T Wasn't There For Another Session Today

[infoonptsd]

My t has a crazy schedule, so I am sure something probably went wrong in his scheduling but he didn't arrive for our session today. I have another one scheduled for tomorrow and guess I will just go to that one, but right now it is killing me and all I want is physical pain to make this all go away.

I KNOW I should contact him, or I should say something tomorrow, or somehow let him know in case he doesn't notice himself...... but you can save it, I can't do it. I can not let anyone know when they hurt me. I don't know if he will notice it himself (I am doubtful now or I think he would have contacted me to say what happened). I am guessing maybe he changed his schedule and forgot to let me know... I don't know, but being forgotten is a HUUUUGE issue for me and I just needed to say it and see if it will go away.

 

[scout86]

I KNOW I should contact him

How about an email or text saying "Are you ok?" Because you never know, he could be in the hospital.

My T has ADHD AND a crazy schedule. He'd be likely to forget an appointment,,especially if it was a different day or time. (We don't do that much because we are BOTH likely to screw something like that up.) He's been late once or twice, had to reschedule due to an emergency once or twice, but never flat out didn't show up. These days, technology being what it is, there's very little excuse for this. Or, at least, it's easy to avoid.

Having said that, I have a business that involves me showing up, more or less on time, for scheduled appointments with people. I don't have a smart phone, I have an old school, paper, appointment book. Sometimes I forget to write stuff down. Sometimes I think I know my schedule and I'm wrong. It's got nothing to do with who ever I inconvenience, it's me, screwing up. (again!) Actually, my T.more than anyone else, is bugging me to go electronic to avoid this stuff. I can understand how this feels personal. I tend to react that way too. But I've made that same mistake often enough that I'm SURE it's got nothing to do with you. In fact, knowing that you hurt someone in some way, shape, or form, is the worst thing about doing it. (The second worst thing is feeling like an idiot for making the mistake at ALL!)

Send the email. If he's in the hospital & no one knows who to contact, tomorrow will be worse than today. But, it's not YOU, it's HIM.

 

[Tinyflame]

I know how it feels to not be able to reach out, let alone to try again. But too, like @scout when I forget I usually remember things at 1a.m. :(

 

[infoonptsd]

Thanks scout and Junebug.... In the past, I have texted him to ask if I messed the schedule up or if he was ok but maybe with the added anxiety I am having right now, I couldn't risk adding the guilt to him if he forgot and he realized I was there. We just talked yesterday about what those things do to me and I used an example of my husband forgetting to meet me for dinner. So for me to text him would throw it right in his face and he would feel bad and I do NOT want anyone feeling bad about things at all, especially that have to do with me!!!!

I do tell myself that it was probably just a mess up in his scheduling, but my brain and body do not listen to each other..

 

[Panda Bear]

I can not let anyone know when they hurt me.

And this is why you should let him know that missing the appointment was hard for you. If he's good, he will validate that it hurt you in some way, and apologize.

Miss appointments happen, life happens and that is okay! But if trust is an obstacle for you, this will only make things harder. A lot of good can and should come out of you speaking up. You don't have to be angry, just express that it was hard. Nothing wrong with that.

 

[Friday]

Something to work on in therapy: Boundaries & Mindreading. :D

So for me to text him would throw it right in his face and he would feel bad and I do NOT want anyone feeling bad about things at all, especially that have to do with me!!!!

That's not your business. It's waaaaay overstepping bounds to decide
a) how he is going to take it -like an attack, rubbing it in his face-;
b) what he's going to feel about it (badly), &
c) to dictate to others what they're "allowed" to feel at any time,
d) to manipulate & attempt to force others to feel a certain way about you.

While you've come up with a very neatly packaged scenario of how he is going to think/feel/etc... And parts of it may even be true? He may well think you're not attacking him & feel grateful for the reminder, or think you are attacking him, but see that as progress, and be happy for it. Or, or any one of a dozen different responses

I have a really hard time with parts of this ^^^ sometimes. I'm a control freak. And know it. I do not want to let other people make their own decisions, in their own lives, according to the dictates of their own conscious. I wanna make those decisions for them, especially in regards to me. Nope. You're not allowed to think this about me. Nope. You're not allowed to feel this about me. Nope. You're not allowed, you're not allowed, you're not allowed.

Ain't my business.

My business is over here on my side of the street.

***

That isn't to say I never exercise my judgement & observation. Especially when I can turn it around. If I'm afraid that doing XYZ factually based thing is going to be seen as an attack? (You missed an appointment is either a fact, or a misunderstanding). I can either shrug, and say f*ck it, it's not an attack & if they take it that way that's their own shoulders... Or I can take steps to hit them over the head with "This is not an attack"... Or I can do any one of a dozen things. <chuckling> It always far more telling, however, what I *think* something is going to be taken as, than what it actually is.

