Sympathy - It Is Creeping Back Here

[Auburngirl]

I wonder about validation too. With trauma associated with abuse there is often a lot of forced denial and being told nothing ever happened and it's all in your head, and why are you reacting etc.... So saying yes, something bad did happen and it's normal to be upset can be pretty important.

My understanding of empathy is that it involves relating and sharing the feeling of the experience, where as sympathy is more uni-directional. In a place like this it seems that empathy would be the default as we've all been through something that would likely enable us to relate to the others.

 

[2quilt]

Monkee,
I would say that validation is what we all need, but sympathy, as explained to me by Darling Husband, is the "Oh, poor me!" attitude. My husband gave me an example of a person who used to be friends with us, who constantly talked about how she was not thin enough (at 115 pounds), that she didn't have enough money to take her dying dog in for life-saving surgery (she had plenty of money), how she could not come to parties because she would have allergic reactions to the dust in that house, and how the world had let her down all her life. She never said one positive thing about any circumstance. When she got into a bad situation, she just complained about it, but did nothing to get herself out of that situation.

I used to tell my husband that she would have a tantrum on the floor, crap her pants, then whine about the mess and smell. She constantly wanted sympathy from everyone who would listen to her. She felt like she was waist deep in quicksand. Instead of trying to get herself out, she felt that she had no control over her life, waiting to drown, saying, "Woe is me." This is learned helplessness.

I am just getting to the point where I understand the difference between empathy, sympathy and validation. Until a few days ago, I used empathy and sympathy interchangeably, but this forum has stopped that.

Empathy is positive, and validation is positive, in my mind. I have to remember these definitions and examples so that I don't accidentally say the wrong thing, or get misinterpreted. The idea is that we do have control over our lives.

 

[anthony]

Hi Trent, far from the "get over it" attitude or approach here, quite the opposite.... just not the sympathy route though as an alternative. Empathy.... action.... not get over it or sympathetic approach.

 

[monkee]

Monkee,
I would say that validation is what we all need, but sympathy, as explained to me by Darling Husband, is the "Oh, poor me!" attitude.

I am just getting to the point where I understand the difference between empathy, sympathy and validation. Until a few days ago, I used empathy and sympathy interchangeably, but this forum has stopped that.

Empathy is positive, and validation is positive, in my mind. I have to remember these definitions and examples so that I don't accidentally say the wrong thing, or get misinterpreted. The idea is that we do have control over our lives.

I do not think that these words are interchangeable, they mean different things, but sympathy is not what people here seem to think it is. I am a real word person. Sympathy means

a. A relationship or an affinity between people or things in which whatever affects one correspondingly affects the other.
b. Mutual understanding or affection arising from this relationship or affinity.
2. a. The act or power of sharing the feelings of another.
b. A feeling or an expression of pity or sorrow for the distress of another; compassion or commiseration. Often used in the plural. See Synonyms at Dead Link Removed.

3. Harmonious agreement; accord: He is in sympathy with their beliefs.
4. A feeling of loyalty; allegiance. Often used in the plural: His sympathies lie with his family.
5. Physiology A relation between parts or organs by which a disease or disorder in one induces an effect in the other.

Now one of those meanings does go along with the word pity, the rest do not. Empathy is just a stronger form of sympathy to me and according to the dictionary

em·pa·thy (

m

p

-th

)n.1. Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives. See Synonyms at Dead Link Removed.
2. The attribution of one's own feelings to an object.


I suppose what people really mean is that there are some that come here and they are having a pity party (I tend to isolate myself when I am in that mode, and I do not seek validation because my validation of those feelings is in my aloneness). There are people who come here seeking pity, not sympathy. There are people who want others to feel sorry for them, they do not seek to be understood, but seek to remain pitied... no one understands them, no one has ever had it as rough as them... yadda yadda yadda. I do not see that as seeking sympathy, according to the words as they are defined. That is not seeking understanding, commiseration, or affinity... if people were seeking those things, they would be seeking sympathy.

