T Said I "depersonalized"

[DontGiveUpOnMe]

*im not sure but this may trigger so read with caution*'
I went to Therapy on Teusday....weve talking about some things, really only brushing the surface. Last time at therapy, something unexpected happened. She mentioned something close to my SA (sxual abuse)...we were mainly talking about my childhood physical abuse ...

Which I didnt realize but the SA affected me differently. I was talking about how I dont like to be looked at in a sexual way by men.

All she said was, "did your mother ever bring men home that looks at you *like that*?"
When she said that I felt like there was suddenly a big weight on my head and the room was flattening, I felt like I was floating away, I mean she was in front of me..but everything she said sounded like charlie brown teacher speak.

I dont think she noticed what was happening to me (even though for me it was terrifying). and I told her "Please, hold on one minute" and I took off my glasses and I just felt like I couldnt see, I told her "Im trying to listen but I cant"
"I cant undertsand you" and everything felt like it could echo in the room. Then I just made believe I was ok, because I dont like making scenes, and I left the office, feeling like everything was a movie, everything was some sort of film strip...

Since then, Ive felt angry , "not here" and so depressed....
I feel like nothing matters.

My T said, "I need you to tell me to stop before you have that 'depersonalization'" ....

I didnt even know it was gonna happen. I feel like Im supposed to apologize.
Anybody else go through this? how o u get out of it...I havent been back to normal since.

 

[Srain]

Welcome to the Forum, DontGiveUpOnMe.

Yes, I can relate to what you just described and it IS frightening and difficult to convey as a person goes through it so I think you did well. I would encourage you to continue to post and read on the forum. Please take care of yourself.

Peace,
Rain

 

[DontGiveUpOnMe]

Rain, thank you for your response. It was helpful to post.
I'll try to take care of myself, thank you.

<edited by CB - removed unnecessary quote of post above, and corrected basic grammar.>

 

[Gamereign555]

With me, lowering anxiety and bringing the panicky feelings under control helped kill the depression and depersonalizing and derealizing episodes. There are a few rare people out there who never shake the depersonalizing feelings, but that generally isn't the norm. Take care and talk through the trauma, the feelings and the meds and there will be some light for you.

This is kind of based on the fact that all my DP/DR episodes were related to really high levels of anxiety with panic thrown in. Therapy, medications, and everyday life's exposures helped lower my anxiety levels. Many things, depression, major sleep issues, and eating problems were all but eliminated by managing my stresses and learning to cope, including the depersonalization and derealization episodes. It is not like they go away but rather never have the chance to surface.

Dissociation is also often lumped up into the same category and often happens when anxiety triggers me. It is a distant like stare where I am a bit inside of my own mind. Being aware of these events is often enough for people to be able to pull themselves out of it, it is referred to as 'grounding'.

Grounding can be done in different ways. If by yourself a symbol can work maybe, such as grabbing a necklace or feeling a bracelet with the thought that 'you are here' and not going crazy. If you are with a person you can ground yourself by simply engaging in conversation. The idea is that this is a distraction that you use after the awareness of the dissociation. It prevents the event from growing into something deeper or causing a panic attack.

You might feel and understand this process differently. To me however it shows the link between all these things.

 

[Powder]

I feel for you going through this. Shake it off and don't give up but realize how tough therapy and go in prepared for battle. I usually schedule it so that I have the rest of the day to cry, journal, talk to my H, be by myself, or take a walk or bath or the full dose of my meds (anything to help me ride out the aftershocks.) Many of us have similar or the same kind of problems with therapy. Therapy is like when you have a terrible infection or burn and they want to get into it to help it heal. It's gonna hurt. And when we have learned coping techniques they call "dissociation" we are in the business of survival and running for our lives, not holding still for the scraping out of our "wounds." It is hard to sit still for this scraping.

I am of the opinion that we are currently at the mercy of those trained in the techniques but who have little means for understanding what it's actually like. Even if people who suffer from dissociation manage to become therapists, will they be able to be helpful to someone else who is dissociating? Some on here have said, "Yes," and that they were taught grounding techniques. You can find these online but I'd take the ideas in to therapy and talk about them first if you can. Some of the suggestions are to count things around you, like finding all the blue ojects in the room and counting them. This is not helpful for me. When I D, I'm like 5 years old and cannot count well. I have found that if I look around at the room and find evidence that I am "here and now" with safe people and am a more powerful adult person who has done things, like driven here or put something here, and that I am definitely not in the place the trauma occurred anymore, I can talk myself back to reality. This has worked for me, but it's not as quick a fix as I'd like. I can be pretty shaking after coming back on. But at least I'm back to being "me." I hope with practice that I will get better at it. Since I don't reach this level of derealization/depersonalization often, I have few opportunities to practice. But when it does happen, I have found I have two options: I can let it take me and take away my power, or I can fight it, and reason my way out of it. This doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I may still cry and have issues afterward, but at least I'm not wasting time in that horrible state in which I become a child and think the trauma is still happening, even though I have amnesia for the details.

 

[Echo-Charlie]

Hi, I appreciate your sharing your experience. I am a fellow human being who believes we all have something to share with each other as a means of healing. One of the people who taught me was a prisoner in Auschwitz concentration camp. She was a survivor. Now I understand that what we call dissociation is a healthy response to what, at the time, seems an overwhelming experience. When we learned to dissociate the response was needed and therefore very healthy. Now as we become more healthy we learn other ways of coping so we don't need to rely on dissociation so much because we learn to take care of ourselves in other ways - as we become stronger and healthier. I honor you for your growth.

 

[madmax]

"depersonalization"....I thought I was just ignoring the crap coming out of my therapist mouth.

 

[therapybankrupt]

You owe no apology. It takes a lot of practice to know when you are about to experience depersonalizing. If you pay attention some people can catch the Aura. If not make code. Raise your hand or reach out to your therapist so they know you are in to it.. They can help ground you. Does your therapist have experience with trauma patients and how much? Sounds like the person never experienced this before? It is scary and I am telling you it can get better. Hugs if you will except.

Tb

 

[madmax]

I am trying to understand and wrap my mind around this. Too much to handle. I accept the hugs. I am tired. Going to bed.

 

[madmax]

My therapist does have experience with trauma patients. He has worked with Auschwitz survivors. He has worked with me utilizing the stimulus paddles. After these sessions I often develop what I call brain bruising.As I remember I would become numb and resentful for being subjected to re-living events,feelings,fears that I spend most of my days running the opposite direction from. I feel like there are two people going through the treatment one is depersonalizing the other is under the spell of EMDR to some degree.

 

[therapybankrupt]

Madmax I can understanding the experience you had feeling depersonalizing and being under the spell of EMDR. It must have been awful. I was under the impression that the patient had to be grounded for EMDR to work effectively. The therapist in early steps of EMDR teaches grounding an soothing techniques. Also if there is multifple trauma the inner child work.

I agree the after effects of EMDR are not always pleasant but as the treatment continues the processing and rebound is faster in most cases. If not it is necessary to reprocess as soon as possible. So you do not get left in limbo for a week or till the next appointment. Best wishes on your journey to wellness!

TB

 

[Gamereign555]

It's funny. When I went into the ER and explained my disassociation, they told me I was having "illusions".