switch can happen once (usually peri-menopause), or be a fairly regular occurance, or can be triggered by an outside event or stressor (trauma, falling in love, divorce, death of a loved one, etc.).

- Current theory is most of us are actually bisexual to at least some degree, with a tiny minority either 100% hetero or homosexual.p. But it's an uneven double bell-curve. So ditto tiny percentage equally attracted to both sexes at the same time, while most people are grouped on either end, with the majority heavily populating the mostly hetero part of the scale (heteroflexible!). They can find the same sex attractive, but have very strong preference for the opposite sex. As opposed to true hetero/homo percentages which have absolutely no physiological response to the other sex at all. Same response physiologically as when looking at a tree or a rock or a kid or a dog. Zero sexual response whatsoever. How the scale looks is something like below. Tiny minority, some, tiny minority, most, tiny minority. Aka gay, mostly gay, bi, mostly straight, straight.

^___//\\__________^______////////\\\\\\\\\___^

The studies were pretty fascinating, since they used pupillary response, engorgement, secretions, and other factors we don't really have any control over, to determine attraction. So most people who Identified as gay/straight actually landed somewhere else on the scale. Near where they identified, most of the time, but not as absolute as they self identified. But the exact thing you mention was giving some researchers fits: because a whole lot of women self identify as straight & switch in their 40s/50s, or identify as gay & switch in their 40's/50's. But until they can test everyone all over again in 20-30 years? No hard data to look at.

And then you've got certain cultures where the fluidity of human sexuality is built in. for example, in one young women raise families with old men, while old women and young men make up the governing bodies. Essentially, as people age, their gender role switches. Young women families, old women government. Young men government, old men families. ((In this particular culture it was young women initially married to young men, btw..)). But in addition to gender roles switching, it was common for sex roles to switch, also. But not required. Add in a whoooooooooole lot of other cultures that have as many as 5-8 sexes, instead of the Judeo-Christian 2 sex paradigm, and literally dozens of different ways we've grouped ourselves (both modernly & historically)... Polygyny, polyandry, group marriage, Hetero binary marriage. Well. Like I said. Dozens of different & common ways we've "paired" off. It all gets very complicated.

So trying to graph what's "normal"? Virtually impossible. Common is easy (just depends on geography), but normal is as difficult to chart out as trying to tell your shadow to walk in the opposite direction as you. Far far far too many versions of normal.

 

[ms spock]

Yes it happens.

 

[RussH]

You said at one point you decided that you were gay; is it possible that your decision was based on what everyone else thought, and not actually on what you thought?
In other words you may have never been truly gay, and if that is the case, then it would make perfect sense for you to be attracted to men.

 

[rightkindofme]

I am queer. I am married to a man. I didn't marry a man because I switched sides and stopped liking women. I married a man because he was the individual person who made me feel best about myself.

I find that at different points in time relationships with women are more or less fulfilling for where my needs are. That isn't about them. Same goes with men. There are times when I'm not all that happy being married to a man. There are times when I'd really rather stop dealing with a penis. But life is complicated.

In my opinion, it matters less how you define what "side" you are on. You are exploring more of life. You aren't switching teams because there aren't teams. You are just investigating people who weren't interesting to you in the past for myriad of reasons. Neither set of needs is more valid. You are where you are.

I hope you have fun dating. :)