I know there are people posting here that have suffered terrible ordeals that make my story look like a cake walk, but I am to the point where I see the forest even though I am surrounded by trees. It is not what happened to me, it is how my brain responded to it that caused my situation, and as my son said... my brain coped the only way it could under the circumstances. I have to look at the content of what caused it, but the real trouble is how my brain processes stress. What is to pity about that? I am to be no more pitied than someone with cancer.

I have sight pity a time or two in my life, dreamed of rescue, but I do not think that is unique to those of us that have this condition... most people dream of rescue when we are unhappy, most of us have a pity party when we feel attacked or put upon. We are all just human after all.

 

[2quilt]

No rejection

Trent,
You are not being rejected here; we welcome you! You have come to the right place to find others with PTSD. We don't tell anyone to just get over it. We are here to learn from each other how to heal. Welcome to the forum!

 

[sunnydaze]

:naughty:I have shyed away from this forum. It is nerve racking when you get scared of what you are writing and have to worry if you will be rejected or returned to moderation where one is watched constantly. It just reinterates feeling bad again about yourself. Feeling rejected by a forum that you were told by your T to get involved with and than being bounced out. I agree, we should stay on the positive side but when going through troubling times we revert backwards for awhile. I re-read my own replies before sending it and again after I sent it and don't see anything wrong with what I wrote for maybe days or weeks later. At the time it sounded right and good.

I have been feeling very uneasy and tense lately about this. I feel like crying. If we wrote dwelling all the time only about our past than I could see it being sympathy as one only wants everyone to know what they went through each time a new one enters the forum or joins. This would definitely be looking for only sympathy. Looking for sympathy would be like re-telling our story to everyone we write to.

When I write, I than feel like I am taking away from someone else's story by using the '" I would do things this way." I know what people mean by telling a more positive way of handling things and helping each other out but should we be sentenced for such a crime as sympathy?
sunnydaze:naughty:

 

[Lucky Laser]

What about the trauma diaries? I got the impression that those, being more personal, could be the one place where nobody has to fear anything they say; even if it reeks of sympathy at least its contained in that area. I recognize that even there it can get out of control, but it just seems there is less of a worry there.

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

Trent and Sunnydaze and new members, if you stick around you will understand the reasoning that is used here. I didn't understand it at first and I was ready to leave because I found a few things to trigger me right off the bat. Mostly the editors were mean LOL, but I don't feel that way anymore.

When I first joined I was already in a disagreement with an editor. I thought what she said was harsh, and told her and other people that their opinions were mean and hurtful. But that was their opinion of the subject and I respect everyone's opinion. I still think that some of the things that were stated were harsh, but I got over it and moved on into healing here.

After sticking it out I realized that it wasn't personal toward me, it was to challenge me and help me understand a different way of thinking. It made me stronger and able to deal with other issues in my life.

Some of these threads will trigger us and make us wonder if anyone here even likes us at all. I was certain that no one liked me after joining and then immediately arguing with some one over an opinion. (One that is not popular in society) and I thought no one here was going to respond to my posts or help me but I was wrong.

I assure you I like everyone here and I've been triggered a ton of times by posts. That is the point of coming here so that you learn coping skills out in the real world. If we can't tolerate what people do in here how can we expect to cope out in the real world. Not everyone here is going to like you and that should be OK with you because personalities clash and that's the way it is.

This is not a hand holding forum and I'm glad. I thought that was what it was for while I was posting and learning to heal. I found out in time that wasn't the case and it only made me stronger and more able to deal with outside issues that I wasn't dealing with properly.

It is human nature to want to be liked and it's scary joining a forum and worrying about how others will perceive you. But if you can stick it out here eventually you won't care what anyone here thinks of you, and it won't scare you to be put in moderation for a mistake.

Every time I come in here I have to pay attention to what I do because I have ADD. I know I keep making editorial mistakes over and over but if I get put into moderation over one of them, I bet I will remember not to do it again. I'm not certain if what I'm posting here is "off topic" which could get me into moderation. If it does then I will be in moderation and I will realize not to do it again. I will figure this out and keep moving forward.