 

[barefoot]

Mix ups and missed appointments happen. Doesn't mean it's not annoying/stressful/upsetting/inconvenient – I wouldn't be impressed if my therapist just didn't turn up. And if, having not turned up, she then didn't get in touch to acknowledge that...crikey! I think if you just don't turn up (as the client or the therapist) you should own that to acknowledge the impact on the other person. Of course, if someone can't get in contact before or afterwards because, for instance, they are in the middle of a medical emergency, that's rather different.

I'd probably send a neutral text or email to check in and see if everything's ok.

It's definitely not for you to be taking responsibility for looking out for if he's going to feel X (in this case, guilty) about something. That would mean you speculating a lot, making a lot of assumptions and determining that he's not responsible for himself (his feelings, actions, reactions etc). That's a bit beyond anyone's scope but his, I reckon ;-)

I absolutely get that this has impacted you. But he's the one who, whatever reason, has failed to show up. He's the one who's messed up here (unless he is in an uncontactable emergency situation, of course). I think it makes complete sense that you'd bring this up - not necessarily to be angry with him or to point the finger of blame or to guilt trip him. But just to put it out there that you'd made an appointment together and he wasn't there.

 

[infoonptsd]

Thanks guys... As it turns out, he had to reschedule the time and forgot to text me. He text a little while ago about something else and said he knew we had a session today but wanted to tell me about something ahead of time. I asked him what time he had the appointment and he told me. He said he probably forgot to text me the change and apologized.

I figured it was all in my head, but this abandonment thing I have going on doesn't allow my 'reasoning' to over ride what the rest of me believes to be true. I am glad I left it alone because now it doesn't have to be addressed as a big deal. I have already told him that I can't deal with anything right now that has to do with him because I can NOT handle confrontation of any sort especially if I have any concern that the other person would feel bad about something. I know it needs to change and maybe somewhere down the therapy brick road it might... but now is NOT my time. ;)

 

[infoonptsd]

Well, it continues for me. ..
I didn't mention yesterday's actual appointment because it wasn't a huge deal but when I did arrive for the afternoon time, he had someone in there that ran a few minutes late which is no issue for me at all. BUT when the regular time for the end of my time came, I was out the door on time and nobody else was even waiting. .

Well, today (yes, we are supposed to be doing intensive work with multiple sessions a week) he was 15 minutes late from an out of office appointment (he had sent a text, but his phone company has issues. . He even showed me his text on his phone, so I know it was true) again, late is not an issue for me. . But again, when that regular end time approached, he looked at the clock and said it is 10 till so I will wrap up with blah, blah, blah.. and my heart fell to my toes. .. we started 15 mins late and again I was out the door spot on time and his next client hadn't even arrived. All I can think about now is how obvious it is getting that he wants to spend as little time as he absolutely has to stuck with me. I did used to run over myself sometimes but he never had anybody waiting when I did and he seemed to stop that a long time ago but I just hoped maybe he was trying to be more consistent on his times. He had been my only safe thing I had had in forever and I am ripping apart and can't even tell him.

He is the one that told ME that I have abandonment issues and am scared he is going to leave me and we have talked about how I analyze every detail of things people do, so he had to know what this is doing. He has reassured me worth his words that he wants to work on this and isn't leaving me, but it sure doesn't look or feel like it. How can he not know or see? I hate this but he is the only person I have ever been able to talk to and trust ands I am almost 50 so it's not like I am going to just run out and find someone else. He is all I got and I wish he would stop stabbing me in the heart.

 

[Panda Bear]

I'm sorry you're struggling @infoonptsd.

But please, please discuss this with your T. They may know some things, but are also human and may not catch all we signal to them.

You won't feel at ease till you speak up for yourself and express the feelings you're communicating here. He needs to know so the relationship can continue in a positive way, and you need to know rifts happen and can be repaired.

And yes, it's possible it won't make things better, but try first.

 

[infoonptsd]

Thanks panda, but that's just not something I can do. Inability to confront people with anything is just one of the reasons I am there. I can NOT cause people any hurry or let them know if they hurt me and I know him well enough now to know it would hurt him if he realized how badly this hurt me. He is a very kind and caring person.

 

[watundah]

Totally get it. I would definitely send off an email so you can express yourself clearly and completely. He is being hurtful, not helpful, in this regard and that is so counterproductive. This is hard, but what an opportunity to stretch yourself.

I went through a scenario recently upset that my therapist takes so much time off for traveling. She was missing a week a month for several months in a row - her standard MO for years- and offered to work with me on it when we had some rather intense email exchanges.(Of course, we had to talk about the exchange then in real life and I did like how it played out. I told her I felt her time away was excessive and that I felt like a low priority. She was so sincere in response.) I was surprised she was so dense about it at first but I was a bit tenacious about it all and finally she admitted that I had some good points for her to think about. While it seems so painfully obvious to us, they do make mistakes, can be insensitive and so human. A good therapist really wants to hear that they're hurting you. I think if you, like me, who finds it so difficult to put yourself out there in an unconfortable situation - like when you need someone - speaks up, you'll definitely get his attention. But you do need to be frank. Sometimes we all need a wake up call.