T Asks To Change The Apt And It Mess Me Up

[Arebas]

So after our horrible session (yes, that's me again) my T now texts and asks if I can move our next appointment 30 mins ahead. It shouldn't be a big deal, it's just half an hour. But it really pisses me off. She has this huge list of clients and she's always trying to make everyone fit in, so she often makes changes in the schedule. I have most afternoons off so when I started seeing her I told her I was ok with changes and I'm thinking I'm probably the only one who is ok with that cause she changes my dates so often! I always go with it cause I figure I'm doing her a favor. Now she also teaches and those courses are never on fixed days so she moves things around even more and I get the impression that the patients are even on a much tighter schedule.

Any other day, I would have said "sure, no problem" and then find a way to be there on time but this time... it just really bothers me that after such lousy session, after telling her that I was leaving very upset and having a really crappy weekend she's so casual with her request. Her texts says: "Sweety! How's it going? How's work? Can we move the apt 30 mins? If it's too much trouble we can leave it as it is."

I mean, there's nothing really wrong with the request. She always calls me sweety (well, the Spanish equivalent, we spaniards are very friendly). But it just bothers me so much to be so blatantly reminded that this is just a business transaction, that she's not at all aware that these days were really hard for me. It feels like she doesn't even remember how the last session went, I feel like she won't remember it until she reads her notes before I walk in through her door. Maybe it reads differently in English but that "how's it going?" is just the polite formula after hello. Like when you ask "how'd you do" after you've been introduced to someone. No one really answers cause it's just a rethorical question.

I want to tell her to f*ck off and stop messing with my schedule, but that's just cause I'm so hurt to think she doesn't care. Which is probably not what's happening and it's all in my head. Truth is I don't care about the time. I don't want people at work to know I'm seeing my T so going at the scheduled time implied lying to some people and changing the time only means telling a different lie. But now I don't know what to do. Cause telling her it's ok is what my rational mind says, but that's what i always do, I comply with all requests. I'm sick and tired of being always the good girl and bending to other people's needs. But saying no makes me think I'm being childish cause it's really not a big deal and I'd be making her lose 30 mins of her time when I could easily make it there by then.

She keeps saying our work is mostly learning to listen to myself and doing what I really want to do... but is this one of those times when I have to put my foot down or am I just being selfish and childish and resentful? Can I say No just because I'm angry? What am I, 5 years old? Aaaaarrrggghhhhhh.

 

[Justmehere]

It's ok to say no. Heck, it might even be therapeutic to say no and experience it being heard by your therapist. Knowing you don't have to comply with her requests. Really knowing and experiencing it, and trying on a new skill of setting a boundary with her.

My therapist changes times a bit too, within a certain window. I have a little flexibility, so most of the time, I don't mind at all. She still apologizes profusely but I tell her it's ok, because most of the time it really is ok.

Every now and then, it stirs up bigger issues that have nothing to do with the time - and it's usually after a hard session where all I want to do is say "no, stop!"

So I have said "no." I tell her it won't work out for me to change times. She accommodates. It helps me feel heard. I feel stupid afterwards, but sometimes I feel better and more safe in therapy because I know that she will be ok with my no, not just my yes.

Considering that you would have to change your schedule with others too, I think it's fair to say no, and to tell her that you need to keep it at the time you scheduled, and see how she responds.

 

[lalazagna]

You can say no, you don't even have to give a reason,

maybe think about it as a small step towards not always being the one who automatically complies to everything
And small things can mean big....

 

[Arebas]

So, thought I could let you know what happened with this cause you were really kind to offer help and I was just so out of everything... sorry.

I replied to her text in the middle of the night cause that's one thing I do, I get all worked up then fall asleep then do things that I only know of in the morning and feel so embarrassed about. This time my reply was surprisingly good. I did tell her I could change the time but that it really bothered me that she asked cause it felt like she was clueless about how I'd been feeling. Polite but sincere and short. My sleep texting is improving.

She apologized and told me she was sorry and that she understood that she probably doesn't even imagine half of the sadness that I feel. I think that is supposed to be comforting, her not claiming to know how I feel, but it still makes me sad cause I always try so hard to make her understand. That's all I really mean to do, try to tell her how I feel. And I just always fall short. But her apology and her wish to say something that might ease my pain did feel good.

So the session was today and of course it was uncomfortable as hell but I was able to talk about how I felt cause she didn't greet me all happy and didn't ask about my week cause she already knew I felt really bad, so we went right to the thing. I think maybe I should start texting her before the session. Just to let her know how I feel before I even get there, so she won't distract me with random questions and make me do all the blah blah blah for the first fifteen minutes that just disconnects me from all I feel to the point where I simply forget why was I even there.

And that was that. Sorry I didn't thank you for helping out with your replies, @Justmehere and @katphish. But I did appreciate your being there for me.

 

[amosmorris]

Just quickly following up here--good you had a productive session on the heels of this tension. And wanted to offer my support here--changes to the schedule can get me all kinds of tangled up. I usually find it hard and my trust issues just bubble right up. Hang in there!

 

[lalazagna]

I like your idea of texting her before the session to let her know how you are feeling, to avoid all the distraction of random blah blah blah at the beginning...
Can relate to this, so often waste a lot of time at the beginning of a session, the smiles and "how was your week" questions frustrate me and it goes nowhere. It's always more productive when we can get straight on topic