The point is that hand holding and letting people get away with breaking the rules only leads to the editors having more work in fixing things around here. They don't get paid and do this for free, and my inability to pay attention only frustrates them as it would me if I was an editor.

First read the editorial policy and try to understand it the best you can. I'm not perfect and don't catch things until I screw up 3 or 4 times (But I'm not going to beat myself up over it or be afraid of moderation either). So face the fear of making mistakes here and the possibility of being placed in moderation, and you will learn and only be stronger for it later.

This is how I perceive things to be here, and I hope it helped clarify some issues for new members.

Tammy

 

[Cecilia]

But you know, I have this huge fear of telling my story to friends and family because I don't want to get "the look". I can't stand that "oh, poor-you look". If I could tell my story and know that everyone would act exactly like they do now and nothing would change; the fear of talking would be diminished.

That is why I am comfortable with spiritual advisors and therapists. They give me direction and not pity.

 

[sunnydaze]

Seeking Nirvana,
I thank you for the insite. You are an awesome writer. I truly do understand what is being said. To me some sympathy is good, too much is not good if you want to get well. I just don't want to be scared and not write. Helping on a positive note is what anyone of us should be more concerned on.
sunnydaze

 

[spiritofnow]

From the heart!

I think that it is important that people maintain this; to write from the heart. None of us are overall experts. However, what we are, are experts (learning to be), in our own experiences. We have gained valuable insight(s) and knowledge from our own traumas, and how those traumas have affected us. We can relate and empathise but importantly we can highlight how we have perhaps dealt with similar experiences.

When we are relating to threads and posts I believe that most of the time we write from a place of understanding and reflection. However, there are times when we do just sympathise with a persons' situation and that might be because we do not have a direct experience, or perhaps we have not fully comprehended what the experience meant for ourselves.

It's tough to come on here and open yourself up (akin to the operating table), and then know how to write in a constructive manner.

I say concentrate on getting your own truths out there! Concentrate on finding your own truths. I am sure over time as people begin to do this they will become much more constructive.

After all how can you construct something you have not figured out for yourself? You can't! So muddle your way through, read, read read until you comprehend the meaning for yourself......

Don't we need a little of everything in order to prize out the positive stuff - if we are all going at this hammer and tong then we will not find a place of meaning? The mix of everything and everyone is what makes this work. i.e. one person's perception may trigger an alternative response in another person. Our differences are what facilitate the true meaning behind all of our banter - to look beyond your own perceptions and challenge YOURSELF. Not necessarily challenge everyone else lead by example!

We should just write from the heart and everyone will feel what we have to say- and the rest will all fall into place.

Just my thoughts!

Spirit x

 

[spiritofnow]

I guess this is bothering me to some extent. I have read enough on here now to get how this works. I get it! I get it, that one guy runs the show! One guy decides the overall direction and intention of this place. One guy decides the overall principle to how he believes this forum should be used to facilitate healing.

Okay so I get that! And I am definitely not here to fight against that perception - it is what it is and I get it! However, I am a fighter in life always have been and always will be - I challenge. Ain't nothing wrong with that - challenges should be met with grace and an open mind in order to determine what the actual outcome of that challenge could be? A challenge should be a learned experience. Much like this post has been for me - the very premise of it challenged me and I decided to take that on. I was honest about where I was coming from and then I could see how I could grow from that if at all?

I guess I am just concerned that people will be concerned about posting their thoughts and ideas in case they are not constructive. Not everyone can write in that way - so are they dismissed? And if they are will this place not just end up with clones of one person? Don't we need the mix of different styles to find our own way? Don't they say that spice is the variety of life? Don't we need a little of that; people who push and challenge in order to promote more growth - can't we hold a hand if someone really needs it and then advise them later on when they are ready?

I want to hold peoples hands - I want to offer what little comfort I can. I want to offer more than just tough love and I want to do it on here!

Spirit x